Protip: After Committing Drunken Hit And Run...Don't Brag About It On Facebook

from the still-just-saying dept

You know those really sweet movies revolving around mastermind criminals? The ones where bumbling police have no shot at catching the guy/girl/team? Maybe it's the worst James Bond ever (barely edging out Timothy Dalton) stealing some artwork while fornicating with the Lethal Weapon girl. Or else it's half of Fight Club, the one interesting character from ER, and most of the remaining acting world robbing everyone on the planet in the most mind-numbingly convoluted manner possible. The lesson here is that criminals are freaking smart. So smart, in fact, that attempting to stop them is only playing into their hands, twisting police and federal agents around into pretzels wrapped more tightly than the knots on the ropes with which the criminals repelled out of the banks. You just can't stop crime, because criminals are too good.

It turns out that Hollywood (shockingly) is wrong. Criminals are stupid. More specifically, they stupidly like to brag about their crimes, such as the woman who robbed a bank and then created a YouTube video about it. And now we can add an idiotic, drunk driving teen to the list, who side-swiped a couple of cars on New Years Day and then rushed to Facebook to post about it.
Jacob Cox-Brown, 18, of Astoria, Ore., about 100 miles west of Portland, was with friends when, police say, he posted the status update on his Facebook page: "Drivin drunk... classsic ;) but to whoever's vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P"

In an interview with ABC affiliate KATU-TV in Portland, Cox-Brown says the post was meant as a joke. But his friends who spotted the update didn't see the humor behind it. Instead, one friend sent a private message to an Astoria police officer's personal Facebook account while another friend called police Sgt. Brian Aydt.
Acting like such an assclown that even the people that know you turn you in to the police... classic! Seriously, if I had to decide which was better evidence that this young man doesn't deserve a driver's license, either the fact that he drank and drove or that he thought it would be okay to say so on a public social media platform after hitting two cars... well, I mean both are horrible, but I think the latter is dumber and I don't want someone that dumb behind the wheel of anything.

Jet Ski Car
No, not even that travesty of an automobile.
Image source: CC BY 2.0

Look, let's make this simple: don't drink and drive. But, if you do drink and drive, make sure you're the kind of moron that posts about it on social media. Better yet, just drive to the nearest police department, park your car on their front lawn, and pass out at their front door. You'll be saving us all a great deal of trouble.



Reader Comments (rss)

(Flattened / Threaded)

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    Zakida Paul (profile), Jan 7th, 2013 @ 1:50pm

    Anyone who breaks the law and then publicly brags about it on the Internet deserves whatever they get. What a monumental bellend.

     

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    weneedhelp (profile), Jan 7th, 2013 @ 2:22pm

    This guy

    Every group has this guy
    And if you cannot identify "that guy" in your group... its you! LOL.

     

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    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Jan 7th, 2013 @ 2:40pm

    YODO

    PROTIP #2

    Don't tweet:
               Drunk af going 120 drifting corners #FuckIt YOLO


    He only dun goofed and died seconds after.... really
    Proving once and for all that YOLO is a retarded saying to rationalize retarded actions.


    https://twitter.com/ink2flashyy/status/242174861416484865

     

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    Pickle Monger (profile), Jan 7th, 2013 @ 2:50pm

    Let's get the priorities straight!

    Maybe it's the worst James Bond ever (barely edging out Timothy Dalton)...

    Woah there! Timothy Dalton was far better than either Roger Moore or George Lazenby or even Pierce Brosnan. In fact, Dalton's Bond was the closest to the James Bond from the books.

     

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      Anonymous Coward, Jan 7th, 2013 @ 3:00pm

      Re: Let's get the priorities straight!

      There is only one Bond Sean Connery

       

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      PaulT (profile), Jan 8th, 2013 @ 1:07am

      Re: Let's get the priorities straight!

      Brosnan wasn't a bad Bond, he just get some terrible scripts to work with. As the character he was fine, but he was definitely in some of the worst movies (though Moonraker will always be the shark jumping moment for me - and believe me, it takes a lot for me to think something's worse than CGI Bond "stunts" from Brosnan's last film!).

      Dalton worked OK as the Bond from the books rather than the movies, but he had a similar problem with being cast as the character when nobody really knew which direction to move him in once the cold war was collapsing.

       

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      RadialSkid (profile), Jan 8th, 2013 @ 10:36am

      Re: Let's get the priorities straight!

      Agreed. I rank Dalton second to Connery as the best Bond. Worst is probably goofy-ass Roger Moore, though I'm not really a fan of the overly serious, unsophisticated (beer-drinking, Texas Hold 'Em playing) Daniel Craig.

       

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        Tex Arcana (profile), Jan 9th, 2013 @ 8:48pm

        Re: Re: Let's get the priorities straight!

        I disagree: Craig embodies the spirit of Bond quite well--sophisticated, educated, tough as nails, quick-thinking, willing to do what it takes to get the job done.

        Read the books (the ORIGINALS, not the lame-ass copycats), and try to remember the times during which they were written, and you might just get it.

         

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    Ezekial, Jan 7th, 2013 @ 3:14pm

    Assholes

    I think we should ENCOURAGE people to do this. That way we can get those bastards off the road and identify them so we can avoid them at all costs

     

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    That Anonymous Coward (profile), Jan 7th, 2013 @ 3:26pm

    Facebook... wading pool for the shallow end of the gene pool.

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Jan 7th, 2013 @ 3:53pm

    (barely edging out Daniel Craig)
    Fixed that for you.

    Well, maybe. Not much could be worse than Daniel Craig as James Bond. Except maybe the impostors in the 2009 "Star Trek" movie.

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Jan 7th, 2013 @ 6:24pm

    what does this have to do with copyright? Nothing!

    you're losin it Tim

     

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      Anonymous Coward, Jan 7th, 2013 @ 6:48pm

      Re:

      Wow, nothing ever pleases you idiots. You whine when they write about copyright and whine when they don't. How could you remark that Tim is [sic] losin it when you never had it to begin with, darryl?

       

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        G Thompson (profile), Jan 7th, 2013 @ 9:39pm

        Re: Re:

        Wow, nothing ever pleases you idiots.

        See there is your problem. You are trying to please idiots.. can't be done, and trying to please them leads only to insanity and drink (or both).

         

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      Ninja (profile), Jan 8th, 2013 @ 5:42am

      Re:

      Except that the site is not about copyright only (if you scroll a bit in the main page you'll see quite a few fresh examples). Except that there's NO copyright on the tags. Except that it involves social media, a topic often discussed here.

      You new in TD?

       

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    That One Guy (profile), Jan 7th, 2013 @ 7:03pm

    To all potential future lawbreakers:

    Please, ignore this article. Despite what it says, we all very much want to read about/see videos of your exploits on facebook, youtube, twitter and as many other social media sites as you can post them on.

    Also pay no attention to the idea that doing such is a quick way to get arrested, that only happens to lame people, and could certainly never happen to a master criminal like yourself.

    Signed,
    The schadenfreude loving popcorn industry

     

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    mewofforcena, Jan 7th, 2013 @ 10:49pm

    I guess he's gonna make some Cox-Brown in jail...

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Jan 8th, 2013 @ 1:49am

    Secrecy is key for the smart criminal.

     

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    Pro, Jan 8th, 2013 @ 8:24am

    Tip

    Use Friendster instead.

     

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    Michael, Jan 8th, 2013 @ 9:31am

    "Criminals are stupid"


    I am building a class action suit against you libel. A sweeping, ignorant comment like this that denigrates a group of people cannot be tolerated in a civil society.

    I ask all criminals to send an email to: policechief@oaklandca.org listing your name, address, and details of your latest criminal offence (to make sure you qualify for the class).

    We will make sure this cannot happen to anyone else - and you will get paid to do it!

     

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    Tex Arcana (profile), Jan 9th, 2013 @ 9:02pm

    Good criminals are smart, VERY smart.

    They take shit from you, and you don't even know its been taken. They move throughout our society, taking what they want or need, and they do it so well, they're never seen or found; sometimes, they get someone else altogether blamed and convicted for their crimes.

    Many of them even have scruples: they may steal, but they never steal so much that it permanently damages anyone, other than some mild annoyances.

    It's the stupid ones we always hear about: the idiot in this article; dumb gangstas that post pics of the spinnaz they stole on their cars the very same day; politicians getting caught getting blowjobs from their mistresses, or bribes from their "benefactors"; pedopriests and pedopreachers; Big Banks and their taxpayer muggings.

    If I had to be a crook, I'd be the former for sure. But I'm too dumb to be dishonest. :-(

     

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