Capitalist Lion Tamer's Favorite Techdirt Posts Of The Week

from the don't-mess-with-the-lion-tamer dept

The Capitalist Lion Tamer has only been commenting on Techdirt for a short while, but he's quickly jumped to the top of many people's "favorites" lists, and regularly has his own comments score highly on both the insightful and funny scales. We figured why not set him loose on doing his own favorites of the week post, and it appears he delivered the goods.

Gather round, my kool-aid drinking, freetard brethren. It was quite the week at Techdirt. Posts flew nearly as fast as the comments, but nothing could ever keep up with the hectic pace set by a piece detailing (yet) another governmental overreach, via ICE and the Department of Homeland Security. An actual lawyer broke down the unconstituitonality of the domain name seizures which, like any Masnick-supported statement, was soon overrun by ACs, drawn like trolls to a flame.

This would not be the first time the trolls had defended an indefensible position, however. (See also: Techdirt posts "Water is Wet" and "Hitler is Evil," the latter of which resulted in the internet's first ever "Preemptive Godwin." There was considerably more discussion on Mike's post "Pain Don't Hurt," which many felt was more of an opinion rather than an actual fact.)

Otherwise, it was business as usual. Close-minded businesses, as usual, held their race to the top of the "Least Popular" charts. Internet hero Twitter led the charge, having apparently decided now that it was big (Charlie Sheen big!), it was no longer "Jenny from the block," and began stomping all over the little third-party people who had helped it on its way up. On the plus side, they've been given free rein to start cranking out 140-character lies in 2031.

AT&T got in on the action as well, having decided that not enough people thought of them as evil and greedy, announcing that their brand of unlimited internet would become surprisingly limited. Exhibit A in their defense was the rhetorical 2% of users who might actually hit the 150GB cap. When the other 98% see their bills escalating, we'll hear more about this.

These words are barely out of AT&T's mouth when BT stepped up and stated: "It's the infrastructure, stupid," doffing their broadband caps and stating everything's cool because of their earlier network investment.

Elsewhere, one of our favorite industries, the one in charge of all music ever, is still reeling from the aftershocks of 8-track duplication. Their Rasputin-like ability to shrug of industry killer after industry killer is impressive, considering this dates all the way back to the day when blank sheet music first hit the market. There is some speculation that killing the music industry may actually have to involve real killing. (Note: I am absolutely not advocating the killing of music industry figures, but start with Bon Jovi.)

The same thing appears to be true of the movie industry, whose new champion, Chris Dodd, has promised to usher in a "new era of ignorance" (not an actual quote, trolls). His opening statement seems to set the agenda, equating infringement with looting. Phew! Now I can finally go back to jacking television sets without fear of reprisal. Worst case scenario: they shut down my hosting, in which case I'll have to go live in the storage shed with all my infringed-upon stereos, TVs and DVD players.

But Dodd won't be able to rest on his $1.5 million worth of laurels quite yet as his industry's love of staggered release windows (and hatred of their potential customers) has just been dealt an extremely low-tech blow from a startup called Zediva. Their plan? Harness the power of hundreds of single DVD players, each remotely controlled by a user on the other end of the internet. Take that, gatekeepers! And technology in general! And say goodbye to rental staggering, region restrictions and PPV limitations. (For now. Oh, and they're already full up.)

The New York Times finally finishes its threatened paywall. Fortunately, they're way ahead of the game, having spent $40 million for the opportunity to lose even more money. The grand experiment in WTF-ness ups the WTF-ness by debuting in Canada.

Our government, not wanting to seem more popular than the industries they were protecting, made plenty of godawful moves of their own. First and foremost was yet another depressing development in the Bradley Manning case. State Department spokesperson PJ Crowley agreed with 99% of everyone not currently in the White House, calling Manning's confinement and treatment "ridiculous and counterproductive and stupid." Shortly thereafter, he was asked to clean out his office, starting with that pesky conscience of his.

With conscience safely removed, the military found itself ready to move about the social networks, swelling its ranks with trollish sock puppets. But don't worry, they only want to target "foreigners." A quick scan of Youtube comment threads shows the operation is well underway.

At long last, Techdirt gets its first topless shot, thanks to some more TSA "business as usual." Careful with that link, though. I know you're saying, "I want to get there before there's a line!" but it may not be what you're expecting. Plus, someone wrote all over it.

IP Czar Victoria Espinel expressed concern that the overreaching laws don't overreach enough, expanding their coverage area to include such easily abused vagaries as "organized criminal enterprises/gangs," "wiretap authority for copyright/trademark offenses" and the ever popular "infringement by streaming," the last of which is sure to finally kill off the "IP Freely" joke.

Of course, private citizens hate leaving all of the vindictively ignorant action to big businesses and big government. Case in point: a mother sues her daughter's preschool for failing to make her child into Harvard material. Harvard admissions responded by stating, "She's four years old. Good lord. Have a little perspective. Try Brown."

Speaking of private citizens, here's what your fellow citizens think of your public cell phone usage. From the "It's All in the Way You Ask the Question" department, a recent study found that 9 out 10 cell phone users think other cell phone users are inconsiderate clods. Unrelated: 9 out 10 people who actually still go to the theater all silently hated on the guy who took a call during a pivotal second act scene. The tenth person was unavailable for comment as he was still in mid-phone call.

Well, I apologize in arrears for the length of this post. Now that I've made the front page, I should probably open up my wallet and spring for one of those popular "Redskins Insider" badges people keep talking/suing about.


Reader Comments (rss)

(Flattened / Threaded)

  •  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Mar 19th, 2011 @ 12:45pm

    Let's get this over with

    Freetards.
    Kool-aid.
    Mike wrote this.
    There's more to this story.
    FUD.
    Copyright infringement is theft.
    Ad-hominem attack.
    This cartoon is soooooooo unfunny.


    Now that that's out of the way, let's carry on with our lives.

     

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    Jay (profile), Mar 19th, 2011 @ 1:00pm

    But... But... Piracy!

    Ok, thread complete

     

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    Atkray (profile), Mar 19th, 2011 @ 1:37pm

    Mercy Killings?

    "There is some speculation that killing the music industry may actually have to involve real killing. (Note: I am absolutely not advocating the killing of music industry figures, but start with Bon Jovi.)"

    He seems to be suffering horribly.
    Any chance someone can take him to the Vet an have him put to sleep?

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Mar 19th, 2011 @ 3:56pm

    Good job. My new favorite word is WTFness.

     

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      Anonymous Coward, Mar 19th, 2011 @ 4:15pm

      Re:

      I really enjoyed this part: and the ever popular "infringement by streaming," the last of which is sure to finally kill off the "IP Freely" joke.

       

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    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Mar 19th, 2011 @ 7:48pm

    So many wasted electrons.

     

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    Anonymous Coward, Mar 19th, 2011 @ 9:47pm

    When I see the shills, I agree with AC #10. It seems we should find some manner to donate all those wasted electrons to AT&T so they can recoup some of them to help with the caps. Seems a shame they don't have the personal to continually dump buckets of electrons in the pipes through a funnel to alleviate the problem.

    Nice recap, Capitalist Lion Tamer. One of the better I've read since this started. Always appreciate the humor.

     

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    charliebrown (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 5:45am

    I enjoyed that :)

    If I was choosing my favorite posts, this would be my choice

     

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      Capitalist Lion Tamer (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 2:10pm

      Re: I enjoyed that :)

      Thanks, charliebrown and various ACs. I had fun putting it together. It was a little light on Friday posts thanks to other stuff getting in the way of spending the afternoon in front of the computer, but I tried to get a fair sampling of TD propaganda.

      And in response to this moronic comment on DH's guest post:

      "Hey DH, did you get paid for this post? If not, then you are losing because Mike *is* getting paid for your post through on page ads. You should be getting a cut. When you do the work for him then he gets paid even more than usual."

      No, DH and Marcus and everyone else who has picked their weekly favorites or posted a guest post are NOT getting paid for their work. But why should we? What difference would that make?

      If this post (or any of the others) went viral and grabbed millions of hits, thus forcing Mike Masnick to buy a second house just to hold his money, I wouldn't expect to get a cut of that. It's HIS site. He did all the work. He's the one gathering information and posting articles several hours a day. He's the one that drives the traffic here.

      This is called "connecting with your fans." I'm not surprised you've never heard of it. They only talk about it ALL THE TIME here, but you're too busy reducing the entire world into a collection of tiny indignities, each one hellbent on screwing you out of a paycheck.

      I lost nothing but a little time to put this post together. And I was happy to do it. Here's the part that's really going to blow your avaricious little mind: I profit from this.

      No, I don't get ad revenue or referral bonuses or anything like that. I get exposure.

      Let me break that down:

      I'm a writer. I'm not a professional writer or anything close to that. I've been published a few places but nowhere major. I also have my own blog.

      Now, I realize this combination of "writer+blog" makes me about as rare as a band that was influenced by the Velvet Underground, but to me, it's a hobby that I'd like to see expand.

      Do I comment ONLY to get my URL out there? No. I don't. If that's all I wanted, I'd limit myself to echoing others and using as few words as possible.

      I do it because I like to. I find these comments threads, unlike the threads at many other sites, to be fascinating, humorous and sometimes, infuriating.

      Other commenters may have other motives. Some may just want to add their two cents and nothing more. Still others may be doing the same writer/blog/whatever thing that I am. But underneath it all, it's a chance to get heard on a heavily-trafficked site. That's a win in my book. Getting paid is the last thing from my mind.

      I cannot fathom your worldview. Everything in life is zero sum. If Mike's "winning" with guest posts then the guests are "losing." If Mike's making money from ads, then somehow my wallet gets lighter with every word I type. Where other people look out their windows and see trees and cars and birds and that weird guy who keeps going through everyone's trash, you see nothing but "lost revenue" from everything in life that still operates without a price tag.

      And Christ on a bicycle, what in holy hell does this mean?

      "When you do the work for him then he gets paid even more than usual."

      So... Mike doubles the amount of ads on guest posts? Or does he just hit the ATM twice in a row? Seriously, what the fucking fuck?

      [Oh, yeah. I do blog. And write. And try not to get carried away with self-promotion. If I liked doing that sort of stuff, I'd just travel from blog to blog over at Wordpress leaving pithy comments like:

      "LOL. I hear that!

      Check out my blog!"
      ]

      [Of course, I'm not entirely averse to self-promotion. From the blog (aka the "my blog" you should totally check out):

      Here's one what's funny:

      http://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/2011/02/18/the-fancy-plans-guide-to-afis-top-100- films-volume-8/

      Here's one what's insightful:

      http://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/2011/01/27/salems-black-magic-or-that-razor- works-better-when-its-sharp-sincerely-occam/ ]

      Anyway, thanks once again for reading and for the compliments. I do enjoy "wasting electrons."

       

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    Dark Helmet (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 7:15am

    I think lion tamer and I are going to have to have a funny-battle soon, and im not sure I can beat him....

     

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      The eejit (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 7:26am

      Re:

      [Movie Voiceover]Coming Soon to a picture near you...

      Dark Helmet....

      Capitalist Lion Tamer....

      In a living deathmatch...

      of madlibs, comical asides and humorous comings together...in...

      Attack of the Killer Commenters

      Only in cinemas...and DvD and Blu-ray...and torrent sites...and pirate ships. SOON[/Movie Voiceover]

       

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      Capitalist Lion Tamer (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 1:05pm

      Re:

      I would be up for that, weather permitting. However, I'd like it to occur organically, like a finger-snapping dance-fight in the subway, rather than forced like a pissing contest using unrelated comments that completely ignore the post in question.

      Not that I'm above posting unrelated comments. My track record clearly shows that I'd rather hear myself type than read the articles. So, I suppose if it quickly devolves into a forced piss-off, if you will, than I certainly wouldn't be averse to that. I might express something dignified about how undignified it all is, but deep down inside I'd be cool with it.

      On the record: Yes. Let's do this. Sometime. In the near future. eejit can provide the narration and various trolls can provide the ignition and steady supply of setup lines. Mike Masnick will, of course, provide the refreshing Kool-Aid. Various industry shills will unknowingly provide the soundtrack, already safely stowed on my hard drive.

       

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        Dark Helmet (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 1:42pm

        Re: Re:

        How about this. For the coming week, we each can make one comment that ends in the word "challenge", signifying that's the thread we want our challenge to be on. Then it's dueling funny comments on that thread. That way there will be two this coming week and each can be on a story that inspires our funny.

        Only other rule is that my challenge can't be on a story I write and mandatory penis jokes....

         

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          Capitalist Lion Tamer (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 2:16pm

          Re: Re: Re:

          Sounds fair enough. I'll dig through the attic and see if I can't find my copy of the "Reader's Digest Collection of Dick Jokes."

          I'll be scanning the threads carefully, with one hand on the keyboard and one hand on my dick jokes.

           

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            Dark Helmet (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 2:36pm

            Re: Re: Re: Re:

            I'm taking you down to china town.

            Ooooh, I might have to pull out some poetry for this....

             

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              vivaelamor (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 5:47pm

              Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:

              "Ooooh, I might have to pull out some poetry for this...."

              I had wanted to do my favourites post as a poem but lacked the time. I liked your last one, more would be good. I should start writing again then it may not take me so long to do one off the cuff.

               

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  •  
    identicon
    Anonymous Coward, Mar 20th, 2011 @ 9:42am

    typical

    "Gather round, my kool-aid drinking, freetard brethren."

    Close-minded and exclusionary from the start.

    When the post itself and the first comment choose to preempt the trolls then the trolls have won. Bwaaaahananahahahaha!

     

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    vivaelamor (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 5:30pm

    Funny

    Loved the humour. Especially the bit about the topless shot; imaginative and consistent.

     

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    Marak (profile), Mar 20th, 2011 @ 9:35pm

    Haha i liked that round up, something couldnt stop the voice in my head reading it like a horse race announcement :P

    OH and when did options on this come with ''save me a cookie''? Damn is it chocolate chip? :D

     

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