Some Free Letter-Writing Advice For America's Toughest Sheriff
from the there,-fixed-that-for-you dept
Everyone, no matter how great they might think they are, can benefit from the services of a good editor, especially when they are writing an important document. Say, for example, you were self-proclaimed "America's Toughest Sheriff" and everybody-else-proclaimed "Kind Of A Dick" Joe Arpaio (sheriff for Maricopa County, Arizona), and you had just used Craigslist to catch and arrest two literal dogfuckers before they could get down to their despicable business (thanks to BigKeithO for sending this in). Naturally you would be appreciative of Craigslist for helping you find these people and prevent any pooch-porking, so you might decide to write CEO Jim Buckmaster a nice thank you letter. Unfortunately, without proper editing, that letter might instead accidentally convey the ridiculous notion that you are actually angry at Craigslist for being so useful, and that you believe it contributes to the problem of bestiality. It might even come close to suggesting that you would rather these mutt-divers keep talking about bending Rover over but do it behind closed doors—and that would be downright insane.
Such a letter, it seems, has just been written [pdf]. For the public good, I am providing my editing services free of charge to Sheriff Arpaio, in order to clarify what I assume was his intended point, since shaming Craigslist for helping you get doggy-diddlers off the street is obviously nonsensical. Sheriff Arpaio's complete letter follows, with my recommended edits marked in bold or strikethrough.
Dear Mr. Buckmaster:
Maricopa County Sheriff's Office detectives conducted an undercover investigation that spanned several months during 2010 and 2011. This investigation resulted in the arrest of two individuals for conspiracy to commit bestiality. There is an ongoing investigation of several others. Craigslist provided the forum for these individuals to post, in a very blatant manner, their intentions. We are able to locate and communicate with these suspects using Craigslist. Thank you.
During the course of the investigation numerous other posts were discovered in the Personals sections of "men seeking men" and "casual encounters". These posts included specific description of criminal acts. They were often accompanied by graphic photographs of a fully nude male in various pornographic situations. This constitutes excellent evidence for the State. Again, thank you.
It is clear that the "self-policing" protocol Craigslist relies upon to prevent this activity is inadequate, but its mere existence is already going above and beyond your legal duty.
As the Sheriff of one of the largest law enforcement agencies in the nation, I, not you, am responsible for
the conduct of my entire organizationenforcing the law. In this regard, I strongly encourage Craigslist and you, specifically, Mr. Buckmaster, to accept greater responsibility for your organizationmy personal thanks for helping us get two perverts off the streets.
I ask that you re-evaluate the security measures that you utilize to prevent this type of activity and take the necessary action to improve your procedure.Now if you'll excuse me, I have some pink underwear to sell.
Joseph M. Arpaio