Funniest/Most Insightful Comments Of The Week At Techdirt
from the commentathon dept
This week, our first place winner on the insightful side is David, taking a moment to process one particular comment from the Michigan State Police who were taking well-deserved flak on Twitter for bragging about stealing $40,000 from a driver:
?We develop probable cause in order to seize money,? he said
That’s sort of blunt. I had to read that several times. No shit.
In second place, we’ve got Stephen T. Stone replying to one commenter who defended Trump’s lawsuits against his media enemies by saying that news outlets keep calling him “gross and malicious names”:
Which names, specifically, aren?t at least partially accurate, given his history of?
- bankruptcies
- failed businesses
- extramarital affairs
- support for ?birtherism?
- racist rhetoric
- sexist rhetoric
- xenophobic rhetoric
- anti-queer policy positions
- insulting invective aimed at his enemies
- trying to have his enemies investigated and possibly jailed
- obstructing federal investigations
?on top of the accusations of sexual assault/misconduct levied at him, including a withdrawn (but still believable) accusation that he raped one of his wives and his own comments about grabbing women by their genitals without explicit permission?
For editor’s choice on the insightful side, we start out with That One Guy and another comment about the Michigan State Police:
‘Look at what we got from our latest robbery!’
Dumb criminals end up in cells.
Smart criminals end up in law enforcement.
Had someone without a badge robbed someone of tens of thousands of dollars, took pictures and then posted both pictures and an admission of guilt to social media it would be the easiest armed robbery case ever, however because the robbers in question have badges this time I imagine it will result in a slap on the wrists at worst, thanks to screwed up laws and spineless judges.
It really shows just how corrupt and out of touch police can be when bragging about robbing an innocent person is something that didn’t immediately get shot down as an incredibly stupid idea.
Next, we’ve got virusdetected with an excellent comment about patents:
The problem with the patent system is…
That it’s never obvious what a patent actually covers and there are a huge number of patents that can readily be reinterpreted to cover an idea never specifically mentioned. The U.S. Patent Office has been incompetent for decades, regularly allowing patents on the obvious, on mathematical tautologies, and on ideas that are total nonsense. It is almost impossible to write a computer program that doesn’t trample on someone’s copyright or patent, but there’s no way the programmer can find that out. I learned this long ago, when I wrote a program for a character-based display. To identify the cursor position, the program logic applied an exclusive OR (XOR) to the bits under the cursor. XOR simply reverses all the bits, which results in highlighting the character on a screen; another XOR reverses the operation. This is a property of the definition of XOR, which has been part of basic logic “forever.” However, there’s a patent on using it to flip the bits to make a cursor. Huh? Worse, it’s a hardware patent, even though the implementation is in software.
That comment came in response to our post about a former refrigerator manufacturer that is trying to use patents to extract payments from companies using open-source, royalty-free video format — which is also the source of our first place winner on the funny side. LorgSkyegon swooped in with an early response:
I definitely think this refrigerator company
is going to chill the use of this new system
In second place on the funny side, it’s That One Guy responding to a commenter who noted that Fox News might not be so easily accused of acting like state media when a Democrat is in power:
Nonsense, I’m sure they will be just as supportive of a democrat president and would never sink to petty things like, oh I dunno, act like the color of the suit the president wears is a huge deal, especially after the silk glove treatment they’ve given Trump.
For editor’s choice on the funny side, we’ve got two more responses to the police in Michigan. First up, it’s an anonymous commenter trying to get their head around one of the most questionable arguments against needing to actually prosecute people in order to take their stuff:
“claiming having to prosecute drug dealers would result in fewer drug dealers being prosecuted.”
If we prosecute more of them, fewer of them will be prosecuted, QED.
And finally, it’s wshuff digging further into the statement that was the subject of the first place insightful comment:
“We develop probably cause I order to seize money.” So if it takes probable cause to seize money, and we seized money, it follows that there must have been probable cause. And if a woman weighs the same as a duck, she’s a witch.
That’s all for this week, folks!
Comments on “Funniest/Most Insightful Comments Of The Week At Techdirt”
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Is everyone as inspired as I am by the timely, forceful, courageous and insightful response by our duly elected president the this global emergency? While the Democrats want to open our borders, give away our health care, and tax healthy Americans to death, our noble Republicans have seized the initiative and will teach the world about health and well being. God Bless American Republicans.
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Right, courageous and insightful response. You mean like when Trump insisted that the virus was a Democrat conspiracy?
Nice try, Hamilton.
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Now is the time to realize that we are all on the same team. Get over your trump derangement syndrome and focus on pulling together as Americans and supporting our families and each other. We are the strongest, smartest and most successful country in history. God Bless America.
And Fuck the rest of you globalist communist assholes. We Americans are going to wash our hands of all of you lying lawless idiots.
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And yet, the United States can neither provide enough testing kits for hospitals around the country nor guarantee that everyone who gets the virus can even be treated in any capacity (or, at least, be treated without being bankrupted into homelessness). The U.S. has people “defying” the virus by refusing to practice social distancing, as if the virus is a terrorist that can be defeated by showing high morale or some shit. Our president put in charge of the coronavirus response team a man whose actions as governor led to the worst outbreak of HIV in the history of Indiana. For fuck’s sake, the New York Times profiled two guys who bought up basically every bottle of hand sanitizer within driving distance of their home and tried to sell it for obscene prices on Amazon.
I say this as a citizen of the United States of America: This country is exceptional in the worst possible sense. The president proclaims it to be “the best country in the world”, yet does nothing to fix flaws such as a healthcare system that can bankrupt people for daring to see a doctor when they’re sick and a minimum wage that hasn’t increased to match the cost of living. America is a country full of incredible wealth and success…so long as you’re already wealthy and successful, anyway. Everyone else is on their own. The American motto isn’t “In God We Trust” or “E Pluribus Unum” — it’s “Fuck You, Got Mine”.
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Yeah we get it. You’re both lazy and incompetent, and want free government handouts. Don’t worry snowflake. Your betters will provide care even for schmucks like you. You want better care? Get a job and contribute to society instead of focusing on your socialist ideology. It’s a sickness of its own.
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Yeah we get it. You’re both lazy and incompetent, and want free government handouts. Don’t worry snowflake. Your betters will provide care even for schmucks like you. You want better care? Get a job and contribute to society instead of focusing on your socialist ideology. It’s a sickness of its own.
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But Hamilton, I’m not a billionaire CEO who keeps receiving tax cuts and makes more money in a day than most people will make in their lifetimes for doing not nearly the kind of work that people who work in, say, retail do to keep society moving.
Then how come Elon Musk hasn’t paid off my medical debt? ????
Fascinating: You believe someone deserves to die from a lack of access to proper healthcare if they don’t have a job.
Hey, you know all those news stories in the U.S. about store shelves being emptied and people hoarding toilet paper and whatnot? That ain’t socialism that’s happening under, champ…
…that’s capitalism.
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People from "the best country" wouldn’t need to be shouting that constantly.
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Well, it is a country where media coverage makes for a considerable part of wielding influence.
In other words, the U.S. is a shout-hole country.
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The President isn’t focused on pulling together, he’s focused on pissing and moaning about how the situation is not as bad as the filthy socialists and libs and Democrats claim it is. I’m surrounded by loons like you who can’t think past the idea of not having Donald in the White House for another four years. Pull together? You jokers can’t even pull a straw out of a goddamn sippie cup.
The rest of the world is chugging along fine, thanks, because they’re not spending time accusing China or the US or whatever country of inventing the virus to kill off another country or age group. The funny thing is, the virus does hit the boomer generation the hardest, meaning that the same people gloating with Trump that the virus won’t be a threat are the people who are more likely to be adversely affected.
Now I don’t wish death on anyone to make a point, Hamilton, but your team is the side that’s desperately trying to qualify for the Darwin Awards, so it’s in the best interest for people in general to be wary of your approach to things. Stephen’s already put up a long list of how your team leader done fucked up and got himself as exposed as he could to the virus. I sure as fuck would not want to be next to someone who would eagerly deep-throat Trump the way you do for transmission-prevention reasons.
Also – you want to know who’s being held up as a beacon for the world to follow? Singapore, off the top of my head. Which hasn’t been Communist for… ever, in fact. So you know what, the rest of the world will be fine. You get the fun job of burying the dead. "At least we owned the dems!"
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Hollywood shut down? Check. Academia shut down? Check. NBA shut down? Check. Borders closed? Check. Media going bananas? Check. Joy Bahar at home and not on the air. Check.
A new social order is coming. Healthy, happy, nationalistic Americans are taking over the country.
Priceless. Destiny. The hand of god. Amen.
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And those are not going to be the ones coming from Mar-a-Lago, genius.
Incidentally I like how this response has an earlier timestamp but appeared later, which means Hamilton managed to trip the spam filter with his Shiva cocksucking. Good on you, dumbass!
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Have fun at the White nationalist marches, then! ????
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One note: procreating disqualifies from Darwin Awards. Having offspring means one’s genes haven’t been eliminated from the gene pool, no matter how spectacularly and idiotically self-destructive one acts after that. Sadly, this means most of his team can’t win the Award (well, the anti-vaxxers still could, I guess).
Not Communist, but quite authoritarian — not that Trumpistas have a problem with that… A better example may be Taiwan, which is also pretty high on that list, and not only are they democratic, but "not being Communist" is kind of their main defining attribute.
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Says a lot when even other non-American authoritarians are doing the authoritarianism thing leagues better than the fucking wannabes.
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To be fair, the kind of people who are “defying” the virus by going out to public gatherings or licking doorknobs or whatever have a good chance of spreading the virus to their families. If the whole family dies, do they get a group Darwin, or is it given to the Patient Zero of the family? ????
(I’m aware that joke is in poor taste. But taking pride in being a disease vector is in poor taste, too, so I think it evens out.)
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In this hypothetical, the other members of the family are innocent victims, and the Patient Zero is the one who’s stupidity doomed them all. Therefore, I’d say only the Zero counts.
Of course, this particular virus’ deadliness is very much age-dependent, so the offspring should be fine even if the doorknob-licker manages to infect them (unless they’re also anti-vaxxers, I guess, though in that case it was only a matter of time anyway ¯(ツ)/¯).
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"We are the strongest, smartest and most successful country in history"
In history? The ancient Greeks, the Romans, the Ottomans, the British, the Spanish and others would probably have good reason to argue that point.
Typically insular and close-minded comment.
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Actually, the Romans with their copy-cat Greek culture and their way of dealing with Phoenician’s cultural and trade superiority by razing Carthage (and in a cultural succession of history, ransacking Byzantinium) is sort of a model for the U.S. Including being on a good road towards eventually rendering themselves impotent but well-respected. Though the well-respected bit is coming under fire.
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Now now, it’s not nice to rebut the hypocritical troll with little things like ‘facts’, just flag them and let them have fun in the fictional world they live in.
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Project much?
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Yes, you do.
Re:
Remind me, who was it that got rid of the U.S. Pandemic Response Team back in 2018? Oh, right: Donald Trump got rid of the U.S. Pandemic Response Team back in 2018.
And who was it that said, just two months ago, that “it will all work out well”? Oh, right: Donald Trump said “it will all work out well” two months ago.
And who was it that said “when you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero” on February 26th? Oh, right: Donald Trump said “when you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero” on February 26th.
And who was it that the sitting President of the United States put in charge of the coronavirus response team? Oh, right: An anti-science religious homophobe whose actions as governor of Indiana led to that state’s worst outbreak of HIV ever instead of an actual scientist with actual experience in dealing with diseases.
And who was sitting in the White House when the stock market had its worst day since the infamous “Black Monday”? Oh, right: Donald Trump was sitting in the White House when the stock market had its worst day since “Black Monday”.
And who was it that called criticism to his administration’s response of the coronavirus the “new hoax” from the Democrats? Oh, right: Donald Trump called criticism to his administration’s response of the coronavirus the “new hoax” from the Democrats.
And who was it that shook hands with Matt Schlapp, who shook the hand of someone who tested positive for coronavirus? Oh, right: Donald Trump shook hands with Matt Schlapp, who shook the hand of someone who tested positive for coronavirus.
And who was it that, even after learning about his two degrees of separation from someone who tested positive for coronavirus, spent time with guests at Mar-a-Lago, some of whom later tested positive for coronavirus? Oh, right: Donald Trump spent time with guests at Mar-a-Lago, some of whom later tested positive for coronavirus, even after learning about his two degrees of separation from someone who tested positive for coronavirus.
And who was it that called for a National Day of Prayer, ostensibly to appease his Christian evangelical voter base, instead of urging people to practice social distancing so they won’t spread the coronavirus? Oh, right: Donald Trump called for a National Day of Prayer instead of urging people to practice social distancing.
…y’know, I’m sure other people have more criticisms they can lob at Trump and other people in his administration, but if’n you ask me, this list is a good start.
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Triggered much?
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No, I’m not. I don’t have PTSD.
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Gotta say, when you decide to eviscerate the trolls you do not half-ass it, that is some serious dedication to showing just how laughably wrong their latest assertions are.
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Can you spell “echo chamber” with your eyes closed?
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You’ve got an echo chamber to yourself, Hamilton. It’s got the White House. Just go back to blaming the Freemasons while the rest of us actually invest in proper scanning technology and social distancing.
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He really doesn’t. It’s why writing Under the Bridge reports is enjoyable. You get to see Stephen tear Hamilton a new one. Stephen and your opinions on the reports themselves notwithstanding.
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Re: Re: Sorry, son, ya overdid it.
There’s a lot you can blame trump for, but there’s also a lot you can’t.
Donald Trump saying "it will all work out well"? Didn’t some other famous politician once say, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself"? Did that other guy have precognition? Perhaps supernatural wisdom granted by god?
Stock market and "Black Monday"… I would ask "which one", except that it is irrelevant: The president has undue influence on the stock market sure, but he doesn’t have a lever that, if leaned upon, sends the stock market into the tank with the sharks. Give him his due responsibility – and nothing more.
Shaking hands with someone who later tests positive for <name that problem>? As if people come with labels? The worst you can say is "he took a risk" that the person he shook hands with was one of the 0.001% of the population that had that one disease at that point in time. Multiply that by the number of different contagious diseases out there, and you’ll see he did not measurably increase his risks overall. (It’s a wonder anyone ever shakes hands, right?)
You’ll note I did not attempt to counter all of your points. There’s a reason for that. So yeah, criticize Trump all you like. Just don’t get carried away, ‘k?
Re: Re: Re: Sorry, son, ya overdid it.
No.
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And that politician was encouraging people not to panic. Donald Trump has done more to make people panic than to keep them from being panicked.
And yet, I can say with accuracy that Donald Trump and his administration’s (lack of) response to the coronavirus is one of the primary factors in how bad the stock market dropped on both “Black Monday” and “Black Thursday”.
And by doing so, he became a potential disease vector who then went on to a not-zero number of other public gatherings (including spending time with guests at Mar-a-Lago). Were he carrying the virus, he could have infected any number of people by being in close contact with them. That behavior is reckless and selfish — and it stands as further proof that Trump and his administration believe themselves to be so correct in everything that they don’t need things like “scientists” and “experts in disease control” to “win” a “war” against an invisible “enemy” that doesn’t give a flying rat’s ass about whether someone is rich or poor, Christian or atheist, or even liberal or conservative.
It’s a wonder that we do a lot of things. The pandemic is doing a hell of a job in helping us reëxamine the things we do, why we do them, and what alternatives there are. Personally, I like the idea of the Vulcan salute replacing handshakes. ????
I’ll criticize him to whatever degree I deem appropriate, regardless of how that makes you feel. Why? Because facts don’t care about your feelings.
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Oh, and one more thing: I’m criticizing Trump with such fervor and determination because Trump himself felt it necessary to do the same for Barack Obama. (Hell, Trump is still blaming Obama for stuff that is happening under the Trump administration, even when Obama had nothing to do with it.) If Donald Trump once believed the president should take the blame for anything awful that happened in the United States, he shouldn’t be surprised when people decide to give him the same treatment.
And besides, the only reason Trump blames Obama for everything is because Obama is a Black man and Trump’s largely White voting base is racist as fuck. Something goes right? The White guy gets the credit, even if he had nothing to do with it. Something goes wrong? The Black guy gets the blame, even if he had nothing to do with it. And given Donald Trump’s pre-presidency support for the “birther” movement, trying to say his blaming of Obama is anything but racist will only make the person saying that look ignorant of the obvious.
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While I enjoy the Vulcan salute (and its earthly origins in the Jewish priests, the Kohanim), it can be hard to do. Which is why I’ve advocated instead that people bow like the Japanese do.
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[Asserts facts not in evidence]
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Was that hard to say with Trump’s cock in your mouth?
There was nothing timely about Trump’s multiple fumbled addresses on the topic (the virus is already here). "Forceful"? Hardly. And "courageous and insightful"? You have to be joking. He’s only following the lead of other nations and his own advisors while somehow managing to screw that up. For example, stating that all flights from Europe, cargo included, would be halted thus panicking the markets unnecessarily, when what he was supposed to say (read: told to say) was that cargo and Americans could still enter the US but non-Americans were banned. The man is an idiot.
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