ICE & FBI Hatch Ingenious Plan To Make DVD Piracy Warnings Longer

from the that-oughta-do-it dept

Immigrations & Customs Enforcement, still beset on all sides by unflagging movie piracy, has decided to join forces with the FBI in their proven strategy of targeting every pirate's one true weakness: legitimate customers who bought the DVD. Though the Bureau's lengthy anti-piracy lectures preceding every movie have had limited impact to date, this exciting new partnership promises to inject them with new life by making them last way longer. It will also reinforce the weight of the warning by reminding viewers that ICE's Homeland Security Investigations is also watching, not just those sissies in the FBI. In case that doesn't get the message across, the joint FBI/ICE warning will be followed by a second warning from the National Intellectual Property Rights Coordination Center, which has a less ominous acronym but a much scarier logo:

Ars Technica has answers to all your questions, except for "what's that torrent site called again?"

Will the two screens be shown back to back? Will each screen last for 10 seconds each? Will each screen be unskippable? Yes, yes, and yes.

If you're thinking "why the hell would they subject the only people who aren't pirating films to this treatment?" then congratulations, you're not ICE Director John Morton. The only thing more insane would be starting every movie with instructions on how to invent the DVD player. Apparently Morton sees method in his madness, though, much like how shamans see method in their rain dances:

The idea isn't to deter current pirates, apparently (the new scheme requires all legal purchasers to sit through 20 seconds of warnings each time they pop in a film, but will be totally absent from pirated downloads and bootlegs). It's to educate everyone else. As ICE Director John Morton announced in a statement yesterday, "Law enforcement must continue to expand how it combats criminal activity; public awareness and education are a critical part of that effort."

Well, I guess it is good to see them experimenting with new ways of doing their job. And if it doesn't work, I'm betting they've got some more tricks up their sleeve, like 30-second warnings, 45-second warnings, and possibly even 60-second warnings if they can work out the complex logistics. With law enforcement this innovative, those pirates don't stand a chance.

Filed Under: dvd, fbi, ice, john morton, piracy

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  1. icon
    Ninja (profile), 10 May 2012 @ 7:49am

    Re: Let's be fair...

    Actually the studios do the rest of the job with unskippable trailers. And it's amusing, if me and my "friend" start a niblet twisting fun before the movie is rolling then usually it will not be watched.

    I think a better solution would be the ICE adding a menu where you could choose the "piracy warning" mode such as the following:

    Mode 1 - Quick bathroom break - 30 seconds
    Mode 2 - Quick niblet twisting fun - 60 seconds
    Mode 3 - Popcorn - 128 seconds (at least in my microwave)
    Mode 4 - Not-so-quick bathroom break - 5 minutes
    Mode 5 - Wild niblet fun - 2 hours
    Mode 6 - Sweet dreams - 8 hours

    With each mode they should add specific sound effects/ambience/music for better enjoyment. The watery sound would be perfect for mode 1 and mode 2 would be nice with some random lounge music. Mode 3 could use popping sounds just for the lulz and 4 a loud horn to overlap the.. sounds every1 does in these situations. Mode 5 some soft lounge could be fun too (you could add a song selection screen for that one) and on mode 6 some calm song to induce sleep. Obviously those modes could be experimented and could vary depending on the movie. I don't think you'd see niblet twisting in Barney DVDs for instance...

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