Would that you were half as clever as you imagine yourself to be.
As it is, you're presenting yourself as a cheapskate humiliation fetishist, too tightfisted to engage the services of a professional Dominatrix to call you names, and having to resort to trolling the internet for your sexual gratification.
Soundblasters were *never* considered remotely near audiophile quality. Get a proper USB interface and be done with it. A Focusrite Scarlet 2i2 is 150 bones,has great ADACs and pre's, and the ASIO drivers are rock solid.
You can't run VSTs in Linux. This isn't something I'm making up. ProTools? Nah... that doesn't work either. ProTools hardware? No drivers. Ableton Live? Nope. There's a bodged driver for Novation Launchpads, but if Ableton won't run it's not much use, is it? The absolute best latency I've ever gotten out of the hacked together Focusrite Interface drivers is 16ms. To put that in perspective, you hear flamming at a bit over 5ms, so it's unusable.
Again, good for you for having brand loyalty... me, I just want to get shit done with a bare minimum of fucking around. Y'all can rationalize about Linux from here 'til October, but the fact remains that once you step beyond run-of-the mill office productivity and coding tasks on Linux, it shits the bed.
My paycheck involves me being able to run a bunch of software that Linux can't run, and use a bunch of hardware Linux can't support. I know it's hard to believe that computers are used for other things that what you personally use them for, but it is a thing that happens. Linux isn't ready for primetime for musicians. It just isn't.
Out of curiosity, are you usually this paranoid, or just when the utility of your pet OS is questioned.