Thief Steals Church Computer, Calls Church's Security Company So He Can Watch Porn
from the the-porn-identity dept
It’s been several weeks, so it must be time for another story of another dumb criminal. Past iterations have included murder-conspiring butt-dialers, bank robbers bragging on YouTube, and criminals taunting law enforcement on social media. However, what has been lacking in all of these stories is the real central component of the internet, that which makes it tick: porn.
We can now rectify that omission, thanks to a God-fearing parishioner from Oklahoma who stole a computer from his church and was perhaps as surprised as he was frustrated when he couldn’t watch some good old-fashioned meat-pounding on it.
An Oklahoma church employee called in a theft to cops, saying whoever stole a computer from the establishment probably attended the church or was familiar with it, because there were no signs of a break-in. He was right, but the suspect wasn’t caught while say, Googling during services. A company that had monitoring software on the computer alerted the church that someone kept trying to look up pornography on the missing computer.
Stealing a church computer to watch pornography? It’s almost enough to make one believe all is lost with the world. But never fear, this episode ends in a much more stupid fashion than suggested above. The church had a contract with an IT security firm, which monitored use of the machine and blocked inappropriate websites. Still, simply knowing what kind of porn someone is into isn’t enough to identify them (thankfully), so police weren’t able to do much with the information.
Fortunately, our idiot thief was feeling as helpful as he was horny.
Police couldn’t really make a bust until said suspect contacted the software company itself, asking it to take down the monitoring software, ostensibly because he didn’t want anyone watching while he surfed for porn. Police arrested the man, saying he denied taking the computer despite the fact that it was allegedly found in his home, but that he later confessed.
Here’s a tip for all you cathedral criminals out there: wiping a computer back to factory settings is way easier than explaining exactly how stupid you’d have to be to call the IT security company whose software is on the computer you stole just so you could wank off to material you could probably just as easily get on your phone.
Comments on “Thief Steals Church Computer, Calls Church's Security Company So He Can Watch Porn”
Surely it would have been more interesting if they “DID” disabled the monitoring, and them passed the info onto the team at Prenda.
Match made in heaven.
“Stealing a church computer to watch pornography? It’s almost enough to make one believe all is lost with the world.”
But all is lost in the world….Barak Obama is our president…
Admittedly this case is kind of funny yet sort of annoyingly sad. I’m hoping the idiot gets defrocked.
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How would a parishioner get defrocked?
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I think Wally wants to see him naked.
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“But all is lost in the world….Barak Obama is our president…”
Someone can not see the forest … and mutters something about the many trees.
Reminds me of a call I had back in my dark days of doing tech support for retail customers, albeit this was the other way round. A guy had been watching porn on his girlfriend’s laptop (98 or XP, I forget which), but he’d been silly enough to allow the usual crapware. He had toolbars, wallpapers, default homepages, you name it. He desperately wanted to get rid of all the evidence before his girlfriend got back home.
Unfortunately, it was his girlfriend’s computer from work and it was part of the domain. The crapware had somehow installed so deeply that it couldn’t be removed without domain admin privileges. So I had to inform the poor guy that the only people who could get rid of it was her work’s IT department – or a complete reinstall of Windows (which would hardly conceal the crime. I wonder how long that relationship lasted.
Moral of the story: if you really want to watch porn, you don’t know what you’re doing and it’s not you’re own computer, you’re going to have a bad time…
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Your customer should have pizza’d instead of French Fried…then he wouldn’t have been in that mess :-3
I really, really hope this guy never procreated and never will…
Fap fap fap fap fap…..amen.
This is one of those stories that makes you facepalm so hard it hurts. So now our heavenly wanker has got himself in some mundane limbo to pay for his sins. Swift Godly punishment 😉
This almost makes me want to switch religions
Perhaps to becoming a Buddhist.
From a church? That will be really hard on his reputation.
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It’s survived worse.
Porn
And they want to censor this prime criminal catching tool!
Yeah, pretty dumb.
But so is believing any of that religious nonsense.
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True belief is reflected in actions. This person’s actions would seem to indicate he doesn’t really believe the teachings of the Bible or (presumably) that church. This puts him in the camp of those who don’t “believe any of that religious nonsense”.
In other words… he’s on your side.
Re: Re: In other words... he's on your side.
Being non-religious is not synonymous with being a criminal, Buckwheat.
Re: Re: Re: In other words... he's on your side.
Whenever it seems like a christian is doing something bad.. He/she must not have been a christian because christians don’t do bad things… Convienient eh? 🙂
Re: Re: Re:2 In other words... he's on your side.
It’s the no true Scotsman fallacy. In my opinion, religious belief is so subjective and personal that the only reasonable thing to do is to take people at their word for it. If someone tells me they’re Christians/Buddhist/Pastafarian/whatever, then they are.
“so it must be time for another story of another dumb criminal”
It’s rather refreshing amongst all the stories of “too rich to jail” criminals
There's the criminally stupid
And then there’s the “Dear God you’re a moron” kind of stupid.
This guy clearly falls into the latter category.