Look, we know a couple things about all the cable news networks. First, they suck. Argue all you want for your preferred vendor of nonsense, but you’re wrong, forever and ever, amen. Second, the reason they suck is that there isn’t enough actual news to fill a twenty-four hour cycle, which is why you end up getting the exact same information fed to you from a series of barely discernible personalities (I use that term lightly) hour after mind-numbing hour. Oh, gee, I wonder if Neil Cavuto’s take on what the latest Honey Boo Boo episode has to say about the national debt fight in Egyptian-Syria will be different than Sean Hannity’s. Great. And, finally, we know that the moment any of these networks begin a story
that in any way involves video games, we should change the channel, hit the power button, or take an axe to the power outlet. Often times, it may be advisable to do all three.
So if you’re the kind of person that worries you might miss actual stories about games in the media, stop. If you need to be reminded why you should stop, just check out this wonderful exchange on CNBC, which dives into the important topic of whether or not Call of Duty will end the human race by ceasing copulation
. Seriously. We'll barely even mention that the entire premise here is that only men
play Call of Duty. While that may be the majority, the three women "debating" this act as if no woman has ever considered playing, let alone actually ever played the game. It doesn't even enter the conversation:
Let's start out with the guest host of The Kudlow Report, who lets us know that 100 million CoD players have logged over 2.85 million years in the game, while human beings have only existed for 250k years. And that statistic is vitally important because… yeah, it's not. I could go into the math and make a complicated case for why that amount of time compared with humans walking around and scratching ourselves doesn't mean anything, but if you don't know that inherently, such an analysis will only make you soil yourself, so whatever.
Chiming in on this worthless topic first is Lori Zaslow, whose qualifications include founding dating site Project Soulmate and finding herself alphabetically last in every classroom she ever attended, which, judging by her comments in the video, probably wasn’t all that many. Why is CoD a problem, oh Cupid-wizard?
“It’s easier to connect to technology than reality. It really is. You’re not going to get rejected by technology. And it’s a one on one thing, so you’re avoiding intimacy. You can be Rambo in Call of Duty, but you can’t necessarily be Rambo if you feel scrawny and insecure.”
Whoo-boy, where to start? First off, does getting my head blown off in games count as rejection? I don't know, but it might. Secondly, I wasn't aware that the Call of Duty franchise had shuttered its multiplayer functions. And before anyone starts shouting about how social interactions in multiplayer games aren't the same as IRL socializing, remember that Zaslow runs an online dating site, so lob those verbal grenades at her, too. Once you're done doing that, put in a call to your grandpa and let him know that the feminist movement of the 70's has been successfully nullified. He'll probably be happy to know that all women want these days is a slack-jawed guy with an oversized gun shooting the shit out of everything. At least, that's how I remember Rambo. I wasn't really aware that's what the ladies were looking for these days, but hey, good to know confirmed-female Zaslow. On the other hand, those 100 million CoD players you just insulted? You know, the ones that certainly aren't universally scrawny, insecure, or even male? I'm pretty sure they won't care for your gross mischaracterization.
Unfortunately, CNBC's Caroll Roth, who could have played the hero in this equation, stumbled through her own dumb offerings.
“I’m not upset at guys who play video games, I’m upset at guys who wax. Everything in moderation, including moderation.”
Er, okay. I see we're still going with the 7th century attraction standards, ladies? The waxing thing may sound funny, but turn it around and ask yourself what the reaction would be if a male guest said: "I'm not upset at women who play video games, I'm upset at women who don't shave their legs and don't have my hot meal on the table when I get home. After all, you're just women." Stupid, right? Oh, and before I forget, "everything in moderation, including moderation" is one of those phrases that could shut down your brain and cause it to reboot if you think about it too hard, so don't. Spend more than ten seconds trying to figure out how that sentence is not a complete negation of itself will put you at risk for severe head injury.
But not as much as the comments Zaslow gives when its tossed back to her with the question of whether all the technology of the modern world is making intimacy, which Rambo would call copulation, more difficult.
“I think it’s absolutely tearing people apart, because think about it. If you’re getting addicted to playing a game, you’re not engaging with people. It's definitely not like playing ping pong or pool or tennis. You're not talking when you're playing Call of Duty. Truly. You're calling into not-reality."
Actually, no, not "truly." Falsely. Because lots of people play Call of Duty while talking to others. And I'm not sure yelling "service" and grunting and swearing each time you miss the ball really counts as "talking" while playing tennis either.
The host laughs, before asking about Facebook. You know, technology.
“Facebook definitely brings people together, hence Facebook.”
I, uh…you know, no. Just no. You’re not allowed to one-eighty like that while simultaneously uttering a sentence so devoid of intelligence that it actually makes me dumber for having heard it. Instead, you’re convicted in the eyes of the Supreme Court of the Internet and sentenced to a lifetime of guest appearances on cable news networks. Because this whole conversation is stupid. Video games are just entertainment. And, like apparently every other kind of entertainment, they get maligned, lambasted, and all the other words that mean they’re attacked by those that don’t enjoy them. CoD is no more anti-social than watching television, or movies, or reading a book (Super-solitary!!! Death to books!).
Thus ends your reminder as to why you should never watch cable news, hence cable news.