NFL Ramps Up Security Theatre
from the don't-fumble-my-junk dept
Security theatre has been the goal of the TSA these past few years. Whether they’re valiantly inserting their fingers into our orifices , standing bravely to defend travelers from insulin and icepacks, or simply lying to people in telling them they can’t be taped during their most nefarious actions, The TSA does fake security like no other group can. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has worked harder at not producing any results than these people.
But that won’t keep the NFL from trying, damn it.
Dementia writes in about a Yahoo Sports post describing the new breakthrough security technique at NFL games this year: pat-downs. That’s right, the NFL is going to solve security at their games by somehow patting down seventy thousand people as they enter stadiums within roughly an hour’s length of time. No, the pat-downs won’t be done by federal employees, just low-paid yellow jacket-wearing folks (seriously, click the article and look at the picture, it’s awesome). No there aren’t any metal detectors or machine screeners a la the airport. Basically, no, these security measurements won’t make anyone more…you know…secure. As Chris Chase notes:
“As far as I can tell, the only purpose gate security has is to create a mass of humanity at the entrances and comb through women’s purses. The pat downs are jokes. Security personnel only checked from the waist up. If they felt anything in your pocket, their most likely recourse was to ask, “what’s that?” A halfway-decent answer got you a pass.”
And, as Chris also notes, if you think these measures are stupid now, just wait until the weather turns. I can just picture myself walking up to Soldier Field on a January morning in Chicago, seven layers deep between regular undergarments, long-underwear, longsleeve t-shirt, t-shirt, hoodie sweatshirt, down-insulated winter jacket, and my lovely Where’s Waldo-esque scarf to tie it all together, and giving these security types a sideways glance as they attempt to pat me down. I could carry a 1967 Buick Skylark in my pants and they’d never feel it.
Why can’t we stop this? Who are the NFL playing to with this nonsense? I’d like to think my fellow citizens and football consumers aren’t so totally devoid of intelligence that they can’t see how pointless and annoying this all is.