America: The Safest Country On Earth!

from the liberty-through-security dept

The United States is officially the Safest Country on Earth. Surveillance = safety, we've been told and, quite frankly, no other country feels as safe and secure as America does right now.

We've worked hard to achieve this status, but a half-century of increasing domestic surveillance has finally paid off. This past decade's unprecedented surveillance escalation pushed us over the top. It was difficult and it didn't make everyone happy, but no one can argue with the end result: Safest in the World!

But we don't want the rest of the world to feel this near-invulnerability is unachievable. There are many perfectly acceptable countries out there, some we call allies, some we call lifelong rivals, and some, like Russia, that we're not really sure what to call. Occasionally friendly rival? That girlfriend you keep going back to, thinking this time it will be different, but it never is?

We want all of these countries, especially our allies, to feel as safe as we do. If there's one thing we want, it's to spread the American way of life around the world. McDonald's! Coca-Cola! Eurodisney! David Hasselhoff! We're all of these things and so much more!

Right now, we have more safety than we can use and we're willing to share that surplus by setting up our (proudly made in the USA) surveillance safety net in your country. Best of all, you'll hardly know we're there. If you'd like, we can also work with you to set up your own homeland security system for a modest contingency fee (40% of data harvested [negotiable] {upwards}).

Just a cautionary note: you may notice that your citizens are not accustomed to being 100% safe, so it's not unusual to expect something akin to an allergic reaction or a donor rejecting an organ, only with more pithily worded signage and the occasional overturned police car. Don't be alarmed. With the proper amount of time and escalating obfuscation, your country should return to normal over the next 6 months - 10 years.

Also be aware that your newly-installed safety may provoke jealous reactions from neighboring countries, especially if they haven't yet experienced this sort of omnipresent security. They may become diplomatically abusive or threaten to tear up trade agreements. Again, this is perfectly normal. Just remember this: they hate you (and us) for our safety.

Here in the US, we have been fortunate to achieve ultimate safety via ultimate surveillance. Our all-encompassing data harvesting has created a virtual protective dome over our great nation. No longer do we fear the threat of terrorism. In fact, we welcome it! Many of our nation's politically and tactically important structures have had major facelifts in the form of large painted targets on all exterior surfaces, along with the phrase "Bring it!"

The administration, along with officials from various security agencies, have said there is no perfect balance between safety and privacy. We'd like to think there is -- 100% of your privacy in exchange for 100% safety. Some very recent setbacks have kept us from reaching this goal, but we will continue to work tirelessly towards it.

The United States: land of the safe, home of the Whopper.
Parlez vous Spanish?
Interesado en la seguridad de su propio país? Por favor, envíe $ 29.95M (USD) a:
9800 Salvaje Rd
Fort Meade, MD 20755
Su paquete introductoria incluye más de 400.000 líneas de teléfono pre-roscados, junto con una de una variedad de datos de usuario completamente de búsqueda a partir de una variedad de servicios de Internet, como Facebook, Google, Yahoo! y Bing! Cada paquete garantizado para contener por lo menos una (1) cuenta comprometida premium aleatoriamente insertado, tirado entre una selección de jefes de Estado vecinos! Actúe ahora! Los suministros son limitados a varios por selección clasificada.
Sprechen sie Occupied Territory?
Intéressé à la sécurisation de votre propre pays? S'il vous plaît envoyez 29.95M $ (USD) à:
9800 Savage Rd
Fort Meade, MD 20755
Votre paquet d'introduction comprend plus de 400.000 lignes téléphoniques pré-taraudés, avec un assortiment de données utilisateur entièrement interrogeables à partir d'une variété de services Internet, y compris Facebook, Google, Yahoo! et Bing! Chaque paquet garanti pour contenir au moins un (1) compte compromis prime au hasard inséré, tiré d'une sélection de chefs d'Etat voisins! Agissez maintenant! Les quantités sont limitées à plusieurs fois par nation qualification.
Ydych chi'n siarad Deustch?
Sie interessieren sich für die Sicherung Ihrer eigenen Land? Bitte senden $ 29.95M (USD) an:
9800 Savage Rd
Fort Meade, MD 20755
Ihre einleitende Paket enthält über 400.000 vorgebohrten Telefonleitungen, zusammen mit einer Auswahl von einem vollständig durchsuchbare Benutzer Daten aus einer Vielzahl von Internet-Diensten, darunter Facebook, Google, Yahoo! und Bing! Jedes Paket garantiert mindestens ein (1) zufällig eingefügt Premium Account kompromittiert, aus einer Auswahl von benachbarten Staats gezogen enthalten! Handeln Sie jetzt! Supplies sind mehrere pro qualifizierten Nation begrenzt.


Reader Comments (rss)

(Flattened / Threaded)

  1.  
    icon
    Akari Mizunashi (profile), Jul 11th, 2013 @ 7:19am

    Great. Now I see I'm going to have to ask insurgents for assistance when fighting the terrorists known as the "United States Government", or USG for short.

    Didn't Egypt just go through some of this allergic reaction recently?

    Maybe we should take notes.

     

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  2.  
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    Ninja (profile), Jul 11th, 2013 @ 7:30am

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  3.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 8:38am

    I don't understand the point of this article. Slow news day?

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  4.  
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    Jeremy2020 (profile), Jul 11th, 2013 @ 8:42am

    Re:

    I don't get it either. Seems like a masturbatory session.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  5. This comment has been flagged by the community. Click here to show it
     
    identicon
    out_of_the_blue, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 8:49am

    Okay, with two prior not understanding either, I declare this STUPID!

    And by 14-year-olds.

     

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  6.  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 9:13am

    Re: Re:

    Dunno about that, but I can't help but feel that this kind of thing would probably be best left for the comment section.

    Unless Techdirt is going for a "Friday Squid Blogging"* vibe here, I'm sorry to say that this article is simply stupid (yes, yes, I'm an AC, my opinion is as valuable as spit, but still...).



    * see Bruce Schneier's blog

     

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  7.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 9:18am

    such a shame that in achieving the 'Safest Nation in the World' title, we have alienated the majority of our own citizens (who dont feel in the least bit safe now they know that they are being watched 24/7, regardless of what they are doing, reading, saying, going etc etc) we have pissed off every other nation, none of which trust us in the slightest and have been using the surveillance ploy as a means of getting the same fucked up logic everywhere else, screwing every other country over whilst doing whatever it takes to rectify our failing economy at the expense of those others, even though we were the cause of the world's financial meltdown in the first place!! and you expect the rest of the world to be like USA? you're fuckin' kiddin' me!!

     

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  8.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 9:37am

    screw the safety net of surveillance. if people had brains we could accomplish the same thing ourselves.

     

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  9.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 9:46am

    Re: Re: Re:

    Well it's funny, in a sad way. It points to various stories on the NSA and security matters, and Tim should be able to rant like the rest of us often do. It is a blog, after all.

    Not to be all up on Tim's nuts or anything. I mean I am sitting in the bushes outside of his house, but that's just a thing I do. Also, you should see what this guy throws out, I mean the alter is looking pretty, pretty good these days.

    Also you really need to eat more fruit, Tim. It's like a burger king packaging facility exploded over here.

     

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  10.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 9:53am

    Re: Okay, with two prior not understanding either, I declare this STUPID!

    Did you not study the value of satire in college English?

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  11.  
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    Ruben, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 10:05am

    Re: Re: Okay, with two prior not understanding either, I declare this STUPID!

    Nope. She was always to busy diddling 14-year-olds.

     

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  12.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 10:21am

    I love Brass Eye!

    ....that may be relevant to your understanding of the above article.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  13.  
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    NoahVail (profile), Jul 11th, 2013 @ 10:36am

    IMPROPER-RANT-FLAG EXCEPTION on article "America: The Safest Country On Earth!".

    This error is logged for information only. There is no more information on this error.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  14.  
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    mischab1, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 10:40am

    Re:

    Are you asking what the point of satire is or did this not register as satire to you?

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  15.  
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    RyanNerd (profile), Jul 11th, 2013 @ 10:55am

    Tim Cushing modern day Jonathan Swift

    I've not read anything as far as satire that has made me laugh so hard since reading A Modest proposal

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  16.  
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    RyanNerd (profile), Jul 11th, 2013 @ 10:58am

    Here's a translation via Google of what Tim said in Spanish

    Interested in the security of their own country? Please send $ 29.95M (USD) to:
    9800 Savage Rd
    Fort Meade, MD 20755
    Your introductory package includes more than 400,000 phone lines pre-tapped, along with a variety of user data completely search from a variety of Internet services such as Facebook, Google, Yahoo! and Bing! Each package guaranteed to contain at least one (1) randomly inserted premium compromised account, drawn from a selection of neighboring heads of state! Act now! Supplies are limited to a number of assorted selection.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  17.  
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    Eponymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 11:39am

    Umm...

    Can I get a Homeland Security System for my home?



    Oh wait, I already have it included... thanks America!

     

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  18.  
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    Rekrul, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 11:43am

    Re:

    That article was written in 2007, and As she predicted, Amerika has continued to follow the steps that she laid out.

     

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  19.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 12:27pm

    I feel the most shocking revelation is that most people do not understand how total government surveillance will be turned around and used against them.

    It really makes me lose faith in the human race. I'm sure most people will understand the implications eventually, but I'm so sick of watching our species get punched in the face and always having to learn lessons the hard way.

    I guess it's just inevitable, but it's painful to watch over, and over, and over again.

     

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  20.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 1:03pm

    America: Land of the safe, home of the scared.

     

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  21.  
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    Alt0, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 1:37pm

     

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  22.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 11th, 2013 @ 3:57pm

    Nazy Germani was safe too.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  23.  
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    Capitalist Lion Tamer (profile), Jul 11th, 2013 @ 4:40pm

    Re:

    In reply to the critics' thread, let me just say this:

    Tone Of Comments Affects Articles' Perception.

    * PLS upvote comment so OP can see it.

    ** I don't think TD will ever attempt a form of squid blogging.

    *** Most humor writing (or attempted humor, according to each beholder) is at least slightly masturbatorial.

    **** One someone comes up with some sort of chargrilled fruitburger, I'll switch.

    ***** As they say: "Laugh and the world tells you how much you suck. Cry and you'd better just get off the goddamn internet 'cause it's not going to get any better."

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  24.  
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    Capitalist Lion Tamer (profile), Jul 11th, 2013 @ 4:42pm

    Re: Tim Cushing modern day Jonathan Swift

    Ryan, I appreciate the compliments ESPECIALLY considering the first word was locked to the top of this thread within minutes of the post going live. It's a welcome counterpoint. (Plus, I write on the internet, so I cherish every compliment. Perhaps too much.)

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  25.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Jul 13th, 2013 @ 5:34am

    Unfortunately for you, the U.S. are not the safest country on the planet. Compare, for example, to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, where we haven't seen terrorist attacks, riots or even strikes for decades. (In fact, we've seen almost nothing at all from what's happening there, but that's another story.)

    The U.S.A. have a long way to go before achieving such levels of security. Still, it's encouraging to see efforts are underway to accomplish such.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  26.  
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    John Smith, Jan 4th, 2014 @ 4:49pm

    USA safest country on Earth?

    What is you source that backs up the claim that you are the safest country on Earth. Safety through security dept? I've done a few searches, whoever the F they are, they don't appear to exist.

    Try this one. "Global finance magazine"
    http://www.gfmag.com/tools/global-database/ne-data/11941-most-peaceful-countries.html#axzz2 pTnWwq97

    You will have to scroll to the bottom of the list to find the USA.

    The USA is ranked at number 88. Below the UK and Australia at 29 and 22 (don't those guys have gun control?) Countrys like Croatia and Estonia and even Botswania have a higher rating then the USA. The USA is a couple of places above Bangledesh, congratulations on that.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]

  27.  
    identicon
    John Smith, Jan 4th, 2014 @ 5:08pm

    USA safest place on Earth?

    Ok, I am now feeling like a total dick.

    I didn't read past the first few lines at the top of the page. I thought you really were some deranged Gun nut that thinks the USA is the safest place on Earth.

    I found you through a search "USA safest place on Earth" I couldn't find ANYBODY, that thought that the USA was a safe place.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]


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