The NSA Is Dianne Feinstein's And Mike Rogers' Abusive, Cheating Spouse

from the you'd-think-the-head-of-an-intelligence-committee-would-know-how-to-quit-som dept

The leak-and-response cycle of the past couple months has been highly entertaining and the pattern is nearly always the same.
  1. Leak reveals evidence of NSA overreach or wrongdoing.
  2. NSA issues statement explaining how leak is being misinterpreted or is an aberration.
  3. NSA attends hearings and issues statements declaring it doesn't abuse its power. (Frequently qualified with "not under this program.")
  4. New leak reveals evidence of NSA overreach or wrongdoing, proving NSA's most recent statements were pretty much "incomplete lies" or "least untruthful" answers.
  5. Repeat.

The most remarkable aspect of this cycle is the unwavering support Mike Rogers and Dianne Feinstein continue to provide the agency. No matter how damaging the leak or how egregious the lies, Rogers and Feinstein stand by their beloved NSA like severely co-dependent spouses, firmly believing against all available evidence that the most recently disclosed act of malfeasance will be the NSA's last.

If it weren't so sad, it would be almost comical. (Granted, it is a little comical, in part because it's so sad.)

It all began back with the first leak -- the order demanding Verizon cough up metadata on millions of customers. The response from Dianne Feinstein?

"I knew -- hell, EVERYONE knew -- about the NSA's shady past when I hooked up with it. Why's everyone so outraged?"
A few days later, Feinstein (and others) attempted to justify PRISM's collection efforts by claiming it had prevented the NYC subway bombing, when actual, non-defensively-deployed evidence suggested otherwise.
"Look, the NSA has had an 'interesting' life, but it's also theoretically done good things."
It all came to a head a little over a week ago. Feinstein, standing by her man agency, boldly declared there was no evidence the NSA had abused its powers. This was followed almost immediately by the release of information indicating the NSA had abused its power. Repeatedly.

Even this failed to diminish Feinstein's devotion. Her response?
"Sure, the agency cheated, but it was, like, once a year."
NSA: "Um, don't be mad, but it was slightly more than that. But these thousands of violations meant nothing to us, baby! You gotta believe that!"
Actually, it was way more than "slightly more," and even Feinstein seems to be a bit nonplussed (or at least quieter), glaring as the agency explained further:
"Cheating over 2,000 times may LOOK bad, but you're not taking into account those millions of times we didn't! Perspective. That's the key."
Mike Rogers' relationship with the agency seems just as needy, but his reactions are uglier. Rogers doesn't rely on swiftly debunked denials. Instead, Rogers believes the real problem is everyone else -- all these jealous haters who have it in for the agency.

At first, it was just other pesky Congress members looking for details on the NSA. None of their business. This isn't their battle. Rogers is the one in the relationship and if there's anyone who should be worried, it's Rogers. And he's not worried.

But we're worried, Mike, they'd say. Let us in. Let us know what's going on. No deal. Then, finally, something emerges.
"Leave it alone! It needs its freedom! If it doesn't have that, then it can't be the agency it wants to. You hurt not just me and the agency, but all of us when you question its actions. Stop driving us apart!"
But we don't think it should be acting this way, they say. This isn't how a helpful agency acts. This is how an abusive agency acts.
"Shut up. You're all jealous. Just a bunch of social media know-nothings and internet freaks. You have no idea how complex the situation really is."
And as the evidence of wrongdoing continues to pile up, Rogers not only covers his own ears and shouts nonsensical syllables over the concerned crowd, but covers the ears of the crowd as well.

The deep-seated denial continues despite thousands of violations being uncovered. Rogers may be hurt but he's not willing to kick his faithless agency to the curb. He's almost vanished completely, off composing justifications that restore the agency's trustworthiness.

If nothing else, he rationalizes, the agency has just maybe prevented a bad thing or two from happening. Surely that's enough to excuse its egregious abuse of the nation's trust? Besides, it's not as if you can trust the opinion of shut-ins and Facebook users. They don't know what it's like out there in the real world, where everything is a big gray area.

Relationships are never simple, especially for those on the inside. Feinstein and Rogers have both had their trust abused greatly by an agency they seem to worship, and that can't feel good. Unfortunately, they seem unable (or unwilling) to make a clean break, which makes one wonder exactly what it would take to separate them from the NSA, and how unfortunate that revelation would be for the citizens they're supposed to be representing.


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  1. identicon
    Anonymous Coward, 28 Aug 2013 @ 9:36am

    Re:

    An alternate theory is that the NSA has them by the balls. (Choose analogy as appropriate for gender, culture, etc.)

    After all, their allegedly private information is just as susceptible to being vacuumed up as ours. Don't you think that somewhere inside the NSA there's a unit specifically tasked with finding dirt on politicians, judges, corporate officers, civic leaders, etc.?

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