Funniest/Most Insightful Comments Of The Week At Techdirt

from the comment-distancing dept

This week, both our winners on the insightful side come in response to our post about the patent troll "Labrador Diagnostics LLC" trying to block COVID-19 testing with help from the Monkey Selfie law firm. In first place, it's That One Guy summing up how most people feel:

No 'your money OR your life' but 'Your money AND their lives.'

It takes a truly special kind of scum to decide that the best time to try to shake someone down is in the middle of a medical crisis, and the best target for that is a company trying to provide tools to help in said crises.

I'd say name and shame until they slink back into the cesspits they crawled from but if this is what they consider acceptable work I can only assume that they are literally incapable of feeling shame, so instead show the world how utterly vile they are in the hopes that no-one in the future is insane enough to want to have anything to do with them.

In second place, it's an anonymous commenter suggesting what the response should be in the long term:

If this doesn't prompt a good, hard look at the patent system and patent trolling, nothing will.

For editor's choice on the insightful side, we start out with Avatar28 who had another suggestion:

Do you want your patents seized for the public good?

Cause this is how you get your patents seized for the public good.

Next, it's Andrew with a response to our post asking whether Wall Street would get in the way of Jack Dorsey's plans to make Twitter an open protocol:

The short termers

I work for a decently mid-sized cutting-edge technology company that Elliott Management owns a stake in. For years they have been trying to tell us how to run our business. That advice is 99% of the time about quarterly returns and not about long term strategic investment in growth and technology. Half of the time, it is exactly about sacrificing long term growth in the name of scooping out money now.

I can understand that shareholders have an interest in how the company is working, but... if they don't like how we're working and don't think they'll make enough money, go buy some other stock! The people who run our company are knowledgeable and passionate about our technology and where it's going. Elliott doesn't have a clue, and that doesn't seem to matter to them.

So far, our company has managed to tell them to go pound sand (ever so politely, I assume). We've been hiring as opposed to laying off, and getting our engineering groups back into fighting shape to take on our technology challenges. Let's hope that can continue.

Over on the funny side, our first place winner is JoeCool with a response to the simple question of how a valve is patented:

It has rounded corners. ;)

In second place, it's David with one more response to Labrador Diagnostics:

So what?

Look, filing a copyright suit for a monkey and filing a patent infringement lawsuit for a Labrador are not all that much different.

I'd not be surprised if they represent the trademark interests of a caterpillar. Wait, that one's taken already.

For editoir's choice on the funny side, we start out with DannyB and a suggestion about privacy and encryption:

We need government mandated ROT17.

"The government selected ROT17 because two applications of it will not revert the ciphertext back to plain text.", the senator explained.

"...and furthermore", the senator added, "we chose ROT17 because 17 is a prime number unlike 13."

And last but not least, we have one final response to the COVID-19 patent troll from an anonymous commenter:

Martin Shkreli: something something Daraprim.
Labrador Diagnostics: Hold my stool sample

That's all for this week, folks!


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  • This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 22 Mar 2020 @ 5:55pm

    inb4 useless, single-digit-IQ trolls wasting their time and ours with pointless rants completely unrelated to the post.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 22 Mar 2020 @ 8:56pm

    That “monkey selfie” law firm is Irell and manella, one of the top 2 or 3 law firms in the world, second only to my law firm, Gibson Dunn, that has both better attorneys and a better view from their lobby. One smart monkey for picking them, that’s for sure. Smarter than any of you idiots.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

    • identicon
      Nibiru, 22 Mar 2020 @ 10:13pm

      Re: monkey selfie” law firm

      one of the top 2 or 3 law firms in the world, second only to my law firm, Gibson Dunn,

      Are you sure that's not Dunning Kruger?

      reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

    • icon
      Mike Masnick (profile), 22 Mar 2020 @ 11:22pm

      Re:

      I voted this comment for funny. If you know anything about top lawfirms, you'd recognize what a joker this comment was being.

      reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

      • This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
        identicon
        Anonymous Coward, 22 Mar 2020 @ 11:56pm

        Re: Re:

        Over the last three months, Irell has secured three nine-figure jury verdicts totaling more than one billion dollars before enhancement – including the two largest patent jury awards of 2019 – and three findings of willful infringement, in addition to a U.S. Supreme Court win that struck down a U.S. Patent and Trademark Office policy. This followed a series of defense victories for high-profile clients. Read more here: https://lnkd.in/gugnpek.

        No joke. One billion dollars. You’re an idiot.

        reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

        • icon
          Stephen T. Stone (profile), 23 Mar 2020 @ 1:03am

          Irell has secured three nine-figure jury verdicts totaling more than one billion dollars before enhancement – including the two largest patent jury awards of 2019 – and three findings of willful infringement, in addition to a U.S. Supreme Court win that struck down a U.S. Patent and Trademark Office policy.

          …so what?

          reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

        • This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
          identicon
          Anonymous Coward, 23 Mar 2020 @ 1:10am

          Re: Re: Re:

          Go ahead you idiots, talk about Irell and Morgan-Chu some more. Make some more threats, like in the other article here, about shoving things in his direction.

          Morgan will chew you up and spit you out like the disgusting stinky tobacco drool you are.

          For serious. I know him. Personally. They call him the $6,000,000,000 MAN!

          NO FUCKING KIDDING! Proceed at your own risk!

          You’d have a better chance against Donald J. Trump, the magnificent. (Which is none at all, but still better.)

          Morgan! Buddy! Show ‘em! (Getting popcorn)

          reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

          • icon
            Stephen T. Stone (profile), 23 Mar 2020 @ 2:02am

            Morgan-Chu

            Is he related to Pikachu, or…?

            reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

          • identicon
            Anonymous Coward, 23 Mar 2020 @ 2:28am

            Re: Re: Re: Re:

            You knew Charles Harder, right? He did a spectacular job trying to kill this site, right?

            Oh wait -

            reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

            • This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
              identicon
              Anonymous Coward, 23 Mar 2020 @ 3:26am

              Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:

              Well, there’s a REASON that all the TRAFFIC on this site is from INDIA and PAKISTAN! Phony pony bullshit news, that’s the REAL name of Techdirt! Check it out!

              https://www.alexa.com/siteinfo/techdirt.com

              Visitors by Country
              🇮🇳 India
              41.5%
              🇺🇸 United States
              28.7%
              🇵🇰 Pakistan
              5.4%

              reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

              • icon
                That One Guy (profile), 23 Mar 2020 @ 3:33am

                Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:

                Quoting Mike Masnick from literally the article right before this one, where you tried that exact same pathetic argument:

                'Uh, yeah, you shouldn't trust Alexa for anything. That's hilarious.
                From the data I actually have.
                US 67.2%
                UK 6.7%
                Canada 4.4%
                India 2.8%
                Australia 2.2%
                You do you though.'

                reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

                • icon
                  Mike Masnick (profile), 23 Mar 2020 @ 9:42am

                  Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:

                  I'm still so confused about the Alexa stats. The only thing I can figure: the only people left in the world who still use Alexa are mostly based in India and Pakistan.

                  reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

              • icon
                Stephen T. Stone (profile), 23 Mar 2020 @ 3:50am

                When you make posts like this, it only highlights how pathetic you are. Only a troll whose sole reason for trolling is attention they can’t otherwise get in the real world — or someone paid to act like such a troll, which would be even more pathetic — would continue to visit a site they claim they hate. I mean, think about the enormous emotional and social dysfunction that must be required for doing something you hate as if it’s something you love. Your life seems to have reached a point where you’re trolling Techdirt because getting attention like my reply is the only thing that makes you feel anything any more.

                Shit, I’m an emotionally dysfunctional trainwreck, but I don’t visit Fox News or Breitbart as a result. If I can be fucked up and still (mostly) avoid hatesurfing the web, how much more damaged than me are you?

                reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

                • This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
                  identicon
                  Anonymous Coward, 23 Mar 2020 @ 4:02am

                  Re:

                  It’s the Hamilton curse. Never allow a slight go unanswered. Boom! That’s how Alexander died. I think Trump’s actually a Hamilton too.

                  You, however, are only a minor pathetic imbecile on this phony pony stage of history.

                  And it is history.

                  The future remains bright for Hamilton’s, Trumps, and Chu’s.

                  You, like Mike, are already zombies. America has washed it’s hands of the infection you represent.

                  Enjoy your trip into the infected and isolated sewer that you belong in.

                  Eat shit, Stephen.

                  reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • identicon
    J.D., 23 Mar 2020 @ 3:54am

    German Constitutional Court Strikes Down EU Patent Court

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]

  • icon
    Uriel-238 (profile), 23 Mar 2020 @ 11:08am

    Rounded Corners

    I'm pretty sure rounded bits (things without square edges) are something invented for NASA (and now public domain) to help make sure things didn't get snagged (specifically, environmental space suits)

    If you want a design you can patent, try barbed spikey corners.

    reply to this | link to this | view in chronology ]


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