Thief Steals Church Computer, Calls Church's Security Company So He Can Watch Porn

from the the-porn-identity dept

It's been several weeks, so it must be time for another story of another dumb criminal. Past iterations have included murder-conspiring butt-dialers, bank robbers bragging on YouTube, and criminals taunting law enforcement on social media. However, what has been lacking in all of these stories is the real central component of the internet, that which makes it tick: porn.

We can now rectify that omission, thanks to a God-fearing parishioner from Oklahoma who stole a computer from his church and was perhaps as surprised as he was frustrated when he couldn't watch some good old-fashioned meat-pounding on it.

An Oklahoma church employee called in a theft to cops, saying whoever stole a computer from the establishment probably attended the church or was familiar with it, because there were no signs of a break-in. He was right, but the suspect wasn't caught while say, Googling during services. A company that had monitoring software on the computer alerted the church that someone kept trying to look up pornography on the missing computer.
Stealing a church computer to watch pornography? It's almost enough to make one believe all is lost with the world. But never fear, this episode ends in a much more stupid fashion than suggested above. The church had a contract with an IT security firm, which monitored use of the machine and blocked inappropriate websites. Still, simply knowing what kind of porn someone is into isn't enough to identify them (thankfully), so police weren't able to do much with the information.

Fortunately, our idiot thief was feeling as helpful as he was horny.
Police couldn't really make a bust until said suspect contacted the software company itself, asking it to take down the monitoring software, ostensibly because he didn't want anyone watching while he surfed for porn. Police arrested the man, saying he denied taking the computer despite the fact that it was allegedly found in his home, but that he later confessed.
Here's a tip for all you cathedral criminals out there: wiping a computer back to factory settings is way easier than explaining exactly how stupid you'd have to be to call the IT security company whose software is on the computer you stole just so you could wank off to material you could probably just as easily get on your phone.



Reader Comments (rss)

(Flattened / Threaded)

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    Zem, Aug 9th, 2013 @ 12:30am

    Surely it would have been more interesting if they "DID" disabled the monitoring, and them passed the info onto the team at Prenda.

    Match made in heaven.

     

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    Wally (profile), Aug 9th, 2013 @ 12:39am

    "Stealing a church computer to watch pornography? It's almost enough to make one believe all is lost with the world."

    But all is lost in the world....Barak Obama is our president...

    Admittedly this case is kind of funny yet sort of annoyingly sad. I'm hoping the idiot gets defrocked.

     

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    PaulT (profile), Aug 9th, 2013 @ 2:41am

    Reminds me of a call I had back in my dark days of doing tech support for retail customers, albeit this was the other way round. A guy had been watching porn on his girlfriend's laptop (98 or XP, I forget which), but he'd been silly enough to allow the usual crapware. He had toolbars, wallpapers, default homepages, you name it. He desperately wanted to get rid of all the evidence before his girlfriend got back home.

    Unfortunately, it was his girlfriend's computer from work and it was part of the domain. The crapware had somehow installed so deeply that it couldn't be removed without domain admin privileges. So I had to inform the poor guy that the only people who could get rid of it was her work's IT department - or a complete reinstall of Windows (which would hardly conceal the crime. I wonder how long that relationship lasted.

    Moral of the story: if you really want to watch porn, you don't know what you're doing and it's not you're own computer, you're going to have a bad time...

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Aug 9th, 2013 @ 3:19am

    I really, really hope this guy never procreated and never will...

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Aug 9th, 2013 @ 3:28am

    Fap fap fap fap fap.....amen.

     

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    Ninja (profile), Aug 9th, 2013 @ 3:30am

    This is one of those stories that makes you facepalm so hard it hurts. So now our heavenly wanker has got himself in some mundane limbo to pay for his sins. Swift Godly punishment ;)

     

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    RyanNerd (profile), Aug 9th, 2013 @ 4:23am

    This almost makes me want to switch religions

    Perhaps to becoming a Buddhist.

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Aug 9th, 2013 @ 4:27am

    From a church? That will be really hard on his reputation.

     

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    Anonymous Howard (profile), Aug 9th, 2013 @ 4:27am

    Porn

    And they want to censor this prime criminal catching tool!

     

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    Wolfy, Aug 9th, 2013 @ 5:06am

    Yeah, pretty dumb.

    But so is believing any of that religious nonsense.

     

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      New Mexico Mark, Aug 9th, 2013 @ 6:21am

      Re:

      True belief is reflected in actions. This person's actions would seem to indicate he doesn't really believe the teachings of the Bible or (presumably) that church. This puts him in the camp of those who don't "believe any of that religious nonsense".

      In other words... he's on your side.

       

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        Wolfy, Aug 9th, 2013 @ 6:48am

        Re: In other words... he's on your side.

        Being non-religious is not synonymous with being a criminal, Buckwheat.

         

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          crade (profile), Aug 9th, 2013 @ 8:16am

          Re: Re: In other words... he's on your side.

          Whenever it seems like a christian is doing something bad.. He/she must not have been a christian because christians don't do bad things... Convienient eh? :)

           

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            John Fenderson (profile), Aug 9th, 2013 @ 9:51am

            Re: Re: Re: In other words... he's on your side.

            It's the no true Scotsman fallacy. In my opinion, religious belief is so subjective and personal that the only reasonable thing to do is to take people at their word for it. If someone tells me they're Christians/Buddhist/Pastafarian/whatever, then they are.

             

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    Anonymous Coward, Aug 9th, 2013 @ 5:15am

    "so it must be time for another story of another dumb criminal"

    It's rather refreshing amongst all the stories of "too rich to jail" criminals

     

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    Internet Zen Master (profile), Aug 9th, 2013 @ 11:08am

    There's the criminally stupid

    And then there's the "Dear God you're a moron" kind of stupid.

    This guy clearly falls into the latter category.

     

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