Dear Shaolin Monks: There Are People On The Internet Who Make Up Stories. Just Ignore Them

from the sue-like-the-dragon,-demand-apologies-like-a-tiger dept

If you want to know just how litigious our world has become, all you need to know is that the lawyers for China's famed Shaolin Temple (yes, it has lawyers) are demanding that an anonymous online forum poster apologize for claiming that a group of Shaolin monks had been beaten in unarmed combat by a Japanese ninja. Apparently, for all their fancy martial arts moves, the Shaolin monks aren't particularly familiar with how internet forums work. Here's a hint: people make stuff up all the time. And no one believes it. And no one pays any attention to it. Of course, now that you're demanding an apology for this "horrible deed" (horrible? really?) all that's done is draw a lot more attention to a story that no one would have read (much less cared about) in the first place.


Reader Comments (rss)

(Flattened / Threaded)

  1.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 7:56pm

    Seriously?

    This isn't a story off the Onion or something? Good lord. It's from Reuters. This is serious? Come on, people! Why bother? How much damage could that possibly do?
    First

     

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  2.  
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    The Swiss Cheese Monster, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 7:57pm

    I'm always happy to hear when Ninja's beat monks. Mostly because I'm a ninja myself.

     

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  3.  
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    Todd, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 8:00pm

    Ninja

    No, you're not, and you better apologize now.

     

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  4.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 8:12pm

    I love you.

     

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  5.  
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    robert, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 8:24pm

    Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

    And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If you don't believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your head off!!! It's an easy choice, if you ask me.

    Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that's a fact. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can't wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee).

     

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  6.  
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    GoblinJuice, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 8:32pm

    BREAKING NEWS!

    China and Japan don't get along!

    *cough*One example why.*cough*

     

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  7.  
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    steve, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 8:33pm

    Kill bill

     

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  8.  
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    dave, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 8:50pm

    ninjas own, end of story. its not like denying it will change anything, ninjas own

     

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  9.  
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    Naruto Uzemaki, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 9:51pm

    BELIEVE IT!!!

    NINJAS ARE THE BEST BELIEVE IT!

     

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  10.  
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    Kyros, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 9:58pm

    Woo, Pirates?

     

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  11.  
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    Kfir Pravda, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 10:44pm

    BlogDay

    Just wanted to let you know that I've recommended your blog on BlogDay 2007:
    http://pravdam.com/2007/09/01/my-5-blogday-choices/

     

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  12.  
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    KingJacob, Aug 31st, 2007 @ 10:59pm

    I am Sparta!

    I feel sorry for these monks, they dont go online much so they arent exposed to the beast that is an online forum

     

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  13.  
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    Prometheus, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 7:11am

    robert

    My dear you really need to get out more ... you be a sick puppy!

     

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  14.  
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    Stute, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 7:13am

    Oh boy, this is going to get out of control

    and fast. Next we'll have topics about who would win; Chuck Norris, Ninjas, Pirates, or Monks....


    Personally, I think good ol' Chuck would win hands down.

     

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  15.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 7:37am

    ALGORYTHM MARCH

    WITH NINJAS!

     

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  16.  
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    wnyght, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 7:54am

    Re:

    did someone forget their meds today?!?

     

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  17.  
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    gza, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 8:45am

    Re:

    Ninjas can not defeat my wu-tang style!


    souuuuuuuuuuu.

     

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  18.  
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    Danny, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 9:29am

    all publicity is good publicity? Ha!

    You mean these monks are such wimps they have to have lawyers fight their battles? Beaten my Ninjas? These monks are being beaten by a trollers!

    What wimps they are.

     

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  19.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 9:31am

    To be honest, most people knew that the Shaolin Monks are pussies. They're just full of fancy stuff to make them look cool. Ninjas have a reputation for being unstoppable and deadly, and do THEY parade around the world showing off their skills? HELL no. Most people deny that they even exist. And they still have a better reputation than these monks.

    And this online forum thing? Even more proof. Ninjas wouldn't even say anything. The "anonymous" poster would just be found dead one day, with a print out of his post stapled to his head. But the monks... they're too scared.

     

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  20.  
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    The Wise One, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 9:48am

    Ninjas are only famous for their flipouts, because they have no control over their temper or emotions. At least the monks have control over their emotions, if not their intelligence once in a while.

     

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  21.  
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    Sludge Monkey, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 9:54am

    Uh Oh...

    This is getting ugly.
    I hear the Wu-Tang Clan has sided with the monks AND hired Chuck Norris to mete out justice.
    It is also believed that Mr. T, Elmo, and Steven Segal are getting involved by declaring a Twinkie and chainsaw war on all ninjas.


    But seriously, remember the same culture produced a professional state run news paper that believed The Onion's story about the new Solid Gold Capital Dome...

     

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  22.  
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    Prometheus, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 10:20am

    What Geek does NOT Know just WHO-the Shaolin Monks

    It goes back to what Geek does not know about Star Wars? George Lucus, himself cited his model for the "FORCE" and the amazing abilities of mind control and fighting power as based on the "Shaolin Monk" amazing abilities. They are centuries old and have a diffent force thing working for them. Go to History Channel.com and seek it out. By the way, George Lucus, himself, narrated this documentary about where his ideas came from for the Star Wars movies.

    According to George, they are really bad dudes that defend good over evil, the Red Chinese army does not mess with them either. Besides the mind control thing they have- they are unbelievable fighters. No one on record has ever beat them in the many centuries before and after the Ninjas ever exsisted. It is a historical fact look it up.

     

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  23.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 10:33am

    Re: What Geek does NOT Know just WHO-the Shaolin M

    That's a load of bull. I saw Mr. T take on 6 of them just the other day.

     

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  24.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 10:47am

    Gizmodo

    Mike,

    You think you're so tough. Hate bad patents, out of line corporations, bad ideas. Ha! You guys aren't tough.

    I have it on record that one day in 1970, two Gizmodo writers entered the Techdirt premises and proceded to bitch slap all Techdirt staff and writers, and give them atomic wedgies. The Gizmodo writers got out without a scratch.

    Apparently, they used "Gizmo-syle" kung-fu. Which is a little like "wax on, wax off", but is more like "gizmo crash, cycle power". Either way, it makes for whopper wedgies.

    This is true because I wrote it on the Internets.

     

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  25.  
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    Lucretious, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 11:59am

    Go pick up a few Weber grills with your forearms and fall face first into a snow pile you robe wearing sissy's!

     

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  26.  
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    alternatives, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 12:47pm

    real vs not real

    Monks exist. Ninjas do not. Simple for them to win.

     

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  27.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 1:02pm

    Streisand effect is awesome.

    >>>Monks exist. Ninjas do not. Simple for them to win.

    Umm... Ninjas do exist.

     

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  28.  
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    Cixelsid, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 2:51pm

    Pirates kick ninja ass any day of the month.

     

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  29.  
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    boomhauer (profile), Sep 1st, 2007 @ 3:19pm

    confused

    what about those poor confused ninjas who live in monasteries... not that there's anything wrong with that.

     

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  30.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 5:27pm

    ninjas eat grasshoppers for breakfast!

     

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  31.  
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    Ninjaaaaaaaaaa, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 6:17pm

    Ninja's Take Down Chinese Government

    My Sensei is planning for all my Ninja brothers to take down the Chinese government soon, we will assassinate every last one of them, and perhaps take in a show or two at the Chinese Ballet.

     

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  32.  
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    Bryan, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 6:41pm

    Re: RealUltimatePower.net

    Ninjas are especially sweet when they are flipping out and wailing on their guitars.

     

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  33.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 8:31pm

    Chuck Norris can kill them all with just a thought.

     

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  34.  
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    BlackHatThePriate, Sep 1st, 2007 @ 11:55pm

    Shaolin Lawyers?

    How long do you have to go to law school to be a Shaolin Lawyer? I'm betting they are the ones who are truly unstoppable in this day and age! If I was the punk who posted that message I'd be shitting my pants...

    And by the way, Pirates use guns ;) Ninja/Monk vs. Pirate: Reminds me of that scene from indiana jones...

     

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  35.  
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    dude, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 1:40am

    Turtles

    Has anyone asked the Turtles how they feel

     

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  36.  
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    bitchinthread, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 9:35am

    bitchinthread

    Shaolin Monks are to Jesus what Ninja are to Chuck Norris

    Monks

     

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  37.  
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    Moogle, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 9:56am

    Monks v Ninjas

    In all fairness a Shaolin Monk would definitely beat the shit out a Ninja, with the key words being "IN UNARMED COMBAT". Ninjitsu relies on stealth, acrobatics and weapons. Sure that ninja might be a tough target to hit, but it's like putting a fox in a ring with a bear. The bear can take a lot of damage because it's slow and strong, but all it needs is one solid hit to take down that fox.

     

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  38.  
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    westfork, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 1:23pm

    Re: The Swiss Cheese Monste

    I'm always happy to hear when Ninja's beat monks. Mostly because I'm a ninja myself. Really, do you have shurikens? Because you can't be a ninja if you don't have shurikens.

     

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  39.  
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    sharingislegal, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 1:23pm

    Huh?

    These ninja, were they mutant and happen to be turtles?

     

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  40.  
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    CobraKai, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 3:07pm

    Of course

    Ninjas always win at rock paper scissors then they drip poison down a string into your open sleeping mouth

     

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  41.  
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    BokFu Penguin, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 4:46pm

    w00t

    @CobraKai: your thinking of Martin Blank, not assassins. (Gross Point Blank)

    @Everyone else:

    Shaolin Monks would win hands down. Contrary to belife, they are trained in armed AND un-armed combat. They are also trained from the time they are children. Ninjas a taught when they decide they dont want to get picked on anymore and they want to learn how to fight and beat people up.

    I trained in Bok Fu for several years, which is decendant from one of the 5 originators of Shaolin Monks training. (Three of em died in duels, but hey, thats what happens when you get 5 dudes together that kick ass for a living).

    If you ever have a chance to learn Bok Fu, DO IT... it is one of the best fighting styles I have ever seen. (Though it takes a lifetime to master).

     

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  42.  
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    Chris, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 5:18pm

    Re: w00t

    If you ever have a chance to learn Bok Fu, DO IT... it is one of the best fighting styles I have ever seen. (Though it takes a lifetime to master).

    So by the time you're a master, you can wield your walking frame with deadly efficency

     

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  43.  
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    edward, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 8:28pm

    Fully agree with what you said, here is my addtional 2 cents:

    Just finish the Frontier Visionary Interview with Alvin Toffler ( http://www.hwswworld.com/uploaddownload/interview/toffler.mp3 ), I was impressed by his sharp mind as well as his talking speed, that is probably why he could made those precise predictions, such as Prosume, a combination of outsourcing and DIY

    Through the interview, the following viewpoints have been drawn:

    1. There is no truth, only the correctness of truth to be proved. That is the fundamental limitation of human perception of reality

    2. Minority power is good in certain way; it is ridiculous a high school drop out shall have the same voting as that of post-doctor. Elite ruling is good for a less developed world for sure

    3. To fix the education system, the key is not the system itself; the key is people, especially those students. How to motivate them is a key challenge, since current generation and future generations need not study and work hard in order to make a decent living as we did before

    4. The causes and effects of innovation to drive knowledge creation is yet a wild land or wonderland to be fully explored

    5. There is a possibility for business miniature to happen, it will be not a shame any more for one-man shop, or one-shop man

    6. Where will the modern civilization head on remains an open question

    7. Human intelligence will be enhanced through technology advancement

     

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  44.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 8:32pm

    > Shaolin Monks are to Jesus what Ninja are to Chuck Norris

    Best internet quote of the day :)

     

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  45.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 10:05pm

    erm

    historically speaking (just for the record) ninja were generally trained from childhood as well. The ninja was a direct response to the samurai of the age being rather well... totalitarian. A village would donate a child to one of the ninja clans in exchange for relief from oppression.

    Anyway, just 2 cents

     

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  46.  
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    Apennismightier, Sep 2nd, 2007 @ 11:40pm

    By that logic they'll be asking for an apology for the movie Bulletproof Monk... my God was that a bad movie.

     

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  47.  
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    Mitch Graves, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 4:26am

    Martial Arts Facts

    1st: Normal or 'street fight' level fights;
    In 1973 ABC Wide World of Sports *AND* Karate Illustrated magazine, both (individually) hosted fights using top world champion karate masters. They were responding to numerous claims and insults from the boxing community about the inferiority of Karate to boxing. Both 'masters' were pitted against no-name unranked club fighters. Both fights had to be stopped in the 3rd round...because the boxers were beating the crap out of the karate boys.
    It takes a kick 5 times as long to land as a punch from the same person. Hence they are far easier to stop. They also take up much more energy. You might watch 50 karate fights w/o ever seeing a knockout kick land. And against a well schooled boxer (who keeps his hands up) it is very unlikely).

    Then (about 20 yrs back) ESPN started (or started showing) the World Karate Assn fights. Boxers moved in and beat the snot out of the karate guys. So they changed the rules and the 2nd year they required a min of 8 kicks per round.

    Karate is for the movies - some modern forms are a little better.
    But they all have cool looking but silly things in them that might get you beat sensless.

    On a personal note I started karate because I wanted the stretching after a motorcycle accident. With only 2 years of boxing in HS I could beat my 3rd dan instructor and every other person in the dojo. I was 140 lbs.

    (Police statistic: 80% to 90% of ALL fights end up on the ground).

    Many years later I became a cop and was introduced to Jiu Jitsu. Then later to Judo. Judo is Jiu Jitsu PLUS how to fight standing up. JJ is almost all ground work. Even the Gracie manual says to train Judo 2 days a week. They say this because in the vast majority of times a Gracie has fought a judoka, the judo guy has won. If you control *how* you go to the ground you are likely to do better once there.
    If you want to beat the daylights out of any monk or bruce lee you run across learn to box well and learn judo. Learning a few low snap kicks might be of use but this can be done in a day. Boxing will take months of you are brave and disciplined. Judo/JJ will take 5 to 10 years.

    2nd Lethal fighting. Intentional killing.
    All one needs to do is watch the "Human Weapon" series to see the superiority of MMA type fighters. Take any ranked guy and put him in an alley with the top guy from any karate and it will just be sad. Karate (and most other disciplines) only look good when going against one another. And if you want to include killing and maiming blows Krav Maga and others get it much more right than karate and its immediate offshoots.

    All of this of course applies to unarmed combat.
    If your opponents are armed with anything, have a gun.
    Don't be stupid the cops will get there after it's all over. 
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=S7pGt_O1uM8

     

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  48.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 5:23am

    ... why, exactly, are there no Shaolin Ninjamonks? I want a Ninjamonk.

     

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  49.  
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    gnomedeplume, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 7:06am

    Is it luck or is it fate?

    Life is not game where certain rules are always followed and in the real world there is always a random element. Many, if not most, of the people writing or reading this have never been in any kind of real combat, and that is a good thing. The most important thing I learned in martial arts training was be very very humble because every once in a while some jamoke with no training and an inflated sense of ego gets lucky and connects the punch, kick, etc. of a lifetime and then you are on the ground or in the e.r. with your black belt and all, bruises both to your body and your own ego. Another important thing I learned is that it really really hurts when someone kicks, punches you or dislocates your elbows. You don't bounce back the way people do in the movies. Your hands hurt for days when you hit them against hard things like faces, shins and the ground.

    Why would any organization or any master want to demand an apology is such a pedestrian forum as a court of law?

     

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  50.  
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    Finally a Normal Person, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 8:06am

    you guys are freaks

    ok all u weirdos listen up! (especially that robert guy) you guys need to get a life, cuz unless any of you have actually met a ninja(which i seriously doubt you have) how would you know if they even exist let alone are "freakin awsome"? plus if you guys idolize ninjas so much shouldn't you be out there kungfu training or something instead of leaving coments on the internet?

     

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  51.  
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    Craig, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 8:19am

    Reminds me of a joke I once heard...

    Did you hear about the Zen Master that ordered a Hot Dog? He wanted the Hot Dog with everything.

     

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  52.  
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    jsnbase, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 12:02pm

    Re: Reminds me of a joke I once heard...

    Heard and ruined. They guy asks the Zen Master what he wants on his hot dog. The Zen Master replies "make me one with everything."

     

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  53.  
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    ibmihs, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 12:16pm

    This smells a whole

    lot like #chinavsjapan
    where are the OPs?

     

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  54.  
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    ibmihs, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 12:21pm

    Re: you guys are freaks

    dude. ninjas are japanese. kung fu is a chinese discipline. get it straight. next thing you'll be calling all things east asian... rugs.

     

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  55.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 2:52pm

    You guys calling Robert weird are missing the joke-

    www.RealUltimatePower.net

     

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  56.  
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    The Swiss Cheese Ninja, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 3:36pm

    Re: Re: The Swiss Cheese Monste

    I have Dust Slaying Nano-Shurikens of Doom!

     

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  57.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 3:42pm

    My 12 guage shotgun beats your karate/ninja/kung fu bullshit any day.

     

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  58.  
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    Avery Coupon, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 6:47pm

    Really, really

    Interestingly...neither show up for UFC.

    And anyway, you know that Pirates would win the UFC. You do. Really, really.

     

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  59.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 7:42pm

    ok...seriously...how the hell could anyone tell them two apart. They both look the same minus the armor and the clothes.

     

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  60.  
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    Ninja Norris, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 8:33pm

    I promise!

    I heard it was Chuck Norris!

     

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  61.  
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    Welsh Bastard, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 8:36pm

    I could bet ninjas with the deadly art of Fuk Yu, where ya just headbutt them in the face before polishing of ya pint.

     

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  62.  
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    Trevlac, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 9:07pm

    I'm a monk and I really don't care. Ninjas are just as awesome as us.

     

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  63.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 3rd, 2007 @ 9:25pm

    Don't forget the Mi Dik Ees Bigga school of fighting!

     

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  64.  
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    ButnSkala, Sep 4th, 2007 @ 1:10am

    Re: robert

    Prometheus meet Sarcasm, I see you've never met before...

     

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  65.  
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    Sanguine Dream, Sep 4th, 2007 @ 6:20am

    Hold on...

    I thought Shoalin Monks only fought when the absolutely had to like when a life (not necessarily their own) is in danger. The main purpose of their training is the discipline, focus, and meditation not the kicks, punches, and attacks right? Why should the care that someone wrote a story about them being defeated?

     

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  66.  
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    Overcast, Sep 4th, 2007 @ 6:38am

    Do you think the Ninja's will show up at court?

    What if it like turns into a Hollywood like brawl right there at the courthouse, a big showdown between the Ninjas and the Monks... Would Chuck Norris win?

     

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  67.  
    identicon
    SailorRipley, Sep 4th, 2007 @ 7:12am

    Re: Oh boy, this is going to get out of control

    oh please, Chuck can't even win from Steven Seagal

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  68.  
    identicon
    Luke, Sep 4th, 2007 @ 9:13am

    Trolls

    In all reality, the Trolls have already won. We must submit to rule by the Trolls because neither the ninjas nor the monks seem to be able to win against them as the Trolls can use the internet tubes to attack from any where at any time.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  69.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Sep 4th, 2007 @ 9:35am

    Monks!

    So forum posts are such a powerful force in the universe these days that they can anger monks? Not just a monk, but the entire order... Man! And I thought these guys were supposed to be one of the pinnacles of self-control in the world.

    Sheesh whats next, the Dalai Lama getting involved in a flame war...Or maybe a resurrected Gandi peddling a book promoting a lifestyle of gluttony, loss of civil freedoms, and proactive military force on Fox News.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  70.  
    identicon
    Ranger Norris, Sep 4th, 2007 @ 10:03am

    I am Chuck. Hear my Liger roar!

    I am Chuck Norris. I now how a Liger to help me. Together, the Liger, the other Texas Rangers and I will defeat all the monks and monkeys and rid the world of them. Then I will sell my Liger to Sigfried and Roy.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  71.  
    identicon
    anonymous, Sep 4th, 2007 @ 6:43pm

    Chuck Norris Wins

    Chuck Norris could beat all the Shaolin Monks and Ninjas combined with both his arms and legs tied behind his back.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  72.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Sep 5th, 2007 @ 9:11am

    The whole ninja beats monks is basically a shitload of some muthafuckas who watched too much ninja craps and got no respect and basic knowledge of chinese martial arts and culture. And that applies onto all of you here.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  73.  
    identicon
    Chuck Norris' Enemy (deceased), Sep 5th, 2007 @ 9:28am

    I know...from experience

    Chuck Norris beats all. I was a ninja in my first life but I lost to Chuck. I was reincarnated as a Shaolin Monk, it is quite obvious what happened. I hope next I am reincarnated as a pirate because we have not yet offended Chuck Norris. I only fear the day when they release season one of Walker, Texas Ranger and one of us decides to upload it on the internet.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  74.  
    identicon
    fred, Jun 28th, 2008 @ 10:08am

    Megaupload downloading

    Usually I use the best file searcher- http://megaupload.name/

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  75.  
    identicon
    anon, Apr 17th, 2009 @ 6:38am

    lol, you guys should calm down on the naruto

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]


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