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Bleeding Edge

by Tim Cushing

Wed, Jun 22nd 2011 1:14am




Filed Under:
iran, space


Iran Says 'Me Too' To The Space Race; Pledges To Launch A Monkey Into Space By The End Of The Summer

from the oddly,-there's-no-mention-of-'monkey-retrieval' dept

Iran, perhaps still power-tripping after its "we'll just build our own internet" announcement, has decided that the space race is its to win, despite having given other countries up to a 63-year headstart. Last year's successful launch of "stuff found in the yard" into space (namely, a rat, some turtles and some worms) has snowballed into a full-fledged plan for a manned space program, tenatively scheduled to being sometime in 2020, with a monkey making the trip, this summer.

This newest simian recruit will join several other less-"manned" vehicles in orbit, including the Rassad-1 (Observation 1) satellite and four other satellites (still unnamed, although my money's on "Rassad 2-5") to be launched by 2012. The Rassad-1 has a 60-day life span (easily rivaling most major retail store return policies) and will be used to "photograph the planet and transmit images," albeit in a non-spying sort of way, according to the government-owned media.

If successful, Iran will join other world superpowers in launching rocket-powered, monkey-navigated vehicles across the metaphorical alkali flats of space, including the United States (1948), France (1967), the Soviet Union (1983 -- and the only country to use real live astronauts as test monkeys) and Argentina (1969 -- although its first attempt fell short of the international definition of space and was recorded as only "like my roommate 70% of the time -- really, really high").

Western powers have expressed concern that this belated space program is really just a ballistic missle plan in astronaut's clothing. However, Tehran has denied any such connection between their newest rocket plans and their older plans for cobbling together nuclear devices out of whatever plutonium anyone can throw their way. Various government spokespersons (ha! they're actually all male!) stated that further press releases would be issued via their proprietary internet as "classified internal memos."

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    Chargone (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 2:05am

    *cannot decide if he should laugh or facepalm*

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 2:20am

    Bush into space?!

     

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    Major, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 2:43am

    Wait, what ?!

    That may be just me sidestepping the subject but :

    I fail to understand why so many people/countries are willing to spend so much money to go into space, they cannot win...

    Man, just look at all those MPAA/RIAA lawyers and/or chills : their logical fallacies is already a few galaxy away !

    They already won the damn race ! Sorry Iran...

    Can someone help them to get back down here now ? In my lifespan please ?

     

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      senshikaze (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 4:00am

      Re: Wait, what ?!

      as nonsensical as that reply was, I am going to try to answer your question:
      We have to go into space. There are thousands of reasons, but, to me, the most important one is the fact that we(humans) will go extinct if anything happens to this planet, our sun, or solar system. It is a must that we spread our population across this solar system, and hopefully in time, across many more. We know our sun has about 4~ billion years before it tries to kill us. I hope humanity survives past then.

       

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        Major, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 4:45am

        Re: Re: Wait, what ?!

        Maybe i was being too obvious :)

        I agree with you completely btw. The sad truth is that if WE were not so busy suing each other we would probably have the technology to do long distance space travel by now.

        And sorry i was just trying to be funny, my bad... :'(

         

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          senshikaze (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 5:58am

          Re: Re: Re: Wait, what ?!

          no, it was my fault. Like I said above, it was nonsensical, I should have taken a hint. :)

          And yes, a sue happy population is a very, very, very bad thing, for more reasons than just space travel.

           

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        ChrisB (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 6:34am

        Re: Re: Wait, what ?!

        I've heard this argument before. Even Stephen Hawking says we need to go into space to escape global warming. Here's the problem. No matter how bad things get on Earth -- global warming, ice age, zombies -- it will still be 1000x better and easier than living in space or on a hostile planet like Mars. The only hope we have is if we find a planet similar to Earth, with 20% oxygen atmosphere, liquid water, and food we can eat. But the idea we can colonize the moon or Mars is just ridiculous. We'd have an easier time "colonizing" the bottom of the ocean.

         

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          senshikaze (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 7:35am

          Re: Re: Re: Wait, what ?!

          yes, but what do we do when the sun expands and devours the only earth we have? I would rather a hard life in space then complete destruction of the human race.

           

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            McBeese, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 5:33pm

            Re: Re: Re: Re: Wait, what ?!

            Umm... mankind will be long gone from this planet when the Sun devours it. You realize that our existence on this planet is just a tiny blip in it's history, right? The dinosaurs were around a lot longer than humans have been so far, and they were a blip too. Some random event like an asteroid collision or another Republican government is much more likely to wipe us out than a solar event.

             

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            McBeese, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 5:34pm

            Re: Re: Re: Re: Wait, what ?!

            Umm... mankind will be long gone from this planet when the Sun devours it. You realize that our existence on this planet is just a tiny blip in it's history, right? The dinosaurs were around a lot longer than humans have been so far, and they were a blip too. Some random event like an asteroid collision or another Republican government is much more likely to wipe us out than a solar event.

             

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          iBelieve, Jun 23rd, 2011 @ 8:32pm

          Re: Re: Re: Wait, what ?!

          This is it. There is no other planet we will ever be able to successfully colonize. That is why so many people get a little upset with corporations and governments wanting to pillage the resources for profit or blow this planet up. Plus, deep down, we are all living with the knowledge that is has already been predicted. That doesn't leave a whole lot of room for hope that these people running the show are really capable of running the show.

           

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    KGWagner (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 3:15am

    Meep! Meep!

    Somehow, this reminds me of the desperate measures of Wile E. Coyote. I can just see a SCUD missile in a crate labelled "ACME" on the side waiting in the middle of the desert for Achmed to light the fuse on.

     

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    Di Fiasco (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 5:38am

    'monkey' - That's no way to talk about your supreme leader!

     

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    William N (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 6:16am

    ...and it goes on like this.

    Way to work in the Simpsons reference.

     

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    Monkey?, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 6:29am

    Monkey?

    They were going to send a woman, but they respected the monkey more.

     

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    OC, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 6:38am

    The beginning of the Zensunni Wanderers...

     

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    Overcast (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 6:48am

    They were going to send a woman, but they respected the monkey more.

    Most insightful response I've seen to this, lol

     

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    Jesse (profile), Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 7:12am

    Basic human rights first, space race later.

    Also: "race"? A little late?

     

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    AJ, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 7:51am

    Been there....

    A monkey? That's so 1960's,, you really want to make a statement? Launch a friggin elephant into orbit... now that, would be impressive!

     

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    John Nemesh, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 9:10am

    I didnt know....

    I didnt know President Ahmadinejad was an astronaut! Good for him!

     

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    Rekrul, Jun 22nd, 2011 @ 5:44pm

    Newsflash: Iran scrubs plans for manned space launch when its scientists realize that the astronauts won't be able to kneel for daily prayers.

     

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    iBelieve, Jun 23rd, 2011 @ 8:23pm

    The monkey is a smoke screen. They are launching spy technology into space to spy on the US or worse. They could easily acquire the life support data from decades of launches from around the globe. Its almost funny to hear this about a monkey.. I feel sorry for the Iranian monkey, assuming its a real monkey and Iranian.

     

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