$exytime: Thanks To An Easily Exploitable System, Three Lawyers Have 'Patented Sex'*

from the when-two-people-love-each-other-very-much-and-have-secured-licensing... dept

*No, not really.

We all yearn for several things, among them true patent reform and the touch of another human being. Especially there. And there. But maybe not there… at least not without some… but I digress. The U.S. has long held to the notion of “first to invent,” rather than “first inventor to file.” Until recently, that is. The America Invents Act silenced critics who complained that “first to invent” made the system slightly harder to exploit. But that’s all behind us now. As these three lawyers point out in their hilarious parody video, “first inventor to file” opens the door for some pretty devious behavior. (CAUTION: Probably NSFW. Contains sexual terminology, some light swearing and Patrick Leahy.)

There’s a lot to love in the video, even if the opening is a little slow (but entirely necessary). If you’re a patent wonk (does such a thing exist?), shout-outs to patent laws (PL 112-29, yo) and an appearance by David Kappos, the director of the USPTO, will provide a few thrills. If you’re everyone else, there’s a ton of sexual verbiage and Patrick Leahy, both Obamas and Michael Jackson all get name checked. Keep your eyes peeled for a distracted patent officer 'rubber-stamping' an application.

All in all, it’s good clean fun that takes a few jabs at the more ludicrous aspects of the patent process. I’d love to see them expand this idea out further, perhaps encompassing some of the research aspects, like somehow making Google’s Prior Art finder harvest results from Google Images. Or checking a sexual partner for infringement by requiring a list of past partners and positions. Or maybe tackle the “patent troll” angle: the guy who patents sex but never actually performs the act.

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Comments on “$exytime: Thanks To An Easily Exploitable System, Three Lawyers Have 'Patented Sex'*”

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28 Comments
SujaOfJauhnral (profile) says:

Re: Re:

We should counter by patenting breathing, that way everyone would be fucked. As a result we will be sued for gazillions of dollars for infringing on their sex patent, but then we can counter sue them for infringing on our breathing patent (I’m under the assumption they aren’t robots in disguise and need to breathe) thus creating a sue paradox.

Hopefully, it’ll cancel itself out, and patents will cease to exist. Of course, it could just cause everyone and everything to be smashed into fifty billion pieces. Worth the risk IMO.

Alana (profile) says:

Re: Re: Re:

“We should counter by patenting breathing, that way everyone would be fucked”

I’m sorry, the word “Fucked” and it’s associated words “Fuck”, “Fucking”, “Fucker”, “Jesus Fuckballs This Is Stupid” have all been filed for patenting, trademarking, and copyright. This “holy trinity” — which has also been copyrighted, patented, and trademarked, by the way– will automatically penalize anyone who uses a particular 4-lettered word combination out of 1 billion dollars.

We are of the firm belief that this will further innovation by preventing the complete and total use of a particular series of words.

You’re welcome.

/s

Gregg says:

When a group of people write a computer program to be used productively in this world, they generally follow a system development life cycle; that process(being in layman’s terms) should go through the stages of a stated purpose, functional research, technical design, a development process, a QA(testing) process, implementation and then maintenance for it’s life span. There are more details to the stages of the cycle, but I’m trying to keep it simple.

The Law’s of our society, where in theory (but not always practice) it should follow the same process. When we are looking at developing a law or policy for people and organizations to follow, these laws and policies act much like a computer program. People and Organizations are supposed to know the rules they have to follow and trust that these rules will allow them to complete their purpose or task…. but often the bits and bytes do not co-operate or follow the rules… you can fill in the blanks from here.

A big problem that exists today with the making of laws and policies (and wow are there many of them) is that there is no QA process to the life cycle of the law before it is implemented. So little is put into the process of seeing how a new law can affect other laws, organizations, people or just basic common sense. Laws and policies are often knee jerk reactions, politicians “wet dreams” or more often than not, the secret agenda of a lobby group (cough..big industry…cough…home land security…cough 😉

The QA comes at the end of the life cycle in the form of the courts and this is super super expensive, slow…oh so slow and not always granted.

The Government could make life simpler if they just put in the court system QA before a law or policy is put into effect. This would save the world (and big industry) billions of dollars and billions of man hours in having so many laws and policies debated after they have been created. Not to say that the courts would not be busy, but it would help make laws that are more sound in judgement and fairness to all parties before they are voted on in the legislature.

And like all computer programs, laws and policies should have a ?drop support date? and become retired after a certain duration of time automatically. People shouldn?t have to fight so hard to get laws retired or changed.

This is where the Patent laws fail the public, the greater good and free market.

Steve says:

Sex Patent

Does the sex patent also apply to animals ??? If yes then I want the patent on Bunny’s, mice, cats, dogs, ants, and any and all other animals that reproduce fast.

For all pet owners will have to buy a license any and every time their animal has sex. And if the pet owner has a female pet that has a litter (or whatever they call some of the animals), the owner will have to buy a license for each animal in the litter.

As for ants and such, the person owning the property where the ants, and such, reside may as well just hand over the title to their house, car, boat, trailor … no Wait … if I get all that then I’LL be the owner who has to pay, but I can’t pay myself … can I ???

Steve says:

Does the sex patent cover certain positions or does it just have a blanket approach???

Does the sex patent define what sex is? I remember a certain president who redefined a certain sex act.

And woe be unto the parents who has a child playing doctor. Is there a minimum age where play turns into sex???

What if astronauts have sex in space. Does the sex patent include the entire universe??? Maybe even ET’s?? And who is going to go up {out} there to issue the summons?

This thread is like a LOT of our laws ,,, stupid, knee-jerk reaction, and a COMPLETE lack of intelligence and common sense on the part of our law makers.

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