Protip: After Committing Drunken Hit And Run…Don't Brag About It On Facebook

from the still-just-saying dept

You know those really sweet movies revolving around mastermind criminals? The ones where bumbling police have no shot at catching the guy/girl/team? Maybe it’s the worst James Bond ever (barely edging out Timothy Dalton) stealing some artwork while fornicating with the Lethal Weapon girl. Or else it’s half of Fight Club, the one interesting character from ER, and most of the remaining acting world robbing everyone on the planet in the most mind-numbingly convoluted manner possible. The lesson here is that criminals are freaking smart. So smart, in fact, that attempting to stop them is only playing into their hands, twisting police and federal agents around into pretzels wrapped more tightly than the knots on the ropes with which the criminals repelled out of the banks. You just can’t stop crime, because criminals are too good.

It turns out that Hollywood (shockingly) is wrong. Criminals are stupid. More specifically, they stupidly like to brag about their crimes, such as the woman who robbed a bank and then created a YouTube video about it. And now we can add an idiotic, drunk driving teen to the list, who side-swiped a couple of cars on New Years Day and then rushed to Facebook to post about it.

Jacob Cox-Brown, 18, of Astoria, Ore., about 100 miles west of Portland, was with friends when, police say, he posted the status update on his Facebook page: “Drivin drunk… classsic 😉 but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P”

In an interview with ABC affiliate KATU-TV in Portland, Cox-Brown says the post was meant as a joke. But his friends who spotted the update didn’t see the humor behind it. Instead, one friend sent a private message to an Astoria police officer’s personal Facebook account while another friend called police Sgt. Brian Aydt.

Acting like such an assclown that even the people that know you turn you in to the police… classic! Seriously, if I had to decide which was better evidence that this young man doesn’t deserve a driver’s license, either the fact that he drank and drove or that he thought it would be okay to say so on a public social media platform after hitting two cars… well, I mean both are horrible, but I think the latter is dumber and I don’t want someone that dumb behind the wheel of anything.

Jet Ski Car
No, not even that travesty of an automobile.
Image source: CC BY 2.0

Look, let’s make this simple: don’t drink and drive. But, if you do drink and drive, make sure you’re the kind of moron that posts about it on social media. Better yet, just drive to the nearest police department, park your car on their front lawn, and pass out at their front door. You’ll be saving us all a great deal of trouble.

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Comments on “Protip: After Committing Drunken Hit And Run…Don't Brag About It On Facebook”

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PaulT (profile) says:

Re: Let's get the priorities straight!

Brosnan wasn’t a bad Bond, he just get some terrible scripts to work with. As the character he was fine, but he was definitely in some of the worst movies (though Moonraker will always be the shark jumping moment for me – and believe me, it takes a lot for me to think something’s worse than CGI Bond “stunts” from Brosnan’s last film!).

Dalton worked OK as the Bond from the books rather than the movies, but he had a similar problem with being cast as the character when nobody really knew which direction to move him in once the cold war was collapsing.

Tex Arcana (profile) says:

Re: Re: Let's get the priorities straight!

I disagree: Craig embodies the spirit of Bond quite well–sophisticated, educated, tough as nails, quick-thinking, willing to do what it takes to get the job done.

Read the books (the ORIGINALS, not the lame-ass copycats), and try to remember the times during which they were written, and you might just get it.

That One Guy (profile) says:

To all potential future lawbreakers:

Please, ignore this article. Despite what it says, we all very much want to read about/see videos of your exploits on facebook, youtube, twitter and as many other social media sites as you can post them on.

Also pay no attention to the idea that doing such is a quick way to get arrested, that only happens to lame people, and could certainly never happen to a master criminal like yourself.

The schadenfreude loving popcorn industry

Michael (profile) says:

“Criminals are stupid

I am building a class action suit against you libel. A sweeping, ignorant comment like this that denigrates a group of people cannot be tolerated in a civil society.

I ask all criminals to send an email to: listing your name, address, and details of your latest criminal offence (to make sure you qualify for the class).

We will make sure this cannot happen to anyone else – and you will get paid to do it!

Tex Arcana (profile) says:

Good criminals are smart, VERY smart.

They take shit from you, and you don’t even know its been taken. They move throughout our society, taking what they want or need, and they do it so well, they’re never seen or found; sometimes, they get someone else altogether blamed and convicted for their crimes.

Many of them even have scruples: they may steal, but they never steal so much that it permanently damages anyone, other than some mild annoyances.

It’s the stupid ones we always hear about: the idiot in this article; dumb gangstas that post pics of the spinnaz they stole on their cars the very same day; politicians getting caught getting blowjobs from their mistresses, or bribes from their “benefactors”; pedopriests and pedopreachers; Big Banks and their taxpayer muggings.

If I had to be a crook, I’d be the former for sure. But I’m too dumb to be dishonest. 🙁

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