America: The Safest Country On Earth!

Say That Again

from the liberty-through-security dept

The United States is officially the Safest Country on Earth. Surveillance = safety, we’ve been told and, quite frankly, no other country feels as safe and secure as America does right now.

We’ve worked hard to achieve this status, but a half-century of increasing domestic surveillance has finally paid off. This past decade’s unprecedented surveillance escalation pushed us over the top. It was difficult and it didn’t make everyone happy, but no one can argue with the end result: Safest in the World!

But we don’t want the rest of the world to feel this near-invulnerability is unachievable. There are many perfectly acceptable countries out there, some we call allies, some we call lifelong rivals, and some, like Russia, that we’re not really sure what to call. Occasionally friendly rival? That girlfriend you keep going back to, thinking this time it will be different, but it never is?

We want all of these countries, especially our allies, to feel as safe as we do. If there’s one thing we want, it’s to spread the American way of life around the world. McDonald’s! Coca-Cola! Eurodisney! David Hasselhoff! We’re all of these things and so much more!

Right now, we have more safety than we can use and we’re willing to share that surplus by setting up our (proudly made in the USA) surveillance safety net in your country. Best of all, you’ll hardly know we’re there. If you’d like, we can also work with you to set up your own homeland security system for a modest contingency fee (40% of data harvested [negotiable] {upwards}).

Just a cautionary note: you may notice that your citizens are not accustomed to being 100% safe, so it’s not unusual to expect something akin to an allergic reaction or a donor rejecting an organ, only with more pithily worded signage and the occasional overturned police car. Don’t be alarmed. With the proper amount of time and escalating obfuscation, your country should return to normal over the next 6 months – 10 years.

Also be aware that your newly-installed safety may provoke jealous reactions from neighboring countries, especially if they haven’t yet experienced this sort of omnipresent security. They may become diplomatically abusive or threaten to tear up trade agreements. Again, this is perfectly normal. Just remember this: they hate you (and us) for our safety.

Here in the US, we have been fortunate to achieve ultimate safety via ultimate surveillance. Our all-encompassing data harvesting has created a virtual protective dome over our great nation. No longer do we fear the threat of terrorism. In fact, we welcome it! Many of our nation’s politically and tactically important structures have had major facelifts in the form of large painted targets on all exterior surfaces, along with the phrase “Bring it!”

The administration, along with officials from various security agencies, have said there is no perfect balance between safety and privacy. We’d like to think there is — 100% of your privacy in exchange for 100% safety. Some very recent setbacks have kept us from reaching this goal, but we will continue to work tirelessly towards it.

The United States: land of the safe, home of the Whopper.

Parlez vous Spanish?

Interesado en la seguridad de su propio país? Por favor, envíe $ 29.95M (USD) a:

9800 Salvaje Rd
Fort Meade, MD 20755

Su paquete introductoria incluye más de 400.000 líneas de teléfono pre-roscados, junto con una de una variedad de datos de usuario completamente de búsqueda a partir de una variedad de servicios de Internet, como Facebook, Google, Yahoo! y Bing! Cada paquete garantizado para contener por lo menos una (1) cuenta comprometida premium aleatoriamente insertado, tirado entre una selección de jefes de Estado vecinos! Actúe ahora! Los suministros son limitados a varios por selección clasificada.

Sprechen sie Occupied Territory?

Intéressé à la sécurisation de votre propre pays? S’il vous plaît envoyez 29.95M $ (USD) à:

9800 Savage Rd
Fort Meade, MD 20755

Votre paquet d’introduction comprend plus de 400.000 lignes téléphoniques pré-taraudés, avec un assortiment de données utilisateur entièrement interrogeables à partir d’une variété de services Internet, y compris Facebook, Google, Yahoo! et Bing! Chaque paquet garanti pour contenir au moins un (1) compte compromis prime au hasard inséré, tiré d’une sélection de chefs d’Etat voisins! Agissez maintenant! Les quantités sont limitées à plusieurs fois par nation qualification.

Ydych chi’n siarad Deustch?

Sie interessieren sich für die Sicherung Ihrer eigenen Land? Bitte senden $ 29.95M (USD) an:

9800 Savage Rd
Fort Meade, MD 20755

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Filed Under: nsa surveillance, safety, surveillance