A Teenaged Tech CEO Tries To Sneak In After Curfew And Finds His Mom Waited Up For Him
from the but-maaaaaaaaahm dept
Thank you very much for inviting my input on the topic of being grounded. I appreciate the opportunity to engage with Mom regarding this important discussion.
I take living under your roof very seriously. I am proud to be a recognized leader in crucial household initiatives such as making the bed and setting the table. Last year, data rigorously collected by the chores chart on the refrigerator shows that I folded the laundry 48 times, a 200% increase year over year.  My contributions in these areas demonstrate my ongoing commitment to this family.
From time to time, I may adjust my going-out policies based on data-driven decision-making and evaluation of the current regulatory environment. My interpretation of curfew is based upon guidance from Dad who said 1:00 a.m. was OK, but you weren?t there, I think you were at the store. If the conclusions I drew from this guidance do not reflect parental intent, I regret the miscommunication and appreciate the chance for clarification.
My policies are consistent with industry best practices in this area. According to my most recent review, Jennifer’s mom lets her come home at 1:00 a.m. on Fridays and Saturdays, and Denise’s mom lets her sleep over at a boy’s house so long as his mom calls her mom first. Accordingly, I believe that my going-out policy reflects standard parental expectations in the community where I operate.
Should you have any additional requests for information, I can be reached in my room via text message. Mom, gawd, just text me like a normal person. No I won?t hear you knock because I always have my earbuds in. Well I put them in because you complained I was playing my music too loud, JEEZ I CAN?T DO ANYTHING RIGHT I HATE IT HERE [bursts into tears, storms upstairs]
Thank you again for the opportunity to continue the dialogue on this critical issue. I look forward to answering your questions.
 See Attachment A.
 Id.; see also [REDACTED].
When Riana Pfefferkorn is not writing satirical letters to
Congress Mom, she’s a Research Scholar at the Stanford Internet Observatory. She can be found online at @Riana_Crypto.