The NSA Is Hiring! And Following A Pittsburgh Car Dealership On Its Twitter Account?

from the i'll-make-every-effort-to-read-too-much-into-this dept

The hiring team for the NSA doesn't have it easy these days. Their advance scouts got absolutely slammed by some college students during a meet-and-greet at a Wisconsin university. And just recently, the agency cut a ton of potential Snowdens loose by unceremoniously announcing plans to fire 90% of its systems administrators. With the agency swiftly being voted "least popular" by many Americans (and around the world), the HR division has its hands full keeping the agency staffed.

Fortunately (and somewhat bizarrely) the NSA's hiring arm has a Twitter account, NSACareers. This account tweets new job listings and pro-NSA news into the void, gathering more derision than potential hires in its pursuit of people skilled in the art of data wrangling but completely devoid of a conscience or soul.

Here's one of the many tweets, this one looking for someone whose skills fit the NSA's entirely made-up word.


Could this be you? Are you the sort of "informaticist" who can swiftly extract needles from haystacks to help prevent the next terrorist attack? Failing that, can you swiftly extract victory from the jaws of defeat and say, "Tough luck on the recent bombing, but we'll get the next one, I promise?" If so, your country needs your informaticizing skills NOW.

Now, government Twitter accounts tend to "follow" other government accounts and the occasional news source, but the NSACareers account sports a very strange list of "Follows." It follows only eight accounts, three of them being variations on Mashable (SocialMedia, Mobile and Tech). It also follows Carnegie Mellon, the Pittsburgh Tech Council, Michigan Engineering and the Society of Women Engineers. As a tech-heavy agency, following engineering accounts makes a bit of sense, although these seem oddly location-specific.

But by far the strangest "follow" is the top one on the list: #1 Cochran.


Yes, the NSA HR Twitter account follows a Pittsburgh car dealership, an account that only has 289 followers. Conspiracy theorists better than I can probably come up with a connection, but here goes nothing. (Read breathlessly fast for best results.)

Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran skipped the pre-Father's Day NSA briefing along with several other senators. Why? Because he ALREADY KNEW all about the NSA's inner workings. Cochran had an inside track. Problem is, Cochran is from Mississippi and is likely not connected at all to the Cochran car dealership.

On the other hand, Denny Scalese, former employee of #1 Cochran, resides in the Pittsburgh area and currently works for The Advantage Group, a "risk management company" comprised of former employees from the "CIA, FBI, SEC, ATF, NSA, and Special Forces."

The Advantage Group is nothing more than a glorified collections agency, but they are "very high tech," high tech enough to take advantage of its connected founders and their links to intelligence agencies. No one has more data on Americans than these intelligence agencies and bill collectors would be ecstatic to have this information to aid in their recovery efforts.

Pulling the tangled strings for both ends [dramatic pause, before resuming breathless reading] Scalese's connection with the dealership gives The Advantage Group plenty of collectable accounts to work with. Because it's a "team effort," someone inside the NSA who still talks to former employees throws the dealership a "follow" in hopes of something synergistic happening.

Pulling the strings even harder gets you... nothing. The person running the account is probably from the Pittsburgh area and clicked "follow" on a fairly innocuous account as sort of a show of hometown solidarity. Or just to screw with amateur conspiracy theorists.



Reader Comments (rss)

(Flattened / Threaded)

  1.  
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    Ninja (profile), Aug 14th, 2013 @ 3:52am

    Easy

    Conspiracy theorists better than I can probably come up with a connection, but here goes nothing.

    Utah is just a facade. The true location of their Motherfucking Espionage Center (hereby dubbed MEC) is actually being built in Pittsburgh. It takes incredibly talented informacists to see through their stunt and hand in their curriculum directly to the NSA (you know, they don't accept e-mails as they may be wiretapped, no snail mails and pigeons either as they can be intercepted and encrypted smoke signals can be cracked).

    Oh crap, I leaked their secret. See you in Moscow airport.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  2.  
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    Niall (profile), Aug 14th, 2013 @ 6:14am

    Shouldn't that third sentence be "Here's one of the many tweets, this one looking for someone whose skills fit the NSA's entirely made-up world"?

     

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  3.  
    identicon
    The Real Michael, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 6:16am

    It's possible they're being intentionally misleading. Then again, don't expect huge neon signs pointing at whatever they don't want you to know.

    I can't imagine they'd find it easy to hire people given their extreme level of paranoia about defecting co-workers coupled with the lack of trust by Americans in general. "Don't be stupid, be a smarty! Come and join the Nazi party!"

     

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  4.  
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    Niall (profile), Aug 14th, 2013 @ 6:16am

    Re: Easy

    I reckon the rest of the world just needs to use a football code. Given the lack of ability of Americans to appreciate 'real' football, we'll have them running round in circles. And Europe and South America will be laughing...

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  5.  
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    Nicholas Orr (profile), Aug 14th, 2013 @ 6:16am

    I'll work for them...

    I pretty handy with a computer and administering Active Directory ;)

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  6. This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
     
    identicon
    out_of_the_blue, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 6:16am

    SHEER NOISE. -- Don't you guys have an editor?

    "Pulling the strings even harder gets you... nothing." - YEAH, as a skim reveals. Question is why YOU write about nothing?

    You minions are competing for least important topic: this one handily drops under last night's limited number of plays on a Nintendo demo because purports to be substantive then ends in "... nothing."

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  7. This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
     
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 6:37am

    Re: SHEER NOISE. -- Don't you guys have an editor?

    Hooray, read it before it was censored.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  8.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 6:42am

    Re: SHEER NOISE. -- Don't you guys have an editor?

    You won your first award for most pointless post long ago but have managed to maintain your title in every topic you post in.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  9.  
    icon
    Akari Mizunashi (profile), Aug 14th, 2013 @ 6:47am

    Well, this is certainly a bummer. I just got my rejection letter.

    "To [Redacted],

    We regret to inform you our decision for your employment has been refused on the following ground:
    -You are too eager to share information of illegal activity with the press and public.

    -You are too familiar with computer systems and security protocols.

    -You don't surf pornography on government computers.

    -You are too reasonable with cost expense, looking for better deals rather than above beyond market price.

    -You still believe this country believes in the Constitution of the United States and, more distressing, believe "We The People" carries weight.

    -You won't engage in sexual misconduct.

    -You like Senator Wyden, and hope he runs for president in 2016.


    In summary, you are overqualified for the position. If you believe a candidate can better fit the role of an NSA agent, please have them contact us.

    Sincerely,
    [Redacted]


    I sent them the phone number to the Indianapolis Zoo, with instructions to contact the monkey exhibit. That's as best as I can do, with this depressing news.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  10.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 7:10am

    Re: SHEER NOISE. -- Don't you guys have an editor?

    You must be real fun at parties.

    "Why even bother having fun or this small talk malarkey, the heat death of the universe will end civilization!"

     

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  11.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 7:20am

    Re: I'll work for them...

    You dirty hacker.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  12.  
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    Drew, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 7:29am

    Fuck that shit.

    I'd work for Kim Jong-un over the NSA.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  13.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 8:42am

    Re: SHEER NOISE. -- Don't you guys have an editor?

    Yeah, out_of_the_asscrack. Question is why do you write about nothing?

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  14.  
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    McCrea (profile), Aug 14th, 2013 @ 10:04am

    Interview questions

    Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

    I play by the book, so either GTMO or SVO.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  15.  
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    John Fenderson (profile), Aug 14th, 2013 @ 10:17am

    Re: Re: Easy

    Not so much anymore. In my town (which is a college football (US) crazy town) there are more students who are on soccer teams than football teams by a longshot. Almost every parent is very familiar with soccer. Including the fact that everyone else calls it football.

     

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  16.  
    identicon
    JB Smith, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 10:55am

    The Newport News Police and the Virginia State Police have installed yagi-uda laser antennas. These antennas log every computer key stroke every citizen makes. It also enables them to hack into the wireless router in your electric meter, burglar alarm or television set. This enables them to see you in the privacy of your own home. In addition, they have hand held terahertz scanners that enable them to see through your clothes. One Newport News Officer was caught talking about "fat chicks" at the local college over the police radio per the Daily Press. Surveillance issues are not just with the NSA. It’s with all of law enforcement. They plan to make this ubiquitous surveillance so prevalent before anyone knows it exists. Go to digitalbarriers.com or read Safeguards in a World of Ambient Intelligence by Springer. You'll be surprised out just how much they can do now.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  17.  
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    Capitalist Lion Tamer (profile), Aug 14th, 2013 @ 12:13pm

    Re: Re: Easy

    Given the lack of ability of Americans to appreciate 'real' football, we'll have them running round in circles.

    You've been reported to the House Committee on Un-American Football. Real football is played using mainly the hands, hence the name. Better shape up, foreigner, or you'll be spied on even harder!

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  18.  
    identicon
    Anonymous, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 5:05pm

    Re:

    Party? Did someone say PARTY!!!!

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  19.  
    identicon
    Anonymous, Aug 14th, 2013 @ 5:09pm

    Re:

    As long as they keep us safe from the reptilians and chupacabras...

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  20.  
    identicon
    #1 Cochran Automotive Group, Aug 15th, 2013 @ 11:33am

    We're "followed" by the NSA! Yikes.

    Whoa. Maybe we should have reworded our tweet about this year’s Presidents’ Day Sale being “the bomb.” (Just kidding.)

    All jokes aside, it wouldn’t surprise us if the NSA – or any other organization – would try to lure away our team members. They are our most valued asset and key to our company’s success. We hire the best and brightest from all walks of life, which is why we work hard at keeping them happy and have subsequently been named one of the top places to work in Pittsburgh for the last two years. :)

    - #1 Cochran Automotive Group

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]


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