$exytime: Thanks To An Easily Exploitable System, Three Lawyers Have 'Patented Sex'*

from the when-two-people-love-each-other-very-much-and-have-secured-licensing... dept

*No, not really.

We all yearn for several things, among them true patent reform and the touch of another human being. Especially there. And there. But maybe not there... at least not without some... but I digress. The U.S. has long held to the notion of "first to invent," rather than "first inventor to file." Until recently, that is. The America Invents Act silenced critics who complained that "first to invent" made the system slightly harder to exploit. But that's all behind us now. As these three lawyers point out in their hilarious parody video, "first inventor to file" opens the door for some pretty devious behavior. (CAUTION: Probably NSFW. Contains sexual terminology, some light swearing and Patrick Leahy.)

There's a lot to love in the video, even if the opening is a little slow (but entirely necessary). If you're a patent wonk (does such a thing exist?), shout-outs to patent laws (PL 112-29, yo) and an appearance by David Kappos, the director of the USPTO, will provide a few thrills. If you're everyone else, there's a ton of sexual verbiage and Patrick Leahy, both Obamas and Michael Jackson all get name checked. Keep your eyes peeled for a distracted patent officer 'rubber-stamping' an application.

All in all, it's good clean fun that takes a few jabs at the more ludicrous aspects of the patent process. I'd love to see them expand this idea out further, perhaps encompassing some of the research aspects, like somehow making Google's Prior Art finder harvest results from Google Images. Or checking a sexual partner for infringement by requiring a list of past partners and positions. Or maybe tackle the "patent troll" angle: the guy who patents sex but never actually performs the act.



Reader Comments (rss)

(Flattened / Threaded)

  1.  
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    Alana (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 1:43pm

    Wait, if we have sex does that mean we'd be infringing on their patents and be sued out of a gazillion dollars?


    ...By god. This will be the end of humanity as we know it.

     

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  2.  
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    SujaOfJauhnral (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 2:28pm

    Re:

    We should counter by patenting breathing, that way everyone would be fucked. As a result we will be sued for gazillions of dollars for infringing on their sex patent, but then we can counter sue them for infringing on our breathing patent (I'm under the assumption they aren't robots in disguise and need to breathe) thus creating a sue paradox.

    Hopefully, it'll cancel itself out, and patents will cease to exist. Of course, it could just cause everyone and everything to be smashed into fifty billion pieces. Worth the risk IMO.

     

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  3.  
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    Dark Helmet (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 2:28pm

    Re:

    "...By god. This will be the end of humanity as we know it."

    Nonsense. Sex is enhanced when you feel like you're doing something dirty or dangerous. All this does is make sex more fun.

    "Not only am I banging you, I'm violating a patent too!" *makes "O" face....

     

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  4.  
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    Alana (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 2:30pm

    Re: Re:

    "We should counter by patenting breathing, that way everyone would be fucked"

    I'm sorry, the word "Fucked" and it's associated words "Fuck", "Fucking", "Fucker", "Jesus Fuckballs This Is Stupid" have all been filed for patenting, trademarking, and copyright. This "holy trinity" -- which has also been copyrighted, patented, and trademarked, by the way-- will automatically penalize anyone who uses a particular 4-lettered word combination out of 1 billion dollars.

    We are of the firm belief that this will further innovation by preventing the complete and total use of a particular series of words.

    You're welcome.

    /s

     

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  5.  
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    Get off my cyber-lawn! (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 2:32pm

    USPTO should have patented this....

    they are the ones F-ing everyone now anyways. Might as well do the deed and then charge us for having it done to us!

    HEY, that could fix our national budget issue!

     

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  6.  
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    Tunnen (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 2:42pm

    Mwa ha ha ha.... I've patented the act of human mating for both recreational and procreational reasons. I figure, if I can't have any, no one else can either! =P

     

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  7.  
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    Tunnen (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 2:44pm

    Re: Re:

    I'd tell you where you could stick that patent.... though that act may also violate it. =P

     

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  8.  
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    Glen, Sep 6th, 2012 @ 2:55pm

    Or maybe tackle the "patent troll" angle: the guy who patents sex but never actually performs the act. Genius!!!

     

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  9.  
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    DCX2, Sep 6th, 2012 @ 3:02pm

    Re:

    ...By god. This will be the end of humanity as we know it.

    No, we still have in-vitro fertilization. In fact, I'm willing to bet that some firm that's big on IVF wants the patent on natural sex as a way of shutting down the competition.

     

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  10.  
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    Alana (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 3:04pm

    Re: Re:

    It's obviously a conspiracy to prevent overpopulation!

     

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  11.  
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    Alana (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 3:14pm

    Re: Re:

    Ah, but I said "As we know it".

    Things may turn out for the better... *Evil grin*

     

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  12.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 6th, 2012 @ 3:27pm

    Fap Fap Fap Fap....

     

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  13.  
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    DCX2, Sep 6th, 2012 @ 3:47pm

    Re:

    Someone didn't get the memo that this is No Fap September...

     

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  14.  
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    kh (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 4:25pm

    Re: Re: Re:

    England calling. We want our language back. From here on you have to pay us to use English. Go invent your own language.

     

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  15.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 6th, 2012 @ 4:32pm

    Booty Bay

    Would I be called a SEX pirate if I don't pay or a Sexy Pirate?...and then just how exactly does one download it? anybody got any links...Is there a Booty bay?

     

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  16.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 6th, 2012 @ 4:34pm

    Finally! Something worth Pirating!

     

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  17.  
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    Tunnen (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 4:40pm

    Re:

    Every time someone faps, a patent troll gets his horns. =P

     

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  18.  
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    Chronno S. Trigger (profile), Sep 6th, 2012 @ 5:12pm

    Re: Re: Re: Re:

    We did, haven't you ever listened to most of us talk?

     

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  19.  
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    Rekrul, Sep 6th, 2012 @ 5:32pm

    I was enjoying the video until the (c)rap 'music' started, which is where I turned it off.

     

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  20.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 7th, 2012 @ 3:34am

    Sexlectual property

     

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  21.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 7th, 2012 @ 7:19am

    Lets start the PenetrationBay

     

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  22.  
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    Anonymous Coward, Sep 7th, 2012 @ 7:39am

    Stupid video... It's stupid, stupid, stupid and.. stupid... you can't patent sex. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It's so stupid It's not even bright, funny or useful. Just stupid. Stupid. And stupid.

     

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  23.  
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    Gregg, Sep 7th, 2012 @ 7:56am

    When a group of people write a computer program to be used productively in this world, they generally follow a system development life cycle; that process(being in layman's terms) should go through the stages of a stated purpose, functional research, technical design, a development process, a QA(testing) process, implementation and then maintenance for it's life span. There are more details to the stages of the cycle, but I'm trying to keep it simple.

    The Law's of our society, where in theory (but not always practice) it should follow the same process. When we are looking at developing a law or policy for people and organizations to follow, these laws and policies act much like a computer program. People and Organizations are supposed to know the rules they have to follow and trust that these rules will allow them to complete their purpose or task.... but often the bits and bytes do not co-operate or follow the rules... you can fill in the blanks from here.

    A big problem that exists today with the making of laws and policies (and wow are there many of them) is that there is no QA process to the life cycle of the law before it is implemented. So little is put into the process of seeing how a new law can affect other laws, organizations, people or just basic common sense. Laws and policies are often knee jerk reactions, politicians "wet dreams" or more often than not, the secret agenda of a lobby group (cough..big industry...cough...home land security...cough ;)

    The QA comes at the end of the life cycle in the form of the courts and this is super super expensive, slow...oh so slow and not always granted.

    The Government could make life simpler if they just put in the court system QA before a law or policy is put into effect. This would save the world (and big industry) billions of dollars and billions of man hours in having so many laws and policies debated after they have been created. Not to say that the courts would not be busy, but it would help make laws that are more sound in judgement and fairness to all parties before they are voted on in the legislature.

    And like all computer programs, laws and policies should have a “drop support date” and become retired after a certain duration of time automatically. People shouldn’t have to fight so hard to get laws retired or changed.

    This is where the Patent laws fail the public, the greater good and free market.

     

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  24.  
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    Dirkmaster (profile), Sep 7th, 2012 @ 8:14am

    o o o

    You guys can patent sex, I'm gonna patent Jesus, God (big and little g), and Jehovah. That way, I can sue organizations that actually have money! Hell, the SBC license alone will be more than the GDP of many smaller European nations.

    Yippee!

     

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  25.  
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    Sheogorath (profile), Sep 7th, 2012 @ 10:40pm

    Re: Re: Re: Re:

    @ kh: I've just been handed a subpoena which states that all English speakers are being sued for unlicensed use of Latin, Old Norse, and Old English.
    Remember, folks, *nothing* is truly original! :D

     

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  26.  
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    Steve, Sep 9th, 2012 @ 9:53pm

    Pay for Sex?

    Think about this, if, or whenever, every time you had sex you'd have to send a check to the patent holders on sex. AND lady's of the evening would have to buy a license from the patent holders before they could use sex, or face a hefty fine from the patent police. Scary thougt

     

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  27.  
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    Steve, Sep 9th, 2012 @ 10:36pm

    Sex Patent

    Does the sex patent also apply to animals ??? If yes then I want the patent on Bunny's, mice, cats, dogs, ants, and any and all other animals that reproduce fast.

    For all pet owners will have to buy a license any and every time their animal has sex. And if the pet owner has a female pet that has a litter (or whatever they call some of the animals), the owner will have to buy a license for each animal in the litter.

    As for ants and such, the person owning the property where the ants, and such, reside may as well just hand over the title to their house, car, boat, trailor ... no Wait ... if I get all that then I'LL be the owner who has to pay, but I can't pay myself ... can I ???

     

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  28.  
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    Steve, Sep 9th, 2012 @ 10:45pm

    Does the sex patent cover certain positions or does it just have a blanket approach???

    Does the sex patent define what sex is? I remember a certain president who redefined a certain sex act.

    And woe be unto the parents who has a child playing doctor. Is there a minimum age where play turns into sex???

    What if astronauts have sex in space. Does the sex patent include the entire universe??? Maybe even ET's?? And who is going to go up {out} there to issue the summons?

    This thread is like a LOT of our laws ,,, stupid, knee-jerk reaction, and a COMPLETE lack of intelligence and common sense on the part of our law makers.

     

    reply to this | link to this | view in thread ]


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