Security theatre has been the goal of the TSA these past few years. Whether they're valiantly inserting their fingers into our orifices , standing bravely to defend travelers from insulin and icepacks, or simply lying to people in telling them they can't be taped during their most nefarious actions, The TSA does fake security like no other group can. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has worked harder at not producing any results than these people.

But that won't keep the NFL from trying, damn it.

Dementia writes in about a Yahoo Sports post describing the new breakthrough security technique at NFL games this year: pat-downs. That's right, the NFL is going to solve security at their games by somehow patting down seventy thousand people as they enter stadiums within roughly an hour's length of time. No, the pat-downs won't be done by federal employees, just low-paid yellow jacket-wearing folks (seriously, click the article and look at the picture, it's awesome). No there aren't any metal detectors or machine screeners a la the airport. Basically, no, these security measurements won't make anyone more...you know...secure. As Chris Chase notes:

"As far as I can tell, the only purpose gate security has is to create a mass of humanity at the entrances and comb through women's purses. The pat downs are jokes. Security personnel only checked from the waist up. If they felt anything in your pocket, their most likely recourse was to ask, "what's that?" A halfway-decent answer got you a pass."

And, as Chris also notes, if you think these measures are stupid now, just wait until the weather turns. I can just picture myself walking up to Soldier Field on a January morning in Chicago, seven layers deep between regular undergarments, long-underwear, longsleeve t-shirt, t-shirt, hoodie sweatshirt, down-insulated winter jacket, and my lovely Where's Waldo-esque scarf to tie it all together, and giving these security types a sideways glance as they attempt to pat me down. I could carry a 1967 Buick Skylark in my pants and they'd never feel it.

Why can't we stop this? Who are the NFL playing to with this nonsense? I'd like to think my fellow citizens and football consumers aren't so totally devoid of intelligence that they can't see how pointless and annoying this all is.

Since the TSA "enhanced patdown" experiences started last fall, I've heard from a variety of people who came out of the experience feeling seriously violated, with more than a few asking about legal actions they could take after feeling sexually assaulted and molested by the experience. It really is a lot more common than you might think. Many of those I've spoken with have decided that they didn't want to go public with the story of their own experience and their own feelings, because it felt so intrusive and so personal, that having to "relive" it by fighting the TSA would be just horrible. This is part of what I find most nefarious about the TSA groping brigade: like many sexual assault victims, they're put in a position where after it's over, doing something about the assault only forces you to relive the experience.

Thankfully, some people are speaking out. The latest is former Miss USA, Susie Castillo, who has posted an emotional video right after being groped by the TSA and feeling totally violated, leading her to break down and start crying: What's really bizarre is after she goes to complain to the TSA... they give her a "complaint card" to fill out as if that makes being sexually assaulted better.

In a blog post about the experience, Castillo notes that she's gone through the patdown before, but this one was much more invasive than previous ones:

Well, this pat down was completely different. It was MUCH MORE invasive than my first one at LAX, just a week before. To say that I felt invaded is an understatement. What bothered me most was when she ran the back of her hands down my behind, felt around my breasts, and even came in contact with my vagina! Honestly, I was in shock, especially since the woman at LAX never actually touched me there. The TSA employee at DFW touched private area 4 times, going up both legs from behind and from the front, each time touching me there. Was I at my gynecologist’s office? No! This was crazy!

I felt completely helpless and violated during the entire process (in fact, I still do), so I became extremely upset. If I wanted to get back to Los Angeles, I had no choice but to be violated, whether by radiation or a stranger. I just kept thinking, “What have I done to deserve this treatment as an upstanding, law-abiding American citizen?” Am I a threat to US security? I was Miss USA, for Pete’s sake!

Yes, for your safety, the TSA needs to sexually assault Miss USA.

There have been plenty of concerns about the new TSA groping procedures, especially when it comes to little children, who are properly taught from a young age that it's inappropriate for people to touch them in certain ways. Many people were quite reasonably horrified when the TSA suggested that agents tell kids that the patdown was just a game -- as that's the type of language used by child sex offenders.

Apparently, the TSA remains completely tone deaf on this issue. Jonathan Adler notes "only the TSA can touch you this way," in referencing the anger felt by the parents of a 6-year old girl who broke down crying after going through the patdown process. The girl's mother, Selena Drexel, pointed out:

"We struggle to teach our kids to protect themselves, to say 'no, it's not ok to touch me in this way in this area. Yet here we are saying it's ok for these people."

The family videotaped the incident, as you can see here: At the end of this post, we also have a clip of the parents appearing on TV discussing the incident, their daughter's reaction and how they feel about the whole thing.

Given the attention this story is getting, the TSA published a blog post, and in true tone deaf fashion, defended the patdown as being "standard operating procedures":

A video taken of one of our officers patting down a six year-old has attracted quite a bit of attention. Some folks are asking if the proper procedures were followed. Yes. TSA has reviewed the incident and the security officer in the video followed the current standard operating procedures.

The TSA does not respond to the rather serious issues of how do you teach children that they shouldn't be touched in this manner... but it's okay if a stranger in an airport does it. Does the TSA truly believe that groping a 6-year-old girl and reaching into the waistband of her pants is making us safer?

The TSA's sexual assault-as-security theater continues. The latest involves reports from a woman, who, despite having already cleared security at LaGuardia airport, was approached by a TSA agent near the gate for her flight, and told that he had to give her a pat-down on the spot, ordering her to drop her things and assume a spread-eagle position against the wall, at which point, he "patted her down," grabbing her breasts, thighs and crotch. The woman claims that two other women were given similar "security treatments," which to most people would sound like a public sexual assault. The TSA was asked about this and said it could not comment "because of security concerns." Yes, so apparently, if you want to sexually assault women at will, the TSA is the place to be and they'll cover it up for you, due to "security concerns."

Back when the TSA's new search procedures went into effect last year, there were a few efforts to subject TSA agents involved in screenings or patdowns to claims of sex offense or sexual assault laws. While I'm not convinced that this truly makes sense, I do know that I've now had conversations with a few different people who have had extremely emotional reactions to having to go through the patdowns, where they truly felt abused afterwards. Some of the accounts are downright frightening, of people who clearly were seriously impacted by the experience.

harbingerofdoom alerts us to the news of a proposed law in New Hampshire that would make the TSA search a sexual assault, where penalties would mark those convicted as Tier III sex offenders. The bill specifically "makes the touching or viewing with a technological device of a person's breasts or genitals by a government security agent without probable cause a sexual assault."

I have to admit that I'm a bit torn about this. As mentioned, I know some people who certainly have felt sexually abused by the searches/patdowns. And I have no doubt that emotional abuse is real and horrifying. I also have serious questions about the usefulness or appropriateness of these searches, and think we'd certainly be best without them. But labeling a TSA agent a sex offender for doing what the TSA requires seems like a pretty extreme response. I recognize the goal here probably isn't to get TSA agents branded sex offenders, but to create a situation that leads to a policy change. But the whole "sex offender" list concept has been abused over the years in dangerous ways, labeling all sorts of people "sex offenders" and branding them for life, even if their "crime" wasn't what one would normally consider a traditional "sex" offense. I'm not convinced that expanding that list, even if to drive a policy change, is a good idea.