One Country For Old Men: Desperate ICE Drops Age Cap For New Hires

Failures

from the get-off-america's-lawn! dept

Good news, Americans of a certain age and certain… shall we say… persuasion: you’ll never need to be too old for this shit again!

U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem today announced U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) will waive age limits for new applicants so even more patriots will qualify to join ICE in its mission to arrest murderers, pedophiles, gang members, rapists, and other criminal illegal aliens from America’s streets.

All ICE law enforcement recruits will be required to go through medical screening, drug screening, and complete a physical fitness test.

“We are ENDING the age cap for ICE law enforcement,” said Secretary Noem. “Qualified candidates can now apply with no age limit. JOIN.ICE.GOV.”

Obviously, joining ICE doesn’t actually mean doing all the things listed above. ICE is no longer in the business of removing “murderers, pedophiles, gang members, and rapists” from the streets. If ICE limited itself only to foreigners who have committed serious crimes, it would have no one left to arrest.

And having no one left to arrest means it will never meet the standard set by the Trump administration, which apparently starts at 3,000 arrests per day. Complicating matters is the fact that Noem’s DHS has pretty much gutted the DHS’s investigative wing, which used to handle actual criminals like pedophiles before they were forced to join ICE in chasing day laborers through Home Depot parking lots.

Also notice the operative words being used in this DHS announcement: “age cap.” While the DHS may say some things about lowering minimum age for entry to 18, the real purpose of this revamp is to rope in a demographic that may be predisposed to casual racism and institutional bigotry.

Currently, ICE applicants must be 21 years old and no older than 37 or 40, depending on what position they are applying for.

In an interview with Fox & Friends, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem said applicants could be as young as 18.

“We no longer have a cap on how old you can be or you can continue at age 18, sign up for ICE and join us and be a part of it. We’ll get you trained and ready to be equipped to go out on the streets and help protect families,” Noem said.

As is to be expected from someone who probably adheres to the “speak English or leave” mantra, Noem doesn’t seem capable of speaking intelligible English. Lord only knows what the phrase “you can continue at age 18” means since that’s presumably the new age range baseline for applicants.

As for the top end, the sky’s the limit, which means ICE is probably cranking out tons of LARGE PRINT employment applications in anticipation of the incoming surge of guys willing to hang up their golf clubs for a chance to pretend they’re Josh Brolin’s character in “Sicario.”

The ICE application suggest you must be fit and ready and assume personal responsibility for choosing such a “dangerous” job. But let’s not kid ourselves. Most of the action seen by ICE these days involves raiding businesses and standing around scratching their balls in the hallways of court buildings while waiting to arrest people showing up for their scheduled immigration hearings.

There’s not much danger out there for ICE, even if there have been [squints at spreadsheet] nearly 80 more alleged assaults on officers as compared to this same time frame in 2024. What might be a sticking point for new applicants is the insistence on masking, which is something most applicants probably got all shitty about back in 2020 because it made their noses and mouths a bit warmer when accosting retail employees forced to provide service to a nation of ungrateful assholes during a worldwide pandemic.

Masks are a thing at ICE, and that possibly even includes its lawyers. So, if you think this might impede the oxygen flow from the tank you’re pulling behind you, perhaps it’s time to settle back into retirement and your well-worn recliner, rather than think you’ve found an easy way to clear an extra $50k this year.

As Noem, the DHS, and ICE surely know, most of the youths are not seeking a job with the nation’s largest employer of kidnappers. This age thing only applies to the upper end of the age demographic — one that not only houses more active voters, but also more active bigots. And letting everyone know standards are being relaxed and showered with federal cash means ICE will certainly be attracting plenty of other people who have the same general physique of cops, but actually haven’t felt the need to engage in public service until it became clear they could be mean to minorities on main.

Filed Under: acting deputy director abe simpson, bigots, desperate flailing, dhs, ice, kristi noem, mass deportations, trump administration