Satan Finally Reveals Himself As A Legal Employer

from the thank-you-craigslist dept

Cross-posted from
I think that every lawyer feels that they have been employed by Satan at one time or another. It’s just like how criminals end up working for Keyser Soze without knowing it. Whether he’s running your firm from a corner office, or he’s a client you end up representing, most lawyers end up working for the devil at one time or another.

Usually, Satanic jobs and assignments try to appear normal. But that job market is really tight. Evidently, it’s such a buyer’s market that Satan doesn’t feel like he has to hide his true nature anymore. He’s now openly advertising to hire some new associates on Craigslist….

To some, it might appear surprising that the devil needs help securing water rights in flood-soaked Nashville. But as I see it, Nashville is pretty much a hellhole, and Satan is much more likely to need water than, say, fire. From Craiglist:

My principal place of business has experienced unusually aggressive expansion as of late and this has resulted in a number of significant legal problems. Consequently, my current legal staff is unable to complete all the electronic discovery necessary for an upcoming class action riparian rights lawsuit…

As you may know, my business has been around for centuries and I work very diligently to ensure that as FEW new attorneys as possible are able to get their feet in the doors in this city or any other city for that matter. However, given these unique circumstances, I am willing to make an exception or two.

Kind regards,

Satan

There's a screen shot of the full ad below.

Alas, the devil is in the details:

Compensation: Your soul and your student loans (also, jellybeans).

They say that the devil’s greatest trick was to convince the world he didn’t exist. But I think it’s more impressive that the devil is able to get so many people to do his bidding even when he tells them the truth. Let’s be honest, there are thousands of unemployed attorneys who would gladly sell their soul for a chance at a good job. There are people waiting in line to sell their souls. Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven? Unemployed lawyers will settle for serving in hell rather than waiting for heaven to grant them a job.

And since I have nothing else to add, let’s all watch Al Pacino physically blow Keanu Reeves off the screen in the scene that totally redeems this movie:

“Lose? I DON’T LOSE, I win. I WIN. I’M A LAWYER, THAT’S MY JOB, THAT’S WHAT I DO.” Trust me, every time I talk to a prospective law student, I hear a very confused Keanu doing a bad southern accent as I slowly explain to him what is obvious to everybody else. I’M A FAN OF MAN.

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Reader Comments (rss)

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  1.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 21st, 2013 @ 8:48pm

    Old joke

    The fence between Heaven and Hell broke down. St. Peter told Satan to fix it.
    Satan refused, saying, "I'm pretty busy here. You fix it".
    "But I fixed it last time", St. Peter said. "It's your turn".
    "I ain't fixing it!" said Satan. "And that's final!"
    "Well", stated St. Peter, "if you won't fix it, I guess I'll just have to sue you".
    "Oh yeah?" retorted Satan. "And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

     

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  2.  
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    Internet Zen Master (profile), Feb 21st, 2013 @ 9:10pm

    And this is why...

    there is no such thing as a patron saint of lawyers for the Catholic Church. It truly is an unholy profession!!

    Okay, there's St. Thomas More, but he's more the patron saint of politicians and civil servants, which aren't entirely despicable jobs...

     

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  3.  
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    sehlat (profile), Feb 21st, 2013 @ 9:59pm

    Re: And this is why...

    politicians and civil servants
    You haven't dealt much with either kind, have you?

     

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  4.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 1:18am

    Re: Re: And this is why...

    That's not fair on civil servants! Their souls are scrubbed and taken when they enter the job, and returned upon leaving.

    Politicians don't want their souls back - it's too much an encumbrance.

     

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  5.  
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    Josef Anvil (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 1:23am

    My contribution

    Christ, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, an honest lawyer, and a dishonest lawyer are having lunch together. Who picks up the bill?


    The dishonest lawyer, since all the others are figments of your imagination.

     

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  6.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 3:20am

    Since an unfortunate error with a company wide email, I never close with 'Kind regards'. Those G & T keys are soooo close together.

     

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  7.  
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    Jeff Rivett (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 4:52am

    Keanu took a pay cut to get Pacino hired

    Interestingly, Keanu paid big bucks to have the privilege of being blown away by Pacino in that movie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keanu_Reeves#1990s

     

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  8.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 6:08am

    Re: My contribution

    [citation please]

     

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  9.  
    identicon
    PRMan, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 6:52am

    Re: My contribution

    I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ was a real person.

     

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  10.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 7:41am

    Re: Re: My contribution

    The Jesus bit is correct, its the Christ bit (Greek for Son of God) that there is still some discussion about

     

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  11.  
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    Kevin (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 8:14am

    Not so devilish

    In Australia and UK we have a different system. Misdemeanors are presided over by a Magistrate and an accused can be represented in court by a Solicitor (Lawyer)
    Felonies or trial by jury are presided over by a Judge and only a Barrister can argue the case. In this situation a solicitor does all the groundwork, chooses a Barrister and provides him/her with a brief (all relevant material).
    A solicitor requires years of experience to be accepted at the bar as a Barrister.
    It is rare a Barrister would accept a brief that was considered suspect as our courts tend to be intolerant towards courtroom tricks.
    Barristers ask questions from their seat and can only approach a witness with a Judge's permission.
    As for the wigs and black capes worn by Barristers that exists so a jury cannot be influenced by the Barrister's appearance. They all look the same.

     

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  12.  
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    Ken Riel, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 8:27am

    Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    "They say that the devil’s greatest trick was to convince the world he didn’t exist."

    'They' being the same entities that have lied to us all along? ...@TooRiel, or tooriel.tumblr

     

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  13.  
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    Sparky64 (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 8:30am

    Confused...

    If people have a hard time believing in God then how can they believe in Satan. After all they go hand in hand with one another.

    So if Satan is real then so must be God.

     

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  14.  
    identicon
    Ken Riel, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 8:33am

    Re: Old joke

    I'm not sure Peter should be trusted. Not sure at all...

    Acts 5:1-10
    New International Version (NIV)
    Ananias and Sapphira

    5 Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. 2 With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet.

    3 Then Peter said, “Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? 4 Didn’t it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn’t the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied just to human beings but to God.”

    5 When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened. 6 Then some young men came forward, wrapped up his body, and carried him out and buried him.

    7 About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8 Peter asked her, “Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?”

    “Yes,” she said, “that is the price.”

    9 Peter said to her, “How could you conspire to test the Spirit of the Lord? Listen! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.”

    10 At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband.

    You be the Judge...

    @TooRiel

     

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  15.  
    identicon
    Ken Riel, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 8:40am

    Re: Confused...

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  16.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 8:53am

    Re: Re: Re: My contribution

    I thought Christ meant "the anointed one". Anyway, since Jesus' last name was not actually Christ, ever wonder what it was?

     

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  17.  
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    Internet Zen Master (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 8:56am

    Re: Re: And this is why...

    There's a reason Saint/Sir Thomas More is the patron saint of politicians. He refused to compromise his religious convictions, even at the cost of his job [in this case, was he refused to accept Henry VIII as the "Supreme Head of the English Church" and reject the Vatican as having control of Engladn.] The man lost his head because he stuck to his beliefs.

    St. Thomas More is like the embodiment of an honest, idealist politician than politicians in general. Hell, I have a feeling that if he were a Senator in the U.S. Congress, he'd actually (and genuinely) work for the benefit of his constituents instead of the corporations/Hollywood/[insert lobbyist group here].

    That said, he'd have a hard time lasting more than one term in office...

     

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  18.  
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    Josh in CharlotteNC (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 9:05am

    Re: Confused...

    A malevolent god is more difficult to rule out than a benevolent one.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cartesian_demon

    Then again, the Christian God (Jehovah) is pretty far from benevolent.

     

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  19.  
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    ltlw0lf (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 10:52am

    Re: Re: Re: Re: My contribution

    Anyway, since Jesus' last name was not actually Christ, ever wonder what it was?

    Middle and Last names are a recent occurrence in history. They came from one of two customs, depending on the region, either your father's name or the place you were born or were from. So Jesus was really Jesus of Nazareth (or Jesus of Bethlehem.)

     

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  20.  
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    tqk (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 10:58am

    Re: Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    "They say that the devil’s greatest trick was to convince the world he didn’t exist."

    'They' being the same entities that have lied to us all along?

    There's no such thing as "evil." There is a state of absence of "good." It's the same as hot vs. cold.

    Physics is your friend.

     

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  21.  
    identicon
    Ken Riel, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 11:03am

    Re: Re: Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    By physics, I hope you mean classical mechanics...

    Also, did you check the link I posted? It backs up your comment.

    http://tooriel.tumblr.com/post/42533816564

     

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  22.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 11:41am

    Re: Re: Re: Re: My contribution

    Sorry, my mistake, Christ does mean 'anointed one' (or messiah/saviour depending on the language). The point I was trying to make was that whether Jesus Christ did or did not exist depends on whether you are a Christian or not. Jesus did exist but only Christian believe Christ did.

     

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  23.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 12:19pm

    Re: Re: Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    That doesn't make any sense.

     

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  24.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 12:29pm

    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My contribution

    Or what you did for a living. All those guys named Schmidt, Metzger, Schaefer, Schneider, etc. (and their Anglicized equivalents).

     

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  25.  
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    ltlw0lf (profile), Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 2:41pm

    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My contribution

    Or what you did for a living. All those guys named Schmidt, Metzger, Schaefer, Schneider, etc. (and their Anglicized equivalents).

    That didn't actually start until later (~13/14 Century, AD, though China did start using some titles as last names back before Jesus, and of course, Julius Cesar, where Cesar isn't a last name but a title,) but yes, that is true. Thatcher, Smith, and Baker are all from around the ~13/14 Century, and those names pretty much meant you were not going to be part of the ruling class. Also, there were some societies which followed the matriarch too...where you were named after your mother. However, that was more rare (China before 1600BC, many New World tribes.) However, most "last names" of the time were based on your father or your birthplace.

    It would have been pretty interesting though, if Jesus's last name was Carpenter.

     

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  26.  
    identicon
    Ken Riel, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 3:06pm

    Re: Re: Re: Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    "That doesn't make any sense."

    How so?

    Is there a question I can answer?

     

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  27.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 22nd, 2013 @ 5:01pm

    Re: Re: Re: Re: Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    Well, for one thing, your assertion that there is no such thing as evil, that there is the state of absence of good. WTF does that even mean? And how do you know it's not the other way around?
    It's the same as hot vs. cold. Again, WTF?

     

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  28.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 23rd, 2013 @ 1:37am

    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    To precise, he's right: cold in an unscientifical term that describes the subjective observation of the absence of heat compared to another situation.
    In science there's only one status - the heat, present in various amounts.

     

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  29.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Feb 23rd, 2013 @ 10:39am

    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    How about good and evil? Those are moral judgments that science cannot make.

     

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  30.  
    identicon
    Ken Riel, Feb 24th, 2013 @ 9:17am

    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Embodyments of evil... or... the devil is in the details

    What are Good and Bad?

    At first glance the answer to this question seems obvious to many, but is it? These values may be apparent from an individual's perspective, but we all know one persons pleasure is often another's pain.

    Without a conscious observer there is no good or bad, things just are. When a fish eats another fish it's not really bad or good from a human perspective, rather it's just nature running it's course. It's just the nature of things, as its been said... the “circle of life”. Concepts of scale aside, this is a relatively simple formula not unlike a machine or a mathematical equation.

    Unless we are somehow a supporters of one of the fish or champions of the rights of individual fish in general. But of course if an observer did take a stand in favor of a fish that would be a conscious position.

    As biological beings we are bound to certain realities of our bodies in the physical world. We must eat for example, no matter what that always involves consuming a living thing. Because of a biologically imperative need to reproduce we also have a tendency to want to better ourselves in other ways, even at the expense of other beings. These are not Human qualities at all ~ they are literally separate from humanitarian thought. These natural tendencies would seem to be common to all living things in one way or another, and most certainly they are common to all animals. They are an inescapable part of 'mechanical' biology, but also separate from... or at odds with... the idea of Humanity.

    Without the intervention of conscious thought we would simply attempt to take whatever we wanted whenever we wanted it without any regard for the needs of others. It is only as thinking beings that we can create the idea of good and try to act in a way that we believe is consistent with that good.

    Good and bad are ideas. Without someone to judge a situation they don't exist. When they do exist they are always a function of a conscious perspective.

    So have we determined that good and bad are 'just' ideas? Not hardly. These are very important ideas, very important indeed. Put simply, they are fundamental to Human consciousness. The idea of these two mutually dependent qualities are among the elements that we form our notions of morality from, and they are at the core of what it means to be Human rather than a 'lesser' animal.

    With classic physics we've learned that there is no such thing as cold. Only varying degrees of heat. It is not possible to 'make cold' ...all that we can do is remove heat from a body or a space. The same basic principle is true of light, or any other form of energy for that matter, one can not produce darkness, one can only extinguish or block the light. Theoretical physics aside, this is our truth. Within this physical reality any other interpretations of hot/cold light/dark only exist because of inaccurate perceptions (illusions).

    Think of your conscious mind and/or Divinity that creates and encompasses your conscious mind as light or heat or energy or just the 'perceiver of good' or 'creator of good' or whatever. From our perspective as upright bipedal beings with our brains in our head at the top of our bodies it makes some sense to think of these properties or values as 'higher' than the more mechanical/biological aspects of our being. It seems reasonable to assume that this is why ideas of 'Heaven' are usually thought of as existing 'above' us, and it's the reason we're going to continue with these thoughts by referring to Human values and morality as the 'Top'.

    Think of the physical world as described by pure logic and understood by scientific method as earth, as external reality, as the very ground that we walk on. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, what goes up must come down, 1+1=2 and so on. Feet on the ground so to speak. This is why we are labeling our physical world and purely biological aspects of our existence the 'bottom'.

    More to come...

     

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  31.  
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    Samuel Abram (profile), Feb 25th, 2013 @ 7:02pm

    Re: Re: Re: And this is why...


    St. Thomas More is like the embodiment of an honest, idealist politician than politicians in general. Hell, I have a feeling that if he were a Senator in the U.S. Congress, he'd actually (and genuinely) work for the benefit of his constituents instead of the corporations/Hollywood/[insert lobbyist group here].


    So you're basically saying he'd be Ron Wyden, right? :-P

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]


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