Angry Patent Lawyer Still Angry, Claims PatentlyO's Dennis Crouch Is Both A 'Dickhead' And Violated CFAA

from the andrew-schroeder,-have-you-met-charles-carreon? dept

Oh boy. Tim Cushing recently had a post here about a very angry patent lawyer, by the name of Andrew Schroeder. The story of his unbelievable rant filed with the patent office was originally highlighted over at PatentlyO, by Dennis Crouch, who most folks in the patent business are well aware of because of the blog and his regular commentary on patent-related issues. After Crouch published the rant, the story caught on in the press and it got a bit of coverage, including on our site as an example of how not to conduct business before the patent office. Everyone has bad days. And the best thing to do is to admit that you had a bad day and move on.

But that’s apparently not how Andrew Schroeder rolls.

Our friends over at Above The Law have alerted us to the fact that Schroeder is back… and is he ever pissed off about people knowing just how pissed off he is. In what may be one of the worst-designed blogs ever made (and, warning, it’s so badly designed that it doesn’t even work at all if you have javascript turned off) Schroeder has announced that first, Dennis Crouch is the “Dickhead of the Year” for 2013 (I’m wondering who the past winners are) and (even better) that he believes Crouch violated the CFAA in finding and publishing his rant.

Both posts are filled with poorly designed graphics, mostly mocking Crouch, which Schroeder proudly takes credit for late in that first post. These aren’t even “bad in an ironic way” graphics. They’re just bad. In the way that someone is when they first discover how Photoshop works and suddenly thinks they’re a master of design bad. But the rant is just as wacky. He never apologizes for the language he uses, beyond noting that it was “less than flattering.” No, his focus is on the claim that his insane rant — in which he accused a patent examiner of taking drugs, being drunk, not reading the patent application, of having to write with crayons and a variety of other euphemisms to suggest that the examiner has mental problems — was a “confidential” communication between himself and the examiner, and revealing it involved both (a) illegal hacking into the USPTO site and (b) being a “dickhead” for thinking it might be entertaining to highlight his ranting.

One of the things I find fascinating about this whole ordeal is the fact that many of the articles written since Patentlyo’s blog post all assume that this was some sort of “PUBLIC” rant or tirade. Everyone assumes that this was some sort of “Open Letter” to the USPTO that I wrote to shame this particular Examiner (in fact, this was just between the Examiner, his Senior Examiner and me…and no one else). In fact, this was a confidential letter and anyone who tells you anything to the contrary is full of shit, I don’t give a fuck what they tell you.

Uh, no, it wasn’t.

From there, Schroeder goes into a big rant about how terrible it is to use the USPTO’s filing system. That may be true, but so what? That has nothing to do with the inappropriate nature of his rant. Schroeder, however, connects the dots to claim that because the USPTO site is so complicated, he would have thought that it would protect his “confidential” communications better (there’s an assumption in there that’s not quite true…). He also includes some totally gratuitous ad hominem attacks on Crouch, because no Schroeder rant is complete without resorting to sophomoric trash talking.

He further complains that Crouch appears to be “sympathizing with the Examiner!” because no one could possibly sympathize with a patent examiner. Now, we’re generally no big fans of patent examiners around here, because we tend to think they approve all sorts of junk patents, but I think it’s rather easy to sympathize with the recipient of Schroeder’s rage rant. Of course, Schroeder hates examiners for the opposite reason we do. He insists they’re not approving nearly enough patents, and that their default is to reject patents. In fact, he gives an anecdotal “side note” about some mythical patent examiner who has a 100% rejection rate. That’s amusing, since (as we pointed out recently) in 2012, nearly 90% of all patent applications were eventually approved. And Schroeder thinks examiners are too quick to reject?

In the second post, Schroeder insists that as far as he can tell it’s absolutely impossible that Crouch could have found his rant in the PAIR system, and therefore, he believes that Crouch hacked into the USPTO’s computers and violated the CFAA.

I’m gonna have to crowdsource this one because I’ve been doing research and can’t seem to figure out how Dennis Crouch was able to access my account with the USPTO. It has always been my understanding that patent applications less than 18 months old and their office action responses are to remain confidential. I’m starting to think that Patentlyo’s Dennis Crouch just wants me to believe that it is common knowledge that you can access anyone’s records there at the USPTO. However, from my own research I have found no evidence whatsoever that it is possible. And more importantly, I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF HIS ACTIONS WERE EVEN LEGAL!

The more I think about it, the more likely it is that Dennis Crouch may have broken a whole bunch of laws. When it comes to cyber crimes there are state laws (one for where he lives, possibly where I live, and that of Alexandria, Virginia (USPTO).

And then of course there are Federal laws as well such as the CFAA (Computer Fraud & Abuse Act) which makes it a felony to hack and steal documents similar to what Dennis mother fucking menace may have done.

That one comes complete with a poorly executed graphic showing Crouch’s head mixed in with the text “Computer Hacking is Cool” and pretending that this is a class that Crouch teaches at the University of Missouri Law School.

Randomly, at the end of the first blog post, Schroeder goes off on how proud he is of the hard work he puts into designing his websites:

You see, for the past several years I have taught myself how to build my own websites, everything…from A-Z. I can do HTML, the Videos, the graphics, the images, CSS, and even the SEO. And I think that I can build one hell of a website. For the past several years, I have had countless people call me out of the blue and ask me who built my website. When I reveal to them that it was me, they usually respond with something like, “No, really, who actually built your website?”

I love building websites. I get absorbed in it, and I can’t tell you how many times I have looked up at the clock to see “3:AM”, and wonder where the past 12 hours went. Some guys have video games, girls have shoe hunting expeditions, I have the website munchies. So, if any of you have gotten this far and think you need a website, go ahead and give me a call, and I’ll hook you up!

The website has to be seen to be believed. Not only does it not function without javascript, but the layout is ridiculous and confusing, the graphics don’t line up, and (as mentioned) the graphic design is awful. So, not only can you get a patent lawyer who might start cursing you out and rant at you for not approving the patent he wanted you to approve, but he might start advertising his awful web design skills in the middle of it all. Wow. Here’s a screenshot of one of the blog posts (each has their own “background” image that distracts from, well, everything.

Schroeder might do well to consider taking a deep breath before writing any more angry rants and maybe, just maybe, taking a class on web an graphic design.

Filed Under: andrew schroeder, patents, rant, uspto