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Iran Declares Victory Over Internet-In-A-Suitcase

from the efforts-still-ongoing-vs.-d**k-in-a-box dept

Whatever anyone comes up with, Iran has an answer for it. The regular internet (a.k.a., "The Wild West") too wild and free and uncensored? No problem. Iran’s got it covered with its own internet (still in progress). You say you’ve put some men and other assorted animals into orbit? Hey, Iran’s been doing that since sometime this month.

So, what’s up next for Iran, the little dictatorship that could? Why, it’s nothing less than announcing its triumph over the possibly still-in-progress internet-in-a-suitcase. Built by the US to keep dissidents supplied with a viable internet connection and a direct line to the CIA, the internet-in-a-suitcase has already proven to be no match for whatever it is that Iran did to combat it. Says Iranian Intelligence Minister, Heidar Moselhi:

[U.S. President Barack] Obama admitted several times, in Congress and elsewhere, that the cyberwars he has carried out against us have not succeeded. He has admitted defeat. We had foreseen in advance the steps they are taking in cyberspace — for example, the ‘Internet in a Suitcase’ that they have hyped so much — and we have ways to counter it," Moslehi said in an interview with Iranian state television.

A very bold statement from Moselhi, who makes the brash claim that the U.S. has already conceded this cyberwar "several times." The only thing stopping a chorus of "[citations please]" from raining down on his head is the implicit threat of violence aimed at dissenting opinions. Moselhi seems to have wiped the Stuxnet situation from his memory, much like Stuxnet itself wiped several years of nuclear arms racing right off Iran’s "World Domination Timeline" by tearing them a literal wormhole via some cybernetic centrifuge abuse.

But… but… supremacy!

In addition to the un-vetted statement above, Iran would also like you to be aware that its military is tops in cyberspace readiness:

Army Commander Ahmadreza Pourdastan has said that the Iranian Army is adequately prepared to counter any possible cyber threats against the Islamic Republic.

"Iranian armed forces are capable of carrying out offensive and defensive cyber operations," Brigadier General Pourdastan told the Mehr News Agency on Saturday. "The Army is fully prepared to defend the country against cyber attacks," he said. "We are not afraid that other countries are turning to (strategies and tactics of) cyber war because we are also familiar with cyberspace."

Seeing as the product in question isn’t even completely out of R&D yet (or is it? [conspiratorial hmmm accompanied by raised eyebrow]), how does the Iranian superforce know exactly what it’s combating? Is it just shaking down everyone carrying luggage or posting "No Luggage Allowed" signs everywhere? Did they hire the Samsonite ape to beat the hell out of everything while outlawing the purchase of ape-proof luggage?

Perhaps the military’s newly minted cyberwarriors are already on the attack, browsing farhadslist.org for spikes in luggage listings or suspicious "Missed Connections" with half the conversation in English. Who knows? Even more to the point, who’s saying? Much like its earlier claim of internet superiority over various hacktivists, this is another unprovable statement that Iran will use as evidence of its constant victory over every nation with at least a modicum of civil rights.

Stay tuned.

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Comments on “Iran Declares Victory Over Internet-In-A-Suitcase”

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Anonymous Coward says:

how does the Iranian superforce know exactly what it’s combating? Is it just shaking down everyone carrying luggage or posting “No Luggage Allowed” signs everywhere? Did they hire the Samsonite ape to beat the hell out of everything while outlawing the purchase of ape-proof luggage?

Simple, they hired the TSA to grope everyone looking suspicous….. oh wait, that’s the entire population… *sigh*

Sean says:


I hate to inform all of the handful readers of this shitty web site that every one you are dumbass fcuking idiots. But, as idiots you wouldn’t get it anyway, even if it his you on your face like a lump of shiitt.

A bunch of ignorant fcukwits, like you, should stick to playing Nintendo and live politics to those with IQ of above 99.

Iran has fcuked you Americans and dog shiitt Jews in every conflict. Except, of course, when you pieces of shiitt motherfcuking COWARDS blew up a passenger jet killing 300 innocent Iranians.

Iran is a regional superpower and has effectively stopped you whore-for-mothers Americans and you dog-for-mother inbreed Jews from dominating the Middle East.

No wonder you COWARDS are angry at Iran.

You can now go and fcuk yourselves.

el_segfaulto (profile) says:

Re: Idiots

I remember when trolls were original…ah the good ole days. Now it’s just some sad loser pounding away in their parent’s basement as they watch the world pass them by and wonder “where did I go wrong?”

Now we get trolls defending a “society” still stuck in the dark ages, stoning women and nonbelievers, and worshiping a pedophile. Maybe I’m just getting old, but bring me back the old trolls.

Does anybody else have anything they want to say to the nice Iranian astroturfer?

experienced (profile) says:

Re: Re: Idiots

Can you think of anything Iran has been allowed to participate in since 1979… besides slanderous lies from israel? (oh, and b/t/w… he never said anything about nuking israel… only they and our media have said that). He exactly spoke of free elections in israel, and laughability of communism & nazism! Now, what other democratic, capitalistic, freedom-of-religion speech do you want, dumbass??? 16 intel agencies across the world debunked that DAYS after Adolf Bushler & AIPAC pushed it into your stupid head… and have not stopped for six years. You’ve had six years to research the truth – but still believe the same things… HELL- even the Nazi’s figured out the misleadership they’d been subjected to before that!!! YOU are a dope 4th Reich loser, the ‘new jew’ is anyone with oil under their feet… and the profiteers, if successful, AREN’T EVEN YOU- STOOGE. You are here only to die for the Adolf Bushler-Darth Cheney-Israeli crime syndicate… Anglo-Oil & the MIC!

MAC says:

Re: Re: Re: Idiots

Morons, did Israel state as part of its foreign policy that it “Intends to destroy Iran”?
Did iran state in its foreign policy that it intends to destroy Israel?
So, who is the aggressor? iran.
By the way, iran is Persia and the Persians of old loved the Jews so what gives? What really changed? They did iran a favor a few years ago by destroying Bagdad?s un-finished nuclear reactors and Saddam would just as soon have unleashed nukes on iran as Israel.
So, again, what gives, THEY DID YOU A FAVOR!
Idiots… You have no dog in the Palestinian fight so why are you acting like a bunch of crazy Arabs? You are not even Arabs. Why! Why are you so stupid….

experienced (profile) says:

Re: Idiots

agreed… Iran is actually the only peace-loving genius country of the region… nobody dislikes them besides contemporary israel (b/t/w… the jews have only had Persians to save since the beginning of time! the 21st century, scumbag ‘synagogue of satan’ (Jesus Christ, Mtthw 23) is the troublemaker directing the unknowing/ uncaring/ unenfranchised). Ask the Scandanavians, Chinese, Russians, et al, what they think of Persians… if FOX News and our US NatSec 4th Reich lets you. PEACE is what the world wants (unfortunately, nay Israel).

Jacob Cooper (profile) says:

Re: Idiots

I voted you “insightful” because I believe you provided insight.

I particularly enjoyed your deliberate misspellings. They were sparse but effective. Though, I did notice your unintentional correct spelling of “shitty” and your unintentional misspelling of “hit”. I have to say, though, that with your talent I think these are shortcomings you will be able to correct.

Your grammar falls short of the intelligence you’ve thus provided so far. I found many of your sentences difficult to chew, let alone digest. I would recommend that in future installments you focus on grammatically rich sentences and less on the savory aspects of misspellings.

I think you have a great future as a commenting troller, but you need to focus on things that truly represent your opinions and don’t sound as if you’re trolling just to be trolling.

No need to thank me, your mother did several years ago…

Chargone (profile) says:

Re: Idiots

any particular reason you can’t seem to spell ‘fuck’? or ‘shit’ for that matter.

also, hurray for insults that, in English, either get you laughed at or immediately and violently beaten, depending on the nature of the person insulted and proximity. (i mean, seriously, they’re pretty bad, but at the same time, they sound completely ridiculous. )

in other news: we need more ‘do not feed the trolls’ signs. or possibly an automatic troll feeder. *ponders possibilities*

worst insult in this entire post? the implication that I’m an American 😛

The Devil's Coachman (profile) says:

Re: Idiots

So how is your mom? Still servicing the “Revolutionary Guards” at a dollar a trick? She must be quite well off from that by now. Too bad she didn’t spend any of her hard earned money on your education, because then you wouldn’t appear to be the ignoramus you so obviously are when trolling here. Now go scamper off and resume what you were doing – masturbating furiously.

Anonymous Coward says:

Maybe the guy needs a target, like a paper Obama or something. Right now it looks like his aim is seriously off and he’s going for the scatter gun approach.

Iran? Superpower? Someone get this guy off the comic books. I think he’s bent one too many pages. Or maybe he read that “fold, spindle, and mutilate” as something he’s supposed to do to himself.

I’m not sure his IQ could be measured. You have to have something about a zero to start with before you test.

Karl (profile) says:

Victory Against 'Internet In A Suitcase'

Iran’s Revolutionary Guards Declares Victory Against ‘Internet In A Suitcase’ Project
Jul 06, 2011 (Reuters)

TEHRAN – Iranian Intelligence Minister Heydar Moslehi has declared victory against the “Internet In A Suitcase” Project. Says Moslehi, “As of now, all suitcases are banned in Iran.”

This reporter asked him to elaborate. “The idea was given to me by my son, who is an active Internet user,” he said. “When I heard about this ‘Internet In A Suitcase,’ I went into his room, and asked him what I should do about it.

“‘Why don’t you just ban all suitcases?’ he said. I asked him, ‘Will that really work?’

“There was a long pause as he stared at me. ‘Yes, surely you will be full of win,’ he said. ‘In fact, I believe you would even gain 1000 Internets. There is no better way to show the world that Iran’s power level is over 9000.’

“‘Then that is what I shall do,’ I told him. As I left his room, I heard peals of laughter, which of course must be from joy over our impending victory against decadent American values.”

out_of_the_blue says:

Remember the lies about Iraq?

This piece accepts those lie as truth by blithely repeating similar new lies about Iran, the same old racist premise that the Iranians are just crazed religious fanatics.

Rumsfeld on WMD: “we know where they are” — but years of searching couldn’t find a single one. (Don’t forget that the US provided Hussein with the chemical weapons that were used in the much repeated massacre; the US was arming him for war against Iran, after the Iranians had overthrown the US puppet dictator Shah. Historical context puts a different face on everything.)
Rice: “mushroom cloud” — same, not a hint of a nuclear program.
“Yellow cake” from Niger.
The aluminum centrifuge tubes that turned out to be for mere rockets.
And the innuendos that evaporated of Hussein links to “al-Qaeda”.
EVERY reason put forth by the Bush administration for invading Iraq has been admitted to be flat out lies, not even mistaken interpretation of “intelligence”. — The first real reason is of course OIL, but the EMPIRE overarches that.

The MOST despicable LIE yet is that the US is bringing democracy to Irag. — Yes, BOMBING THEM INTO DEMOCRACY. That’s how twisted the new paradigm is.

“Americans” are gullible fools. Your buttons get pushed with a bloody event — YOU have no idea WHO did it except what the gov’t has told you; “conservatives” used to mistrust the gov’t at every turn — which makes you insane with desire for revenge; that’s focused into jingoistic nationalism so that you support wars of aggression against people who’ve done you no wrong.

You’ve not learned the lessons of Vietnam: that the military-industrial complex gets rich simply by killing people, doesn’t matter whether “our” soldiers or innocent people: it’s costing about a MILLION dollars per person killed in Iraq (and that’s a low estimate); the US is being drained to finance a global empire, not incidentally destroyed in the process, all your liberties stripped.

But now you’re learning who the real targets of the fascist empire are: YOU. The TSA is spreading to bus stations and malls, and the plan is for the best police state ever. But you’re mostly blind to the increasing police state, told that you’re “free” and not to worry, the fatherland will keep you safe.

Chargone (profile) says:

Re: Remember the lies about Iraq?

see, you make a lot of good points here. i actually agree with a lot of them.

problem: Iran’s Leadership, at least, is made up of “crazed religious fanatics” (or at least a couple right at the top and a number who find it to their advantage to exploit that.) it tends to colour perception of the nation as a whole (much as the US’s disastrous monument to plutocratic oligarchy their leadership tries to pass off as a ‘democracy’ and it’s ridiculous behaviour tend to colour perception of the United States of America as a whole)

darryl says:

"product in question isn't even completely out of R&D yet"

Seeing as the product in question isn’t even completely out of R&D yet (or is it? [conspiratorial hmmm accompanied by raised eyebrow]), how does the Iranian superforce know exactly what it’s combating?

Mike, what is ‘competely out of R&D yet’?

Radar, so did Germay in 1942 have to combat radar, even though it was ‘out of R&D’.

Just saying, its a stupid and pointless statement, but something expected from TD, as you tend to like to stretch, or warp anything to suit your own ‘argument’.

I just wonder why you say things like that? And how you can relate that to any form of reality.

I just cannot work out if you really do not have a clue, or are willing to bend reality to push a point ?

shepherd says:

mindless nation

America is a brain washed consumerist nation. Its citizens are clueless to the reality of this world. They only repeat like parrots whatever garbage and lies that comes out of their propaganda machines managed by Israeli AIPAC. The average American high schooler can’t even add 4 digits numbers without scratching their heads. They have systematically been dumbed down to be good consumers for the empire. Thye will send their sons to be killed so that Israel can get free money from their government. THey don’t have free education or healthcare like the rest of modern world but lack the intellect to ask why. THey are like cows in a pasture that just feed on grass all day and millked and slaughtered the next day. NO QUESTIONS ASKED! just bend me over and let me have another sir. Don’t bother with lubricant, we are so used to it by now WE LIKE IT. US #1

MAC says:

Re: mindless nation

Oh how you underestimate us. We have a long and storied history of not liking, listening too or trusting the government.
Why was the USA founded? Very simple, we did not want to pay a 1 ct tax on tea. Not that we could not afford it, it was the idea of someone far far away trying to tell us what to do. We fought an 8 year war over that one.
We trust governments about as far we can throw the moon; especially our own.
Kids can’t add? Depends on who you believe but; they have great imaginations because we found out a long time ago that that was what’s really important.
Don’t believe me; let’s see… liquid fueled rockets, airplanes, AC power grid, the light bulb, you know, we invented little known things like that. But we can’t add…
Give me a break. It’s nations that brainwash their children by rot and teach them to blow themselves up or their citizens copy everybody else and especially us because their educational system has made it impossible for them to think for themselves let alone ‘outside of the box.’
Least you forget we invented the modern world and if it was not for us over half of you idiots would be dead from disease or starvation.
Think about that…

The Devil's Coachman (profile) says:

Perhaps you need to find your audience.

Unfortunately for you, it won’t be an audience of sentient beings, but I’m sure there are troops of baboons that you would find common ground with. So why don’t you venture out to Busch Gardens, or the Bronx Zoo, and preach and screech away to your contemporaries behind the bars. They will also be much more receptive to you if you bring oranges and bananas and such. Perhaps they can tell you something of value to you, as well.

Iranian says:

Where did you get that Stuxnet set back Iran’s nuclear program by several years?! Does relatively constant output of enriched uranium from the plant (+/- 10% normal variation) suggest a huge disaster? Or maybe 1000 damaged centrifuges from around 9000 installed machines (around 10%) seem like a significant set-back in your twisted backward logic?! The ones that were replaced in a few months (I am guessing you don?t bother to read IAEA reports)! Maybe you should check your time measurement units and your twisted logic (every year has 12 months).

Anyway, keep dreaming about destroyed or severely set-back program while we increase our arsenal.

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