What To Do When Facebook Suggests You Become Friends With Your Husband's Other Wife

from the friend-the-police? dept

Personally, I’ve found that Facebook’s “recommendations” of people I might know is kind of a mixed bag. Sometimes it reminds me of people I probably should be connected to, but other times it’s pretty random. If I don’t know the person, I might take a look at who we know in common, but I generally won’t friend such people. Still, there are times when the recommendations might turn up something… interesting. Such is the case, apparently, with the woman who discovered that her husband was married to someone else after Facebook recommended his other wife to her, and she noticed the wedding photos in her profile. For what it’s worth, the guy had left his first wife years earlier, and married the second wife after he’d moved out… but at no point had either the wife or husband moved towards getting a divorce. After trying to find out what was up by calling his mother, the guy showed up at wife number one’s house promising to make things right if she didn’t tell anyone. That didn’t happen, and he’s now facing bigamy charges. And people say Facebook isn’t useful…

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Comments on “What To Do When Facebook Suggests You Become Friends With Your Husband's Other Wife”

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Anonymous Coward says:

Re: Re:

Again more confusion.

The wives are tangible item, they are a physical object. By being married to both women, he was preventing others from having them. This is more like shoplifting (theft) two CDs then it is copying a file (infringement).

Now I’m going to go hide before people start pointing out that I referred to women as objects.

Melissa Ruhl (profile) says:

Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

I read several books five years ago or so on the history of Progressive reformers who worked with women fleeing from polygamy, so I have a somewhat cloudy memory of the outlawing of polygamy in the States. Clearly, the Protestant Progressives had a significant bias in seeking to help Mormon women fight against a practice they strongly denounced. Religion was most definitely a motivator for social and political change. Though religion may seem an insufficient reason to us now, Protestantism has a long history of intertwining itself in American law. There were political reasons Protestants fought Mormons, but also polygamy seemed to be only about sex, so its immorality seemed self-evident to Protestant reformers.

More fundamentally, I would argue, polygamy became politically toxic because definitions of marriage were changing. So-called companionate marriage, in which a husband and wife chose each other out of love, was a significant change going into the Progressive Era (late 1800s to early 1900s, maybe 1880-1914). Though the man and the woman each had their separate roles in marriage, each was seen–at least ideally–as an equal partner. Polygamy stood in the middle of this powerful cultural change as a relic of the past; it smacked of a time when women did not have the “moral authority” necessary to make the house a home.

To summarize: from a Progressive woman’s perspective polygamy’s evils mostly centered around Christian morality and marital empowerment.

I know less about the political movement against polygamy, but this Wikipedia entry on the LDS church’s official declaration against the practice might be a helpful starting point. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1890_Manifesto

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

What is wrong with bigamy? Well the problem there is that bigamy is a law that punishes unlawful marriages. Little more to it than that.

I believe your correct question is what is wrong with polygamy? I tend to know a lot about that one seeing that I actually do it.

The main reason for monogamy is certainly religion but this is not religious texts but the religious organization (ie church) that enforces it. For example God has never condemned polygamy in the Bible. There are many polygamy references in the bible and was recommended twice I recall but this is usually summed up as polygamy is not normally recommended when it can corrupt the heart.

The second main aspect is culture when people do monogamy because everyone else does it. Family, friends, neighbours so why should you be different?

Then a third aspect is the state which forms from a unification of the first two. They are the ones that cause the most disruption to a polygamy life and in many ways oppose multiple wives even if lawfully wed.

Well from my polygamy life I find that general people are more receptive. For friends it is a non-issue, strangers interested, and even the family of these women are happy they have a good man and a good life and of course serious.

It a much harder relationship keeping all happy and to show love, care and importance. Very time and resource consuming but we all get what we need.

Ninja (profile) says:

Re: Re: Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

Obviously. But I don’t think calling them husbands is quite proper. I say she’s my wife, I’m her husband and we have our physical affairs outside this. I’ll support her, she’1l support me, we’ll share a roof and kids and that’s it. I do think we should both avoid kids with any other partner though or it would get pretty complicated =/

Anonymous Coward says:

Re: Re: Re:2 Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

The Fuzzy Wuzzys have multiple wives and I believe practice what is known as “fourth day free.” This is where the women can do whatever they want every fourth day. Devoted to there husband for three days, then a day for themselves to do as they please. But like Violated has mentioned in his posts, it’s not like these women would just run off to be with another man just because they could.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

I am a straight male and marriage and relationships are still being sorted out.

Polygamy is what I made clear early in my relationships when a woman can understand a man’s needs if allowed to. They also value what a good man I am and my honesty, help and commitment. Just to advertise about can have people recommend you suitable women.

I would not allow my women to have other men for various logical reasons. First is that most of these are good Catholic women and while one man to one woman would be their ideal they still believe in being good loving and faithful wives to their man. Just because my values vary from the average man does not mean their value change from being a good faithful wife and mother.

The second reason would be that I like to be territorial where these are my women and no one but I will make babies with them (beyond any they already have). I have already seen myself that emotional women can’t easily handle a multi-partner relationship. Then as I also know a lot about women then having them bed another man would mean they are unhappy with our relationship.

Not to forget I always need to make certain that my women are always clean and to do a fully open relationship presents a large STD risk.

Well let me give you a couple of nameless examples. First their is #1 who fell pregnant during her high school days and left with no qualifications. She then had 2 other kids with this man before he one day turned around and said “I don’t want to do this any more” before he left her. She is unqualified for jobs and needs to focus on childcare. She has an ill sister with a problem heart and spare family income usually goes on the medicine to keep her sister healthy and alive. So she has needed a man like she needs air to breath and at age 26 she has a beautiful personality and a hot figure. She greatly values my help and my polygamy to her falls under whatever makes you happy. I of course aim to have her finish her education and to give her some independence from simply being a mom all the time.

Then #2 I knew as a young virgin girl and oddly enough she has bi desire and finds my polygamy relationship “fun” and she desire to watch me bed other women. She is the skinny type but is a very very beautiful young woman.

On to #3 being my oldest existing partner and mother of my only daughter. She just needed a good man after a failed marriage and where her life crashed until she was left sleeping on the company floor. As she does not find polygamy easy then I allow her to have a her own private monogamy life in my polygamy world. She is very much in love and happy and a ultra cute daughter fulfils her long overdue desire for motherhood.

I could go on but you get the picture. Many women want a truly good man and sharing is not that hard compared to the other hardships life throws at them.

It is not all good news when polygamy consumes a lot more time, money and energy. Certainly not everyone can do polygamy when it is very important to treat them all equally and fairly. To always let them know they are important and loved and for them to feel “special” in my eyes.

DCX2 says:

Re: Re: Re:2 Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

As someone who considers himself capable of polyamory but has not yet been able to practice it, I find the “my women” bit to be a little…I dunno…unhealthy.

To an extent I can identify with your reasoning, up until the point where you seem to place yourself above them by calling them “yours”, especially given how you won’t let them have multiple male partners the way you have multiple female partners. Double standards do not imply equality.

You also place a lot of emphasis on physical appearance. I suppose having younger women makes it easier to deal with the older women. It makes me wonder if you’re going to keep seeking out younger women when you’re not satisfied with how your existing women age.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: Re:3 Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

Right… And you would never say “My husband” or “my wife” then? I say “my women” due to my various relationship states cannot be summed up by another single term. You could have “my wives” and “my GFs” though but even that is more complex than those simple terms.

Like #3 would be my woman married to another man, separated for 5 years, now living as my virtual wife, we now have a cute daughter, she cannot get divorced there, expensive annulment plan, now succeeded by a legal trickery plan in that she gets divorced here and then wedded to me. That gives her one lawful husband in my country but since divorce does not exist in her country that means unlawful adultery should her ex-husband complain in her country. Now sum all that up in one word. ๐Ÿ™‚

Double standards does not apply when completely none has expressed such a desire. A common goal for them is to be husband and marriage focused. So the goals they want are compatible within my own goals.

Any relationship needs agreeable goals and boundaries. As I said I made clear my polygamy goal early on and they were certainly free to say yes or no. Even now they could leave me whenever they wanted but they don’t (usually) because they are in love with a good man and quite happy.

As to physical appearance then I am certain that applies to most relationships. The fact that I find them “hot” in different ways is a good thing for a passionate relationship. I could certainly show you photos of them when “hot” they indeed are. Island Goddess I sometimes joke.

I may be a dominant male but I know my goals in life and my goals I do achieve. It is true I do not like obese and living a healthy lifestyle certainly avoids that.

Personality is certainly the deal breaker. As I said with #1 she has a very beautiful personality and we get along perfect.

As to the younger age then that was not so much my choice when even those like to lie and claim they are older. Well in one case she had finished her education and her family were like “go and find yourself a husband”. I know her cousin and she was like “I know you seek women so do you want this one?”. Her family were all supportive of the relationship. And yes she has been my GF for 2 years now which makes her the same age as what she first told me 2 years previously. ๐Ÿ™‚

Well as I am someone who believes in life long marriages then that does obviously include old age. These women of different ages will age at different rates and that is no problem for me.

PRMan (profile) says:

Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

In ancient cultures, where men were often killed in wars, it made a lot of sense for the remaining men to marry multiple wives, because it fit the ratio of men to women better.

But in a society where you have 51%/49%, it makes sense to limit people to a single spouse at a time.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

Yes I seem to recall that Poland after WW2 changed the law there so that their men could have a second wife should they want one. The problem there was that such vast numbers of the Polish men died in WW2 that a vast array of women discovered they simply could not get a man.

Well just because we have a 51%/49% population does not mean we should apply artificial controls. Even if it makes polygamy harder it can still be done lawfully by marrying one, then divorcing her, before marrying the next. Also bigamy is not a problem if all wives consent and refuse to take action. A crime does actually need a victim.

You do not allocate for gays and lesbians however that would screw the balance. Then of course marriage is optional and so many people live happy relationships without marriage.

Since there are no population controls beyond culture then as we already see the population balances out anyway when so many people have so many different desires. Why try to control what people do in the privacy of their own homes and bedrooms?

Josef Anvil (profile) says:

Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

But..but… Marriage can ONLY be between ONE man and ONE woman. Anything else will result in the destruction of civilization.

If we allow polygamy or gay marriage, families will suddenly burst into flames and the devil (and the pirates and terrorists and drug dealers and pedophiles) will have won.

A Dan (profile) says:

Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

A typical informed argument is that if you have lots of one-man-many-women polygamists in a society where men and women are roughly equal in number, there will be a huge population of men that are completely unable to find a wife due to their monopolization by powerful men. These unattached men are far less stable and more likely to become, for example, suicidal religious fanatics.


Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

Even in the Muslim world of up to 4 wives there is never a “lot” and they often do monogamy to a very high degree.

The flaw in this polygamy Universe is that modern women are empowered and they often have no desire to share a man. Indeed in this modern socialist world women don’t even need a man at all beyond sexual needs and many of those can still go mechanical.

I call that the “social ego” when they have a list of what makes their ideal world and they do not have any reason to tolerate less. I am already very sure that if you tried to turn a country polygamous, and make monogamy unlawful, then it would be total disaster.

This is not to forget the more women a man has the higher the cost involved to support them through life including a family so there are certainly limits.

Should a country suffer the stated polygamy issue then let us not forget that a whole World exists. Men can still find women in other countries and that is very easy these days within the European Union.

I do not see we need laws against polygamy. Society is monogamous with polygamy the exception. A relationship should never switch though from monogamy to polygamy without the consent of both.

Again I point out that I already do polygamy and laws are only a hindrance and stop me none. If I can do this then so can others and you may care to note that society has not collapsed into sexually frustrated suicide bombers.

So I would class that as a totally false conclusion, based on poor social understanding, and ends in muck raking slander. The same as when I heard one Canadian judge say that children made under polygamy get neglected. That would be “over my dead body”. ๐Ÿ™‚

A Dan (profile) says:

Re: Re: Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

You can call me names if you’d like, but I was legitimately answering TechnoMage’s question. It is the only social argument I’ve heard against it which is not a moral/religious argument. It is not based on the rightness of multiple wives, but on the potential negative outcomes to the society.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: Re:2 Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

I did not call you any names when I only faulted the data that you presented. Yes it may be the only one around without a moral/religious basis but it still comes to a highly questionable conclusion of social breakdown.

Society does usually fault things that are different and what they do not understand.

As I said society is by default monogamous when women do not often like to share a man. They are raised with a very monogamous dream of one to one love with a private marriage and family. Having their man bed another women is usually classed as betrayal.

There are of course some exceptions when many women have been failed or hurt by men where they simply need a good man and a happy life. Should they find their good man then they can choose to share once they see that the love and devotion they need is safe. That is not the only reason when bisexual women tend to be keen being able to go to bed with both genders. They do value a man’s honesty and they can also understand what makes a man happy.

I also see many women who believe in a traditional family life and want a man to support them while they maintain a home and raise a family. So provided they get their good caring man and happy family then they can tolerate their man taking a swim in another woman’s pool. Life can be harsh and it never turns out the way you expect which allows room to be flexible.

I do believe in being honest and even their parents can understand if allowed to. They have seen what their daughter has gone through themselves, their hard life, the previous men who hurt them, and once they get to know me, the good man I am, and the serious loving relationship, then they can be happy because their daughter is happy. They can then understand and accept if a man wants several wives.

One thing I can say is that polygamy it not easy. To be where I am now a man needs to be highly intelligent, have good knowledge on what makes a woman tick, being able to spot opportunities and of course being a very good man so women do like you. It is a lot of hard work, time and money then you need to aim for balance and fairness.

Then comes the reward of having deeply loving sexual relationships with several women. For a horny man like me that is blissful happiness in this cruel world.

Anonymous Coward says:

Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being married to more than one person… as long as everyone involved knows about it and is cool with it. On the other hand, I’d say it’s wrong to go and marry someone else behind your spouse’s back, or to fail to disclose something important like, say, that you’re already married to someone else. This guy should have divorced his first wife if he didn’t want to be with her anymore, and he definitely should have told his second wife about her, either way.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: Other than Jewish/Christian Religious Traditions...

I fully agree. Society though does maintain laws that hinder a polygamous relationship.

Like here in the UK there is a law that says that a man who have several wives can only ever bring his FIRST WIFE into the country. This makes visa matters can get quite complex.

Then of course it is unlawful for a man to marry a woman while being married to another woman. I do not know of any law to punish a man for simply trying. Then they tend not to act on the bigamy law if everyone is happy.

To comply with the law a man usually marries and divorces one woman at a time. The women are happy with their wedding day, their man’s surname, then no one outside the Government needs to know about the divorce part. That tends to take around 2 to 5 years per wife.

Violated (profile) says:

One to many

Well he was an idiot for not getting a simple divorce before his second marriage. Now his larger problem is a vindictive first and soon to be ex-wife when sure enough if wifey takes action then bigamy charges follow.

A simple open and shut case showing that the number of wives a man is allowed is one. That is unless you are a Mormon and rarely the Muslims do it too.

I beat them all though when I have various GFs desiring wife status but all these women know of each other (sharing) and of course all needs to be done lawfully.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: One to many

That is not what I have often heard. Sure only a few groups do but do they indeed do.

The local police say they won’t interfere in their polygamous multi-wife marriages as long as the child bride aspect is stamped out. Yes polygamy is not lawful in the USA but most people leave those unusual Mormons alone to find the happiness they seek.

I heard a case in Canada recently of one woman wanting her right to live as a polygamous wife and going to court. She lost her case with some very questionable conclusion.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: Re:2 One to many

They call themselves Mormons and live as a sub-group of this religion and they are certainly recognized within their own communities.

Well whatever others say about them they have certainly stood up for their beliefs despite the law.

In case you are interested research what the OT and NT (Bible) say about polygamy. Maybe then you will see who follows the true religion and who twists the scriptures to match their own agenda.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re: Re:4 One to many


My point was that the Bible contains many mentions of polygamy and never once did God condemn it. I did notice a couple of recommended points in there.

So if people read the scriptures then why not follow what the belief in what those words say? That is the whole basis of religion and no one has the lawful right force others to change their beliefs.

Even the Quran is very pro-polygamy concluding that a man should have up to 4 wives. So we are starting to run off on a common religious theme here. Most Muslims stick to one I should add. ๐Ÿ™‚

The big cultural reason for monogamy is that polygamy has often been unfair to women and hurtful if misused.

E. Zachary Knight (profile) says:

Re: Re: One to many

Just wanted to emphasize GMacGuffin’s comment.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (commonly referred to as Mormons) do not practice polygamous marriages now and have not done so since 1890.

There are splinter groups such as the Fundamentalists Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that still do in violation of the law. These groups have no association with the mainstream LDS religion.

Since the 1890 Manifesto, any existing polygamous marriages were still binding and valid, but no new polygamous marriages were authorized. Any member which entered into a new polygamous marriage were excommunicated.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re:

Gee. He was simply too lazy to get one of those quick easy divorces.

He should be thankful when long ago people did not choose who they married when that was a choice of their father. Marriage was often done to obtain some family gain and love played no real part of it. Babies very common.

Then it was not that long ago that divorce was even an option and had to work down to the little people. Then some countries like the Philippines still have no divorce putting a large burden on annulment.

So he should be very thankful he could get an easy divorce but he was too stupid to actually use it.

Violated (profile) says:

Re: Re:

Do I take it then you would not desire to go to bed with two hot women at once? Ride them both? I presume by this you are a man. Many other aspects beyond that one of course.

I do have a good idea why this bigamy case came about when women are usually very keen on wedded bliss. So the wife aspect can be more a woman desire when even with knowledge they hate the mistress title.

So men like women and women like marriage. A relationship is about meeting the needs of the other.

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