This week on Under the Bridge Reporting, Techdirt continues its zero-accident track record of no trolls featured in Funniest/Most Insightful. The casual reader might consider this a non-threat, but the same thing was once said about the likes of John Steele and Charles Harder. Just because an idiot is an idiot is no indication that he won’t cause problems down the line. And holy cannoli did the troll brigade put in work these past two weeks, their disunited strategies aside.

This fortnight’s feature starts us out with, as much as it makes me throw up in my mouth a little, ROGS! If for any reason you ever wanted to know what would happen when antidirt, Shiva Ayyadurai, out_of_the_blue and John Smith walked into a glory hole operated by Tara Carreon… well, when a group of trolls really love each other they somehow generate this clusterfuck trying to pass off as intelligent life. Even going on the very kind assumption that ROGS is like totes serious right now, I’m not even sure what the hell ROGS is doing here. You don’t exactly have to go very far to see that Techdirt is not a site that looks kindly on cops misbehaving. Hell, there’s even a recurring anonymous troll that pisses and moans whenever Tim Cushing writes an article about it (No, not talking about btr1701, I’ve already gone on at length to explain why he’s not one).

But for some reason ROGS feels the need to go on at length about the police forming gangs. And I don’t mean it in the way of a comedic roast or Pulitzer-level exposé, I mean in the way that would make Alex Jones piss his pants. ROGS will post about cop gangs on any thread with a fanaticism that would make John Smith and his Section 230 hateboner blush. If ROGS described Techdirt he’d say it was run by Christian-Scientologists who love cop cosplay during intercourse with Jews… because it’s ROGS. Imagine a guy walking into a vegetarian salad bar bearing a sign saying “Meat is Evil”, and goes on to explain that it’s because the beef industry is secretly implanting astatine isotopes that render us vulnerable to zeta-gamma rays broadcast by the true Illuminati from the Oort Cloud and anyone who disagrees with him must be a reptilian helicopter in disguise… and you’d have a pretty decent analog for what ROGS does here.

Effort alone doesn’t make a troll worthy, though. Relevance to pet peeves and topics is essential when you’re trying to rile up a community even if you’re shitposting and needlessly antagonising notable members, which is why Hamilton had a great run trying to huff and puff Shiva’s attempts to be anyone significant. Still, ROGS doesn’t come close to Tero Pulkinnen’s bulk just yet, but in ROGS’ defense tp has been busy shitting up his own threads for a couple weeks and counting, and has somehow managed to appear level-headed compared to ROGS. Techdirt users did get a gem this week though, as tp himself admitted that his work involved trolling random nobody websites as part of his marketing strategy. Just in case there were any good Samaritans out there still thinking there’s something worth salvaging from this waste of oxygen and Scandinavia’s welfare system.

And just when you thought it was safe to post in the Section 230 threads again, here comes John Herrick Smith himself! After missing out on shaking his fist at Masnick in the 2019’s New Year Message thread, you didn’t think John Smith would miss out on a bitchfest over Section 230, did you? Bill Barr and Joe Biden getting involved (i.e. cursorily shaking their heads with the usual “something must be done rhetoric”) was too much for Herrick to mask his giddy glee, and he went on the usual offensive of lawyer gangs, employers reading 4chan to gauge employees, and even kids getting killed by round-the-clock stalking. A solid showing and proof that Jhon boi hasn’t lost his douche, I mean touch, since his New Year’s absence. Really all we were missing was a mention of Rose McGowan and how women sleep their way to power. Time will tell if John reaches his peak like he usually does when Strike 3 is mentioned, but given his late showing he’s already got some big shoes to fill from the non-veterans.

Rounding up this week’s report, a wild Richard Bennett appeared! Save for a few 18 Jan showings, Bennett hasn’t been his usual apoplectic self, which is an oddity given that the idea Karl Bode exists makes him froth at the mouth like a rabid dog. Why’s that? One guess is that ol’ Dick Bent has been busy doing damage control on Ars Technica after Jon Brodkin pointed out all the funds Comcast didn’t put into investment… yet again. Cue Bennett with lips stammering, face coloring, fists pumping as he swears that Comcast has the best service everywhere! …Oh, it doesn’t? It will! For realsies! And why would you actually want the best service anyway? Why, it must be because you’re a pirate! Bennett’s choice of arena is especially strange this time round, given that Ars is historically far less tolerant of his brand of snake oil and is very willing to make his garbage far less visible. Who knows? Perhaps Bennett’s tsundere schoolgirl act for Bode now has a rival in Brodkin?

That’s all for this week’s report. Remember, readers: feed a torrent, starve a troll!