Alert: North Korea Now Capable Of Using Photoshop To Launch Missiles From Submarines

from the shop-skillz dept

Whenever our friends in Pyongyang decide to troll the planet with one of their hilariously bad propaganda pieces, it always makes me wonder just how serious the North Korean regime is about this whole war thing. I mean, using video game footage and music to threaten 'Merica? C'mon, son. And those photoshopped photo-ops of your human-chicken-dumpling leader just don't inspire much confidence in the country's technological capabilities. But it's when North Korea combines war and fun-bad photoshopping that the real fun begins.

Take the country's recent press brag, for instance, in which North Korea announces that they've managed to launch a missile from a submarine.


Experts, it appears, aren't all that impressed with the photo. That was particularly the case when the state-run Pyongyang press circulated other photos of the launch that were complete with columns of smoke from the missile, columns of smoke conspicuously absent from the initial photo that was circulated above.

As Markus Schiller and Robert Schmucker, of Schmucker Technologie, told Reuters, “Considering the track record of North Korean deceptions, it seems sensible to assume that any North Korean SLBM [submarine-launched ballistic missile] capability is still a very long time in the future, if it will ever surface.”

What the column-less photo lacked in smoke, it made up for with weird, poorly placed ocean smudges. That reddish patch of water you see to the left of the missile? That’s supposed to be the rocket’s reflection.
And, so, sadly, the only thing this launch report from North Korea tells us is that they still haven't gotten photoshop down. Oh well. If they ever did get into an actual shooting war again, I suppose they could always just photoshop themselves into some kind of victory pose. Given how often their progress with weapons technology turns out to be non-progress at photo-bullshitting, such a war is probably a remote possibility. Several of the commenters over at Gawker offered to help them out, of course, though this one is probably my favorite.


Call in Mario Marine!

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  • icon
    Ninja (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 3:46am

    I'm actually amazed they have computers that can run photoshop. It never ceases to amaze me.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

      • icon
        Ninja (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 7:44am

        Re: Re:

        I don't know how the heck I ended up in this little video about Pyongyang but it got me thinking about the whole issue (I know, I know they only got the 'better' side of NK). I mean, the reason computers were shipped to NK is insanity but I find the current sanctions to be largely ineffective in dealing with the dictatorship installed there. Much like the Cuban embargo. Maybe if we didn't actively contribute to the isolation then it would be easier to get the people to question the regime and change would happen faster. After all we are dealing with a whole lot of human beings up there that have their needs and routines.

        reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

        • icon
          Teamchaos (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 8:30am

          Re: Re: Re:

          That was a cool video, thanks for sharing. If you can believe the video they appear to be doing just fine without us. Of course, it was filmed in a city where just about everybody works for the ruling regime. I think the jury is still out on whether loosening the embargo on Cuba will result in weakening the dictatorship there.

          reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

          • icon
            Ninja (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 9:24am

            Re: Re: Re: Re:

            If you can believe the video they appear to be doing just fine without us.

            In Pyongyang maybe yes heh. The guys that made the video were clear in the 'faq' question that the regime did not let them film the things that were not absolutely sparkling.

            I think the jury is still out on whether loosening the embargo on Cuba will result in weakening the dictatorship there.

            Yeah, only time will tell.

            reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

        • identicon
          Anonymous Coward, 23 May 2015 @ 7:01am

          Re: Re: Re:

          Sending computers to NK citizens might not be insanity though. They're already flooded with small DVD/SVCD/USB media players, you know the kind that never caught much outside Japan from Sony, copycats of that with info about the outside world, even just hollywood movies (which the Jong family are massive fans of and possess copies of almost all movies ever made...at least that was the case of the more recluse kim jong-il who prefered to spend his day in his underwear watching american movies than appear at his own elaborate birthday parties out in Pyongyang.

          reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

    • icon
      tracyanne (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 3:51am

      Re: Photoshop

      They're using GIMP

      reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 4:36am

    Every time I see one of these propaganda pictures comes out of n.Korea, I look forward to the ensuing PSBattle on Reddit. This should be good.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 4:55am

    But it has to be true, because the unicorns helped them build it.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 5:32am

    It took years for the Church of Scientology to finally abandon its tradition of Photoshopping its "for internal use only" PR photos. But in the mean time, Scientology's propaganda wing, the "Office of Special Affairs" kept thinking they just needed to improve their Photoshopping skills, and then everything would be alright. Maybe the North Koreans think the same way, because if nothing else, at least their Photoshopping skills seem to be improving.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • icon
    That One Guy (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 5:35am

    Getting it all wrong

    Don't you see, the weapons they are developing and deploying aren't missiles and jets and whatnot, no, the NK government has moved past them and into the realm of humor as a weapon.

    Their efforts in showing off their Photoshop skills(or lack thereof) aren't meant to show off weapons they don't have, they are the weapons.

    No weapon is perfect at first, and as such it makes sense for these early attempts to be only chuckle worthy, but once they make the breakthrough, and truly grasp the essence of humor(something NK is famous for, as I'm sure you all know) then other, more primitive countries who are still reliant on physical weapons will undoubtedly be brought to their knees in tears of laughter, leaving them wide open for conquest.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 5:52am

    This is western propaganda to make fun of the Russians, dont buy it!

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

    • icon
      wereisjessicahyde (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 6:12am

      Re:

      No Russians were involved in the making of this weaponry. If they had of been the weapon would work.

      reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

      • identicon
        Anonymous Coward, 23 May 2015 @ 7:03am

        Re: Re:

        Russia is going to sell it's G-500 anti-anti-missile system to many countries....NK won't be one of them, they totally abandoned them after the USSR imploded, and even before so a little.

        reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • icon
    wereisjessicahyde (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 6:01am

    Can someone please bring back that "Kim Jong Un Looking at Things" blog. It was ace. At least a torrent of the backup - please?

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    Daydream, 22 May 2015 @ 6:18am

    Silly theory time:

    Do you suppose that it might be possible that North Korea actually has some ridiculously powerful weapons in development (nuclear weapons, drones, etc), and is deliberately releasing these obviously-faked photos in order to lull their enemies into believing North Korea is no threat, and therefore not worth expending resources on for the purpose of espionage?

    After all, if Kim Jong-Un needs to be photoshopped into these pictures, it implies that he needs to be elsewhere doing something else, possibly something unsavory...

    ...Or perhaps I should just apply a variation of Hanlon's Razor; never attribute to genius that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

    • identicon
      Anonymous Coward, 23 May 2015 @ 7:06am

      Re: Silly theory time:

      They have lots of enriched uranium good enough for many nukes. Nothing to do with it though, A.Q Khan didn't help them that much and didn't he die or was arrested by Pakistan as he was on his "lets show the world how to make nukes spree".

      reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 6:34am

    It couldn't be just me?

    With a name like Schmuckers, we'll find out they're shooped.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • icon
    Teamchaos (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 6:47am

    Gotta love that pun

    “Considering the track record of North Korean deceptions, it seems sensible to assume that any North Korean SLBM [submarine-launched ballistic missile] capability is still a very long time in the future, if it will ever surface.”

    Get it? submarine-launched, surface.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

    • identicon
      Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 8:39am

      Re: Gotta love that pun

      Yea I love that pun :)

      But what I'd really love is proof that NK actually has a submarine capable of accommodating a ballistic missile. ATTACK submarine weapons don't launch straight up.

      reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 10:21am

    Looks real to me. The trail in the water could be leaked fuel or sealant in the submarine launch tube that's released when it's opened to the water. I'm not the best expert.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

    • identicon
      Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 11:48am

      Re:

      Except for one slight problem, you do not want to be that close to a solid fuel booster without protection against the fumes and the noise. Those things are loud, and the fumes tend to be nasty.

      reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • icon
    Wickedsmack (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 11:19am

    Oh, North Korea....

    I have hard time taking them seriously anymore. They can't really project any power off their own pennisula. However, when gems like these propaganda pictures surface, you have to admit, NK has a great sense of humor when it comes to trying to act tough.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • icon
    Coyoty (profile), 23 May 2015 @ 8:52pm

    Yellow Sub Standards

    He's got a hole in his rocket.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    dilshad, 8 May 2016 @ 9:40pm

    photoshop

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    please visit my website.
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    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]


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